Lucky in Love

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Happy Valentines Day to all. L and I went to a nice dinner then came home and cozied up on the couch to watch a movie. I am truly a lucky gal to have a hubby like L.

I love my husband for many reasons but our conversation the other day just reinforced that. L has periods of time where he has alot of traveling to do which we all know that with infertility treatments it gets to be inconvinient. Well we started our cycle last week and the injections last saturday which means that this week we are finishing up was about the safest week to travel and the next two weeks gets kinda dicey. So L was told that he has a mtg in CA. next friday which is right smack in the middle of our probably IUI window. I know he has to do this for his job but it makes me nervous for him not to be around. So I brought up the idea that maybe I could ask the clinic about freezing his sperm. so that if he wasnt here at least we would have the goods lol or that maybe his boss would reimburse us the cost of the cycle and we would try again another month. I really really appreciated his answer to this. He says that 1) he wants to be with me during the IUI because he has been there for all the other ones and just wants to be there and 2) that I have already been enduring the shots and it wouldnt be fair to just cancel the cycle. For that very response I love my husband even more.

L is not very vocal about his feeling toward our struggle/failures but these kinds of conversations help me realize that this matters to him as much as it matters to me he just has a different way of dealing with it. While I bit.ch and moan and pout, he just chugs along keeping the positive thoughts for the both of us.

I will take this time to say: L, thanks for being a great husband and the bestest of friends. Love you TIABABAIT.

P.S. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow to check for follicle growth.

Update

As you can see from my ticker, I am now on cycle day 4. We decided to pick up treatment again and see how that goes. So I went for my baseline on friday and as of yesterday I am doing 1 menopur a day for six days and then go in again next friday for bloodwork and ultrasound.

My feeling are mixed about this cycle. On one hand I am happy/relieved to be doing something to help us get pg but on the other hand I am mad that we have to go thru this. I am mad that the price of the medication went up. I am mad that I have to stab myself in the stomach everyday. I am just plain mad sometimes. I figure its okay to be mad and its healthier to voice it and try to get over it than to hold it all in. I know I will get over being mad at some point.

For now, L and I have reservations for Valentines Day and are going to try to enjoy our time together as we go thru yet another month of shots and ultrasounds and blood draws.

Chapters 3 & 4

Chapter 3 in this book talks about the losses of infertility. You can tell that this book is written by people that have actually been through infertility. One is the loss of pregnancy and birth. I want a baby and I also want to be pregnant. I want to experience the first kicks, I want to have time to cherish our relationship as a couple and our excitement over adding a baby. I want all this but feel that this is something I might never get to have. Another one is the loss of belonging. I feel like I really dont belong anywhere. Most of my old friends from college are single and not in a wanting a child phase. Ls cousin, his sister, and us got married within 6 months of each other and all started to talk about having children about a year into our marriages. Well one couple has 2, one couple has 1, and one couple has 0, guess which couple we are?. When they talk about children we dont really have input because we have never experience that. It sucks when we feel like we dont get to go to the zoo because its a "we're taking the kids" trip and we dont have kids. Its not their fault and I dont blame them I just wish we could be part of that club too.

Another important one for me is the loss of being healthy and normal. I have always been a fairly healthy person. Once in my childhood I was sick with stomach issues and I was in the ER as a precaution from a very minor car incident. I have never been hospitalized and never had a broken bone (knock on wood). I very very rarely go to the doctor besides the annual pap. It wasnt until this infertility stuff that I had to have surgery. So now the idea of having as many as 3 dr appts in a week is odd. It makes me feel like a sick weak person. The book also talks about the loss of being in control, the loss of feeling competent and the loss of sexual intimacy. As an women suffering through infertility I can go on and on about each of these losses.

Chapter 4 talks about being an adult without being a parent. Until I read this chapter I didnt realize how true it is. I really dont feel like an adult and people dont really see me as an adult. Even though I have been independent from my parents for a while, I have a job that requires me to supervise people as old as my parents, and I have a masters degree I dont really feel grown up. Part of this is the fact that both L and I are younger (30 and 26 respectively) than most infertility patients and we both look extremely young (think 20). The book also talks about separating from your parents and doing/not doing the things we saw our parents do to our children.

Overall I really liked these chapters and I am really liking the way this book is written. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.

Follow the blog ring to Becoming a Different Person

Unsung Lullabies Chapter 2

Chapter two of this book is all about your reproductive story. The author says that your story starts while you are still a child. I dont really know about that because I wasnt really a child that played with dolls or played house. I didnt really start thinking about children until I met L. I really never thought about children before then so the shock that this wouldnt happen easily for me/us was hard to live with.

I like when the author write "The clash between your lifelong dreams of parenthood and the daily nightmare of infertility is, in part, what makes infertility so devastating." Even though I didnt play house or dolls, I always just knew I would have children. There didnt know of any other choice because everyone I knew of had children. In my family, women didnt/dont have trouble conceiving until now.

It is in fact a daily nightmare that I live because everything around me (job, house, friends, etc) is planned around the fact that I want to add a child to my family. We have a huge house which is ready for a child and I have a family friendly job that doesnt pay very much but the time off with a child would be great. Today we went to an animal park and they were talking about family memberships. Well thats great except I dont have children for that family membership. Even though it is a nightmare, I have to think beyond that and look at the things that make this bearable. I have a great husband, a great family, a great house, and a job I enjoy among other things.

And the chapter also talks about the husbands reproductive story. It is harder on them because of society's lack of view of this issue from their perspective. I know that L hurts too about our situation but he doesnt showed it as I do and that makes me feel like it doesnt affect him, like he doesnt care.

The author also talks about keeping a journal to help through infertility. I guess this blog will work as my journal for now.

ETA: Follow the blog ring to Becoming a Different Person

Intro and Ch 1

I really havent been around for no good reason. I am thinking that when we took a treatment break that I also took a break from thinking about treatment (as much as you can take a break from thinking). I will try to start posting about non treatment things happening around me.

On the trying to conceive end, I am about to finish the progestrone and hopefully we'll gear up for another cycle. The break was good for us and has brought us to a point where we can go into this month as a stronger team because in the end that is what we are. L and I are a team. Like all teams we have our disagreements and fights, but we are a good team, a strong team and I know that whatever happens we will come out of the other end still together. Hopefully with another team member or two.

On to the book. This week we read the intro and ch 1. The book is well written and its not about the medical jargon of infertility. Its more about the psychological jargon about infertility. I like it. One of the lines that hit me is "When we were going thourgh infertility, there was so little support for what we really needed--a deep understanding of why it hurt the way it did, and a reasurrance, whether we had a baby or not, that we would somehow survive this living hell." I think this is so true. People that have never been through infertility will never really understand it. One can only hope that we have people in our lives that can listen without making comments or giving advice because sometimes all you need is a shoulder to lean on.

Overall I like the fact that the book is written by two couples that have been through infertility. I like that in the intro they write an account from the husbands point of view. I am hoping that they write more about the husbands view further into the book because that is one of the areas that I would like to learn more about.

Follow the blog ring to: Becoming a Different Person

Unsung Lullabies

I, along with some other fellow bloggers, am participating in a "book reading". We are all going to read "Unsung Lullabies". Since most of us havent gotten our books yet this post is a starting point on my current situation.

We are currently on a break because we wanted to spend some time with my parents over the holidays and didnt want to deal with medications and the stress of timing and all that. The other reason that we are on a break is because, due to reasons that are to long to explain, my mil, sil, bil, and niece have been living with us for almost 6 months. This has put alot of extra strain on us and on our marriage so we are trying to work through these before picking up treatments again.

On one hand I am frustrated about not currently pursuing treatment but on the other this break from the stress of treatment is good for me and my marriage. This gives us an opportunity to focus on each other and for me to really look at the strength of our relationship. As much as a want a baby, I also want a good strong relationship with my husband. So for me it has been good to get away from the clinic, the shots, the stress, and the let down of our constant disappointments.

So my houseguest are moving out at the end of this month and I think we will probably pick up treatments next month or next cycle.

Part of this book club is to post a link of another readers post so that way we all get to read and comment on each others opinions of the book. So follow the road to: Becoming a Different Person

Need a laugh?

If you need a laugh tonight tune in to Ame.rica.n I.dol. Its hilarious.

No better way to say it

I am sending you to this post by Just One Bean because it encompasses everything that I would want to say and she says it so well:

Tea and empathy

A late start

Wow my first post in 2008 is kinda late in coming.

Around xmas I was having a hard time with stuff at home and needed to get away for a while, so I went to visit my parents right after xmas and stayed for a week. I didnt take my laptop because I just wanted to get away from everything and everyone. L met me over there and we went on vacation with my parents to a small town in new me.xi.co. It was so nice. We slept, ate, relax and played in the snow.

Then we had to come home.

So far 2008 has not been too good to me:
-my work is going through issues, one of which includes not giving my the expected raise upon completion of my master's degree
-no real sign of ovulation so probably will have to have it jumpstarted
-problems with L and stuff which have us on the brink of separation

Needless to say I really hope that things improve from here on out. Where our ttc journey goes depends on some serious talks we need to have about our future together.

Christmas Eve Morning

Another Christmas has come and we are still without a baby. This is our 3rd Christmas trying. I hoped and prayed that this would be our year but that didnt work out for us.

And although we do not have a child, I am grateful for what I do have. We are a family. We are a strong family of two and we will continue doing whatever necessary to accept our future. We hope that this future includes a growing family but if it does not then we will be happy in the joy and strength of our family of two.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Here's a shot of our Christmas tree, pre-presents:

Maybe next year?

Trying in 2007 has come to an end for us. Today started cycle day 1. I really think we missed ovulation. I always have a 14 day luteal phase. We did the IUI on thursday when I really think I ovulated on wed. (based on ovulation pains and since period started today).

We are skipping this next month because 1)I really dont want to be doing shots and appts during the holidays and 2)We have plans to go visit my parents in Te.xas.

So now I am going to go on and enjoy my holidays. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then I have a much needed two week vacation. Yay!

Spotting

I started spotting so the bleeding will probably come full flow tomorrow.

Blah!

11dpIUI#2

I am at 11dpIUI#2 and got a stark white pg stick staring back at me this morning. I know that its still early but the cramping over the weekend was pretty bad. So although I am not giving up all hope right now I am slowly accepting that thursday will come with cycle day 1.

For now I am going to enjoy the holidays. I promised Larry that I would not be depressed and sad during Christmas time and I refuse to break that promise.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

This year I have been really really good. The inlaws (mil, sil, bil, and 22 mo old niece) have lived here the last 6 months and I have yet to kill anyone. I have also gone to work more days than not. I have been nice to my brothers and sister. So with that said, this year I would really love a positive pregnancy test. Really just that one thing.

But just in case I dont get the positive test, here is what I would like to see under the tree:
-mammoth crocs, chocolate, size 8
-camera bag
-some books
-some new clothes
-season one of With.out A T.race
-a watch

Anyway, Santa please remember that the positive pregnancy test is all I really really want this year.

Oh and the positive test can be a joined gift for L and me since he has been good this year too.

If it will help my cause I will leave you some really good treats on Christmas Eve.

Thanks Santa! Keep up the hard work!

Love,
Sandra

P.S. Just as a reminder, I really really would like that positive test!

IUI #2 - Done

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went fine other than the doc had a little bit of trouble with the cervic but nothing too bad. The IUI itself did hurt a lot more than last time. We also had some pretty good counts on L's side.

43.7 million
84% motility
grade 3

This is the first time he has ever had a grade this high. The first analysis 2 yrs ago showed a 2. The IUI last month showed a 2.5 and now its at 3. We are excited about the improvement there.

So now its on to the very long wait of the next two weeks.

Which reindeer are you?

L is out of town and I am bored. So here you are:

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

IUI #2 & Rudeness

We are a go for IUI #2 on thursday. There wasnt much action in my ovaries this cycle which I am kinda bummed about. I have an 18 and a 15 on the left and nothing on the right. I think the right ovary missed the wake up call because it produced nothing. Also L is out on a business trip and should come back tomorrow night. Let s a pray for on time departures/arrivals tomorrow lol

On a non infertility subject. Heres a conversation I overheard today:

Cashier: (After seeing name on credit card) You're Chinese?!
Lady: Yea
Cashier: Really?! Are you mixed?!

Now why in the world would you say something like that to somebody.

I guess this is a sore subject for me because people are always asking me about my ethnicity. I speak both english and spanish with no accents and that always seems to throw people off. Heres a sample conversation:

Person: Where did you learn to speak spanish?
Me: Spanish is my first language
Person: Really?!
Me: Yes. I am Mexican
Person: Mexican?
Me: Yes. Mexican. Both my parents are Mexican so that makes me a Mexican born in the US.
Person: Where did you get the red hair?

This is were I either go on a talk about my genetic tree or end the conversation with a sarcastic remark (the latter happens more often)

So there is my rant for the week

Sluggish?

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and I wasnt very pleased with what we have. There was very little growth. Basically they are still too small to worth remembering. I was kinda upset about this but when the nurse called me back she said my doctor wasnt worried because my estrogen went up nicely. I was kept on the same dose and go back on monday. And of course this next week is probably when the IUI needs to happen and it also happens to be an extremely busy work week for both of us. We shall see.

So today we spend the day with the Wiggle (our niece). We went shopping at To.ys R. Us and the mall and then we went to Chu.ck E Chee.se, it was crazy. She was really good and other than peeing through the diapers and the pants we had a good day. Tomorrow we are taking her to the park. The funny thing about all this is since we dont have children we arent used to going out and about with one. We had the Wiggle ready heading out the door without a diaperbag or sippy cup or anything. We have alot to learn when hopefully soon the time comes for a child of our own.

All I want for Christmas

is this stu.pid trampoline

and this stupi.d name puzzle

Which my niece is going to love love (especially the trampoline)

I originally ordered in on 11/13 (you know to have it hear with plenty of time). So why have I been on the phone with this stu.pid company the past two days because they keep cancelling my order without informing my. Arghhh

Oh yeah and today for the first time ever I must have hit a vein with my injection because there was blood on the syringe that I didnt notice till the shot was over. So I had to call my doctor to make sure I wasnt going to be dead by morning because I injected Menopur into my vein/vessel. And L is out of town and not here to calm me down. Arghh

Now I am going to fix my dinner and then have a hot chocolate and then this horrible day will be over.

I'm not usually slow

I am not normally a slow person. I eat fast, I read fast, I walk fast but for some reason a cannot stimulate my ovaries fast. I had an ultrasound today after 6 days of menopur and I have nothing. A couple of 7, 8, and 9s. Nothing remarkable. I expected a faster response since I was doing a straight injectable. I got this same result with clomid + 3 days of injectables.

So its 1.5 vials of menopur for the next 3 days and another ultrasound on friday.

The mood swings in this house are extreme. I cant get out of one mood before diving into another one. I refuse to allow this moods to ruin my holidays. I dont believe in fighting them so I give in for a few minutes and then move on. Christmas is my favorite time of year and I will be happy about it.

A non-infertile day

There are days that I just 'forget' that I am infertile, about the medications, about everything. Yesterday was one of those days. We woke up late first of all. Then we decided to go out and about to see what was left of the sales. Not much left but we did get to eat at one of my favorite wings and cheese fries restaurants. Then we decide to get groceries. There was no one at the W store and it was great. Walking thru the store I came up on this:
A giant three foot monkey. Of course I had to bring him home. I love it. Its huge. It made my day.
So then its our tradition to put up our Christmas tree and up it went. Its a little lopsided but I still like it. We have a cool mickey mouse train around it this year.

Here is L and I posing with our tree:
All in all we had a great day.

And I forgot to give myself my shot on time. The nurse told me to do it between 4-6pm. So I have been doing that faithfully. Yesterday I got so caught up watching the Aggies beat the Longhorns (Whoop!!!) that by the time I looked up it was 6:30. Last month I probably would have worried and worried about being half an hour late but yesterday I calmly went upstairs, did the shot and didnt give it a second thought.

On the horse again

I started the injections for our second IUI cycle today. I never thought I would get used to giving myself shots but now L and I have our routine down pat. I feel like I am back to square one. At the beginning of every cycle I worry that I might not respond to the medication, then I worry that I might not ovulate; will the worries never end?

Being that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, heres what I am thankful for:

• My husband. He is the one that holds me up when I have my emotional breakdowns. He is the one that puts up with my moods, my outburst, and my hormones. He is the one that has a positive outlook on things. He is the shoulder I cry on. He is the one that carries the faith for us. He is my cheerleader when it comes time for shots. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. I am one lucky woman to have a husband and a best friend like him. Love ya!
• My family. My parents and my siblings. Their silent support is what pillows the falls. Although we dont talk about it much I know they are there if I need to talk. I know they are there if I need to cry. Love you all!
• My In-laws. Right now we are going through a rough patch but they can be counted on to drop everything and come to your aid. I just hope that after this stressfull period end they will still like me even though I am not that nice of a person.
• My job. I have a good job that I enjoy and like going to everyday. It helps that it pays the bills and gives me the time off I need that infertility treatments require.
• My home. Its a nice and beautiful house. Although right now it is experiencing stress and sadness its strenght is in the laughter and happiness that can always be found there. The memories build in this home will go on forever.
• End of School. I am thankful that in 2 weeks I will have completed my MBA. Even though it doesnt make me any smarter I am happy to be achieving this goal.
• My DSLR camera. I love it and is my way of reliving a lot of stress. I hope to be able to dedicate it more time soon.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!

Surprise

No not a good happy surprise. A nasty surprise. I woke up this morning to full blown AF. Luckly I was expecting it and was prepared.

So on to another cycle. I am going to call the REs office when they open today.

I already dislike mondays, blah!

Holding on

Today I am holding on, by a very thin string, to my sanity. I took a HPT this am and of course it was negative. Even expecting it, it still hurt. So now I am just waiting for another cycle to start which should be monday or tuesday. The good thing is that I am off next week and can have my emotional breakdown without having to worry about it happening at work.

Losing Hope?

I am not holding out much more hope for this cycle. I am sitting at work with some period type cramping. And I also feel the beginning of a pimple, which I always get when I am going to start my cycle. I guess I am just not feeling like this was the cycle.

Or maybe I am telling myself this as a defense mechanism? Arghh

Progesterone check

Today I had my progesterone blood draw.

Want to see: 2,000
Mine was: 6,338
(I didnt ask what they measure in).

The doctor was happy with it so I guess I am too. Anyone know what it actually means?

Doc and I talked about next cycle just in case this one doesnt work. We will do an all injectable rather than clomid + inj. She did say she was "hopefull" for this cycle. Does that count for anything?

Blogativism

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am joining the My Story Project

L and I met in 2003 and were married in 2004. I was on bcp and all was dandy. When our first anniversary was approaching we decided that we were ready for a baby. Having children was always something we were going to do. We knew how many we wanted and everyting. Not thinking there would be any problems, we didnt worry. I had always had regular cycles and none of that PMS pain or symptoms everyone hears about. After 6 months of no cycle, we headed to the obgyn #1. Induced cycle, sure that everything would regulate. Two months later on to obgyn #2 who prescribed clomid, no ovulation. We were devasted.

Six months later we were on to RE #1. At this point we were truly unprepared for the cost of treatment so after one failed ovulation induction cycle in Feb 2006. In May 2006 we thought we were on a path to international adoption, unfortunately that didnt work out and we lost $5000. Aug 2006 on to obgyn #3 again prescribed clomid, actually ovulated but no pregnancy. With a diagnosis of PCOS we moved on.

Now we are with RE #2. We have just finished our first cycle of injectibles with IUI. At the obgyn my insurance paid. At this office my insurance does not pay. The added stress of having to figure out payment for these treatments does not help our chances. At one point I said that I would do whatever it took but the reality is that we still need to eat and still need to pay the mortgage.

Just as the results of a cycle are not guaranteed neither are the costs. You might need more days of stims or different drugs. Its a sad day when you have to make cycle choices based on the cost of drugs. If these treatments are successful then the money will have been well spend but if they are not it will be like devastating. Our number of cycles will depend on how we are able to finance it. Although people often say 'the money will come from somewhere', we are the ones responsible for actually finding such money. Remember I didnt choose to have this. This isnt vanity treatment, this is treatment for our dream and our future.

Tarot Card

I am not used to being at home so I am kinda bored and borrowing things from other peoples blogs lol. I borrowed this from here :)

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets. Your fortune: Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

IUI #1

I'm back at home after the IUI this morning. It went well, I think. I dropped of the stuff this morning at 9am, spend an hour at Barnes.nNobles, picked up L from work, drove to the clinic, had a 1030 appt for the IUI, was done by 11, went to lunch, dropped L off and am now at home doing nothing.

Ls numbers were okay, I think
15.2 million
85% motility
2.5 grade
(this is post wash)

I think the timing was good. I was having some major stabbing pain this morning that has tapered to major aching so hopefully these were ovulation pains. The doc seems to think so.

So now we wait. Two very long weeks.

I want to remain positive but not get my hopes too high.

Its a go!

Today L and I drove the 30-40min to the clinic to get another ultrasound and bloodwoork. My follicles and lining looked great. I now have a 18 & a 17 on the left and two 17s on the right. The lining is at 8.5 A. The nurse said it looked great. So tonight at 10pm I am doing the hsg shot and monday morning is our IUI.

I had already signed all the disclaimer for ovulation induction and IUI at the beginning of the cycle but the nurse gave us the multiples disclaimer again. Obviously our chances for multiples increases with the number of follicles we have.

We are excited to be at this stage after the slow start we had.

Foto Friday

I've decided that I am going to post a "foto" post every friday. This will be sort of like a summary of the week in pictures. I love pictures.

Here is our house on Hallo.ween night. Can you see L on the rocker? lol

This is me in my Hallo.ween costume. L and I sat outside giving out candy for a little while. I also sneaked in one or two. :)


I came home today and found this unexpected package. I had a couple of emotionally rough days this week. One which included some crying on the phone to my sister. So today I get this box from her and I loved it. Thanks Sis, Love ya!!
This is my stockpile of medical stuff. I am trying to keep it nice and organized and this is one of the places I found to do it.
Earlier this week I had to order meno.pur from Sch.raf.ts. This is included in their paperwork. Weird but cute.

Now on to a cycle update. Today I had another us and bloodwork. My ovaries have decided to wake up now. Slowly but surely. I have 1-14ish, 1-13ish, 1-12ish and a bunch of little ones. We are happy with that progress and glad that something is growing. Of course not everything can go smoothly. I have another us tomorrow morning because my estrogen (?) went up over 1200, which from what I gather is not what we want. So I started with Gani.re.lix. today. I had a little trouble with that shot but got it in nonetheless. Apparently my doctor is afraid I might ovulate on my own before its time. Isnt that ironic. I have spend 2.5 years trying to ovulate on my own and now that I dont want to (timing for IUI) it might happen. lol "Isnt it ironic? Dont you think?"

Ok so I will try to update tomorrow.

10

No that is not a perfect 10, thats the size of my biggest follicle. I am beyond disappointed in the way the stims are going or rather not going. I have the 10 and a lot of 9s and 8s. There wasnt much change from sat to today which sucks. I think the 10 was an 8 on sat which means its not even growing a mm a day. blah!

So 3 more days of meno.pur and another ultrasound on friday. I went ahead and ordered 5 days of meno because I am sure I will need it.

Pumpkin

We decided to carve a pumkin today. This was our first pumpkin carving event and I must say it was cool. Here's a before picture of our pumpkin:

This is the kind of concentration you need when carving pumpkins lol:
Tada!!! This is our finished product:


Since I am a fre.ak about burning down the house, I have to go buy batteries for the light that goes inside of it.

Zero, Nada, Zilch

Thats how many good follicles I have. I had my ultrasound today and had a bunch of immature little f&8#$#s. I think the biggest one was around 8mm which is really nothing. I was/am extremely dissapointment. I feel like we are moving backwards instead of forward. I now will take 1.5 meno.pur. for 3 days and go for another ultrasound on tues. I hope by then I have something worthy.

So now I am at home and hiding from the world, I am unsure when I will come out of hiding.

Popp.in the che.r.ry.

I popped my injetable che.rry today. I must say that I did freak out a little bit. We had a little problem with the set up and then all the prepping was done for the actual show. I kinda panicked a little. I was scared because I dint know how much pressure to use. So heres a picture of the actual moment.
L was my cheerleader and according to him, at first I froze and then I almost hyperventilated. So he starts bribing me lol First he offered me ice cream. Then he said books. Because I was a big girl and was able to give myself the injection, I got these two.
I think tomorrow will go smoothly.

A New Step

I finished the clomid today and will start meno.pur tomorrow. To say that I am scared is an understatement. Besides the physical part of giving the shot, I am scared of what this means. To me this is so much more than just taking the clomid. This means that I really am infertile and need help.

I am also scared of the hope that this cycle brings. Although I have tried hard and keep trying to tell myself that this might not work. My heart is filled with hope that this will be our "cure".

And We're Off!

Okay this time we really are off and running. I had my ultra sound today and passed. No cysts! I am starting clomid today for 5 days then men.opur, for 3 days and an ultra sound next sat am. So I am hoping! Hoping that this is a step in the right direction for us

I will try to give myself the shots and hopefully I dont chicken out. Haha

Ready, Set, Go?

So AF showed today and I have an US. scheduled for tomorrow. I am thinking that the cyst is still there because I am feeling pain on my right side which is the same as last month.

Today I have a headache, cramps, my period, and I am just exhausted so I am going to get my heating pad and my pjs and go night night.

Come Out...

Come out come out wherever you are. I am on the white pills of my bcp pack and ready for AF to get here. I am ready to start although I think I will still have that cyst in there. I really hope not because I am going insane standing in the sidelines.

Its funny that I keep checking the tp for any little sign on redness to signal her arrival.

Come out Come out

Come out where ever you are. Is anybody out there?

Kick Me?

I currently have a job in the early childhood education industry, in the management side. I love my job and it doesn't really affect me to be around all the kids. I like it. The one thing missing is that I don't have an early childhood background. I am actually a business major and all my experience is in that area.

So I am taking some courses through the local technical college. This semester I am taking one class. Today the teacher looks around the room and says "So everyone here has or has had children, as in children of your own, except for..." this is when she looks directly at me and say "...you, right?"

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "childless person over here" right next to the one that says "punch me in the gut"? Do I not look like mother material? Needless to say I didn't say much the rest of the class. I felt like the outsider that I am. No I don't have children, No I cant tell you much about raising children. And that hurts. That hurts a lot because I so want to experience that.

I am not liking being on the sideline this month. I want to join the game!!!

Happiness Challenge

I did The Happiness Challenge this month. My challenge was to play with my camera/photo stuff at least once a week. I think I did pretty good. I really like photography and want to get better at it. I am going to look for a class and continue my challenge for next month along with The Second Challenge

Here are some products of my month.

Barbecue Sauce at Rudys BBQ - Yummy!

The Swamp - Not really swamp but close enough lol
L walking on the boardwalk
Me practicing my portraits. L is my only willing model
Rabbit trying to hide

Cattlemans Restaurant. Cool View!

Chicos Tacos. YUUUMMMYY!!
Our new front door buddy!


The river front

Even giant ugly bugs have friends lol

I need lots and lots of practice lol :)

No Sh!t

We have figured out the answer to our fertility problems:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20959452/wid/11915773?gt1=10412

If L had a deep voice we would have offspring.

Blah!

Some people study the stup.idest things. Come on people! Concentrate on the cure for cancer, the cure for infertility, something I give a rats a.ss. about.

Stalled

Its kinda like, reving up your car to start a race and then your car dying.

We are now on hold for another month. I have a cyst on my right ovary. Blah. So now I am on birth control for a month. Then another check on the cyst.

I am bummed out. I was ready to start. I was mentally prepared and now that preparedness has disappeared.

I feel like a deflated balloon. :(

And, we're off!

Its been a while since I have been so happy for a cycle to start. I am excited about being more proactive toward our ultimate goal.

Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound appointment.

Better but not great

Those were the words out of the nurses mouth. L's sp.er.m analysis came back higher in motility but still a low number of normal heads. His count is fine. His motility increased from 24% to 46%, they still want it to be above 50%. His normal heads is 13%, they really wanted to be above 30%.

So the doc says that all is well to move forward with IUI.

Tomorrow we leave for El Paso. Yay!!!

The Doc & The Plan

Edited because two sets of ears are better than one and L heard some things differently than I did.

We had a good first consult with our new RE, I will call her Dr. ?? (nickname will come to me later). We got a good feeling after meeting with her. I like her because she took the time to tell us our options and explain the pros and cons of the options. She also gave us hope without promising us the world. I think it was a successful appointment.

The clinic is a nice place. There was no one there but us so its very quiet. Like I told my inlaws, this is not a happy place, nobody wants to be there and everyone wishes they were somewhere else.

The one odd/cool thing was that they took our picture for our file. I guess so they can learn our faces or something. Weird.

So now the plan:
*TSH bloodwork - NORMAL
*Semen Analysis -Schedules for 9/13
*Metformin 1500 mg extended release - CHECK
*Provera to induce cycle - CHECK
*Clomid 100mg + Menopur
*Post Coital Test (this is depending on semen analysis results)
*IUI

If there is not enough response with the clomid + injectables then we will convert the cycle to all injectables.

So then the cost:
*My insurance covers diagnostic appointments so it covered this first appointment. L's insurance should cover his sperm analysis. (L's insurance does not cover his SA)
*We got four vials of menopur so that was nice
*Once my cycle starts -
Cycle Mgmt Fees $795
Medication 100-200
IUI 400
-----------
$1295-1395
*The cost for the post coital test is $72

All in all I am feeling good about our chances. I really really hope it works.

On a funny note: The nurse talked to us first, taking our history and such. She then closes the file, folds her hands, and asks "So what would you like us to help you?".( I really wanted to say "I dont know, how about a car loan?") I actually said "To have a baby". Why else would we be sitting on the other side of the desk lady. This isnt a bank or a car dealership.

*Disclaimer about the cost: I am to the point where I dont really care what it costs. I will take out a loan or use a credit card if I have to. I dont care. My new motto on money is "F*&^ It". We will find money somewhere.
**Double Disclaimer: The above statement can change depending on the number of cycles it takes to conceive or throw in the towel.

Oh yeah if anyone knows the best place to get meds please please let me know. Thanks

ETA: Doc said I must start exercising 30 min 5 days a week!!! Ahhh!!!

Kids Yet?

Yup that stu.pid annoying question again. This time it was to L. I told him to be prepared to answer that question because this particular person always asks it. He should learn to listen to his wife more lol. So the conversation went something like this (I only hear his side);

Person: "Hey you have kids yet?"

L: "No"

Person: "Why not?"

L: "Its not that easy, dude"

Person: "What do you mean its not that easy?" (laughing)

L: "We're having problems!" (aggravated)

Person: "I didnt know that"

Well person now you know. Yes we love kids, we want kids more than anything in this world. This is the first time I have actually heard L admit why we dont have kids yet. Its not something we hide or are ashamed of but its also not something we talk about with just anyone. L has been my rock, putting on a positive face in the light of my negativity. It both hurts and makes me feel better that he would say something like that. It hurts that he even has to say it because he is great daddy material and it makes me feel better because I could tell that he does hurt and is sad over our struggle.

So to sum it all up: WE ARE HAVING PROBLEMS

Busy Weekend

We had a pretty busy interesting weekend. Saturday was "us" day and we spend it at Mi.ch@els , and bowling. Neither of us are very good bowlers but it was fun. Here is one of me with the bright pink bowling ball.
Here is one of my lovely gutter ball!!! lol
Then today we had two parties to go to. One of them was luau theme so here we are.
L and I arent big socializers so these two parties have met our quota for the month! lol Just kidding we enjoyed spending time with our friends and family.

Tomorrow is a day of rest! Then next weekend we have a wedding to attend. Then next monday is our first RE appointment. Then we go see my parents in Texas that weekend. Then we go to Ho.us.ton. at the end of the month. This is all aside from working all week and going to school two nights a week. Jeez now I really do need my day of rest!!!

Cruising

We are just cruising over here. If you glance up you can see that I am on cycle day 38. Yup 38 no sign of AF coming, snow white tests. So this is probably another loooong cycle for me that wont end until I go see the RE and get some meds. Obviously my body is still no cooperating or working as it should. Blah

Our RE consult is on Sept 10.

Question: Financially, how do you do it? I havent had my first appointment and I am already worried about the cost. My insurance wont cover it. Somedays I am ready to suck it up and get a loan and somedays I want to wait and save money for it but sh.it happens and the money doesnt keeping adding up. So how do you do it? How do you finance it and how do you not worry about it?

Change

I changed my blogspot address. I just felt like making a change sorry if it confuses anybody (I think theres one person out there besides me that reads this :) )

Its cycle day 30. No sign of AF anywhere. I dont even know if I ovulated this month. I was going to get bloodwork to check but was never able to make it to the doctors office. What are the chances that I ovulated on my own? Ha probably slim to none. Blah. Should I test? Blah. Havent decided.

This picture both makes me happy and sad. I am happy to have this beautiful child in our lives. I am sad that we only get to borrow this one from time to time and dont have one of our own for keeps. I am sad that I have been unable to give L a little one onto which he can give the love he holds in his heart. I pray that we get a little one for keeps soon. I know one way or another L will be a great daddy one day. I will be proud to raise a child to be just like daddy. L is truly one of a kind.

Break Over?

So technically we are taking a break this cycle. I am switching insurance at work and so my RE appointment had to be postponed until that happens in September. I am tired of waitin. I am ready to take the emotional and financial step of going through treatment.

The other day I was trying to explain to someone why sometimes its so hard to be around others with kids when you cant have any. I tried to explain why sometimes you have to hold yourself away from others, especially babies, so that you can bear the pain in your heart. I tried to explain the necessity for some of us to have a child (whether biological or adopted) to carry a piece of us into the future. But someone who doesnt know the struggle of infertility cannot understand these thing. For them it is so easy to say, 'well just learn to deal with it so you can be happy'. Well, my friends, its just not that easy.

"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"

Lyrics from If You're Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins


"Yo no sé nada de ti
Y siento que en tu vida esta la mia
Yo quiero andar contigo y enseñarte cosas que
ni te imaginas, ni te imaginas"

Lyrics from No Se Nada De Ti by Obie Bermudez

Present

Yes, I am still here. I am not blogging much because I dont have much to say. We are taking a break from medicines other than the metformin. I originally had an appointment with a RE on Aug 22 but they called to tell me he wont be coming to the clinic near where I live so I had to choose another doc. I have an appointment on the 27th.

Other than that a heavy season of work started today. I got an A in my summer class. I am now registered for my last class for my MBA starting this month.

Busy, Busy

Fortune

This is what L's fortune cookie said today:

"Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours"

Sad but true, my love. Very True. Hahahaha

New Cycle

I started my cycle on friday. Of course it was the day we were going out of town for a friends wedding, very bad timing. Oh well on to a new cycle. We are taking a break this cycle with a consult visit to my new RE at somepoint this month.

Although I am happy with the progress we have made with the metformin and clomid, it is very hard to face the failure of each cycle. Before when I wasnt ovulating there really was no hope so I wasnt as vulnerable every month. But these last couple of months I have been so excited, so hopeful, so sure it was going to work. This is why am I ready to move on to the RE. Hopefully this will solve a problem.

PS My new ticker is a sign of my current mood. Enough said!

Book Tour

Book: The Kid

Author: Dan Savage

I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter "Grieving Our Infertility" (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that "Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities." If you're part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow "failed" as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?

I do feel that I have "failed" as a woman. I am Hispanic which also plays an important role in my "failure". Nobody in my family has had problems conceiving, I have cousins who were p.g at 15. The typical stereotype is that Hispanics start having children their wedding night. Obviously I am not one of these people. As a child my image of adulthood did not include fertility treatments or struggles. My image was getting married and getting pre.gn.ant the day after that. So yes I feel like I have failed as a woman. I have failed myself, I have failed my husband, I have failed my family. Sometimes this failure weighs more heavily on me than other times.



How did you feel about a gay male explaining the emotions of infertility starting on p. 22? Were you offended or impressed? Do you think he got it right or was he far from the mark? Did you feel that he was correct when he said on p. 26, "I understood what they must have been going through"?

In some ways I think Dan was right in his statement but only talking on the point of view of his experience. I dont think he could really understand the pain of going through each cycle or the hope that is crushed. I dont think a person that hasnt experienced it can really understand the rollercoaster that is infertility and infertility treatments. I also think a g.ay man has more time to adjust to the fact that they will not have a biological child with their partner, while he.ter.o.se.xu.al couples do not get time to process this until they are hit with it in the face.


For a work of non-fiction, the theme of signs and coincidences plays such a large role in The Kid. On page 152, Dan writes about three twists of fate that bring Terry and he and Melissa together: "...the Seattle conception, the likelihood that Melissa spare changed us on Broadway, and the fact that the kid would be born at OHSU." Many other signs present themselves through the book such as the incident with Judy's fortune cookies, and my favorite, the fact that Dan and Terry had their first encounter in a bathroom and that they found themselves in a bathroom together at the moment their son was being born. What role do signs and coincidences play in your life in relation to your infertility and treatment? Do you find that you actively look for signs (good or bad), and how much do you take them to heart?

When we first started trying, every sign was a good sign but now I tend to look for signs that are negative. For example, L and I watch N.asc.ar and each have our favorite drivers, well my driver has been su.cki.ng all season long. I see that as a bad sign. It really has no rhyme or reason but thats it. I am also catholic and mexican which means my house is full of different saints, some turned backwards, some with coins, etc. So while I try to be oblivious to "signs" its in my nature to notice them. I do take signs to heart but I think it is a way to protect my heart from shattering.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Kid? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list in the post above . Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #6 (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Lastly, the fun part of the book tour is reading everyone else's response too and having them comment on your answers (I mean, without the comments and questions, it's sort of not a book club. It's just people talking to themselves about a book!). So please take a moment to comment on all the other blogs in the book tour.

Dear Husband,

I love you dearly I really do but please try to watch what comes out of your mouth before your say it. I know you dont realize what you say sometimes but sometimes not saying anything is better. Yes I did see the very young girl hanging out by our car at the grocery store. Yes I saw her smoking. I did not however see her pg. belly. Thanks for pointing it out though. For next time, please dont point out pregnant women to me. Yes I see them, I just choose to ignore them sometimes.

Love,
Your Wife

ovulated?

I went on monday for day 21 bloodwork and the results were 10.6. Not as good as last month. They said that it does indicate ovulation so that part is good. The bad part is that the level is very low so if I were to be pregnant I run the risk of losing it, so I started oral progesterone just to be on the safe side.

The nurse told me it would probably make me sleepy but I really didnt know that extend of it. She also told me to just stay on it until I get a period but everything I have read says that you have to get off of it before you can have a period. So I think I will take a pg test next wed/thur and get off it then. If anybody know for sure if you get your cycle while on prometrium please let me know.

Copying

I am copying Ann's post at The Unlucky 20 Percent because this is exactly how I feel and dont want to rewrite it. I am happy to see that I am not alone in this infertility rollercoaster.

Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 26. Usually I love my birthday but this year I wish it wasnt happening. When we started trying for a baby I thought for sure I would be a mom by the time I reached 25.

Yes I am young and have time on my side but just because I am young doesnt mean that I am less infertile. We have been trying for 2 yrs 5 mos. Most people in this 20s dont take that long. So no I do not want to hear:

• "but you are sooo young"
• "just give it time"
• "just enjoy being young and free"
• "are you sure you want kids?"
• "enjoy being alone with your husband"
• or any other phrase similar to these

Being infertile at a young age is like a double slap in the face, I think. One blow for being infertile and another blow for watching everyone your age pop them out one after the other

Yes world even though I am young my heart aches just like any other

Harry

If you are a Harry Potter fan and are excited about the new movie turn away from the computer and turn on "Harry Potter: Behind the Scenes". Its on now on A&E.

Die Hard

We went to see "Live Free or Die Hard" yesterday. It was pretty good, one of the best movies this year. You gotta love the sarcastic @ss. that is Bru.ce Wi.lli.es. He plays his typical sarcastic, co.cky. role he plays in the other Die Hards. Go see it, its pretty funny.

Other than that we are watching all the Harry Potter movies in preparation for the new movie that comes out next week. Yes we are geeks. lol

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Righty Tighty

I went in for my follicle check today and there was one nice size on the right. So I got the hcg shot to hopefully release it. The nurses are nice and a little superstitious. Last month I had the follicle on the left and got the shot on the left hip and this time its on the right so they gave it to me on the right. I hope it works.

So my question is what is a nice size? I tried to google it but cant come up with a definite answer. The tech said they like to see anything over 2.0 cm (20mm) and mine was 2.9 cm (29mm). I am worried over the fact that it was so big on cd 13 and that it hadnt released on its own. I hope I release it otherwise I will have a nice big cyst to deal with.

Gotta go back next week for progestrone bloodwork.

ETA: I am concerned about the size of my follicles, and the timing of my HCG shot. How big should my lead follicle be before I take my HCG shot?
A lead follicle should be at least 16 mm on an hMG like Pergonal, it should be at least 18 mm on a recombinant FSH like Gonal-F, and should be about 22 mm on Clomid. Occasionally Gonal-F can produce mature eggs in smaller follicles, in which case other measurements such as E2 and progesterone should be used to indicate maturity. (The difference in ideal size is due to the difference in mechanisms by which the medications work. For example, the mechanism by which Clomid works often takes a bit longer because it is indirect. Therefore, the follicle has more time to grow before the egg is actually mature).

2nd Half

Its now the second half of the year 2007. The first half has not brought by much for me, I am hoping the second half brings good news to many of us.

I havent really posted much because I really dont have much to say. Right now I am just waiting. I pee on an opk every evening but they all look the same. Tomorrow I will call the doc to see about an ultrasound since they will be closed on wed and I dont want to wait until fri. This is one of the main reasons I am ready to move to the infertility clinic, they offer more monitoring.

Happy July!!! The best month of the year!!!!!

Prayers

Our thoughts and prayers are with this family during what must be a very difficult and painful time.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,286693,00.html

Our Journey

I thought I would put in writing our journey so far:

Our Problems: I have PCOS, annovulatory cycles (dont make/release egg), no egg=no baby; L has soldiers with weird heads that cant swim.

Our Timeline:
Mar 2004 - married the love of my life
Feb 2005 - chucked birth control pills
July 2005 - no period since going off bcp so off to obgyn
July 2005-Dec 2005 - tried clomid no monitoring no luck
Feb 2006 - visit with RE Dr. L, clomid, no response (didn't like Dr. L too much)
Mar 2006 - opportunity to adopt international presented went
with it full force
May 2006 - trip to Mexico to meet with adoption people
July 2006 - adoption not as easy as made to be, not much hope given
August 2006 - back to new obgyn
Dec 2006 - give up hope on adoption
Jan 2007 - obgyn, clomid, hcg, no response, add metformin
April 2007 - laprascopy
May/June 2007 - obgyn says 3 more clomid cycles
June 2007 - clomid 200 (cd4-8), dexamethrasone (sp?), metformin 1000, hcg, ovulate, BFN

now on another clomid, dexa, hcg, metformin cycle

I was telling L today that if we had probably stuck with Dr. L in 2006 we might have our baby by now. But I know that we werent emotionally ready for that step. I am hoping this cycle is the one but if it is not I am now ready to go back to Dr. L although I will be looking for another doctor in that clinic.

I spent way too much time on the internet surfing blogs and message boards and I kinda feel like an inferior (rookie) infertile since we havent really gone deep into treatments like others out there have. Still, I know my pain is not any less than that of others.

I dont really have much to say since not much is going on. I am on cd 5 and started the clomid yesterday. Other than that I just wait and wait and wait. I want to do more. I want to do more to get pg. I really want to move to the RE since I can get more aggressive treatment there. But I am afraid of what going there means. I am afraid of the treatments that I might need and I am afraid of the cost of these treatments. I am doubtfull that we will conceive without more help like IUI or something. L's soldiers have flat heads and drown because they cant swim.

We have now been trying for 2 years 4 months. Today the universe is highly unfair and everything su.cks. Blah!

Doing Nothing...

Its saturday, we dont have a thing to do so we are passing away the day just bumming at home. I was playing around the internet and have created M&M characters for L and I. hahaha

Again

Sorry You Are Not A Winner

Please Play Again

Peri0d started today full force. Nice little wake up and face the real world message. I have to call my doctor today and see what he wants me to do. So on we move to play this game again.

Negativo

I caved and took a test this morning. Why it even crossed my mind that I would get something different than what I usually get is beyond me. Of course it was negative. I am somewhere between 11 and 13 dpo. Now I just wait this thing out. Blah

Blogiversary

I cannot believe that its been a year since I started this blog. I originally started it looking for others that had adopted and looking for those that had adopted from Mexico. Well things are way different than I thought they would be. I thought that by now I would have a toddler running around. Now our energies are focused on getting pregnant.

I tried to not let that little ray of hope climb into my heart but I failed. I keep looking for signs of pregnancy. I talk myself out of it because I dont want to be sad if this cycle didnt work. I will still be sad if it doesnt but I wont be devastated because at least I ovulated. I keep wanting to take a test but I am not. I will test if I dont have a period by next wednesday. I will go for bloodwork if I dont start by next thursday. In the meantime all I can do is wait.

Wait and dream.

16.9

For the first time in two and a half years I have ovulated!!! They like to see a level above 15 on a medicated cycle and mine was 16.9. We are extremely happy that we are at least seeing some progress. We hope and pray that we caught this eggie but if we didnt, we will start again next month. I dont really know when I ovulated so I have to go for a blood test late next week if I havent started my period.

Just a sit back and wait deal now.

Blood Su.ckers

Ramblings:

Yup I had my blood su.cked today. I should have the results tomorrow but I have a super busy day at work and might not be able to call the doctor's office for them until wed. haha this is the perfect excuse for being in denial and putting off the could be bad news. I am still cramping alot and dont know what in the world is up with that. At first I thought it might be a cyst in my ovary but its not a sharp pain and its not in one particular place just all around. My whole pelvic area, front and back, is painful. The nagging hope that creeps itself into my heart and brain think that it might be a positive sign. Ahhh the agony of waiting.

L is out of town again this week so I have spend my time by actually doing homework. I got tuesdays assignment done but not thursday. My staff hates when L is out of town because I dont sleep well so I wake up early and I am at work early so I catch alot of people coming in late. And yes 7:05 is late when you are supposed to clock in at 7. And if you do happen to come in at 7:05 make sure that you at least leave at 3:05 lol. Yes I am anal about getting to work on time and staying at work your whole shift. Other than that I think I am a lenient boss and try to work with my staff as much as possible so everyone is happy. The worst part is discipline. I really dont like this part of my job but sometimes its necessary. I do love my job though.

Question: We have been in our new house for a while now and the room that will hopefully one day be the nursery is the only one not set up. In our old house we had the nursey set up because we thought we are adopting and wanted to be prepared. In this house everything is just sitting there in pieces and not organized. So my question is do I set up this room as the nursery now, leave it as is with the door closed until something happens, turn it into a guest room/work room? What do you think?

Enough of my ramblings for now. Adios

Faith

I have been wanting to write my post about faith for a while now. Part of me has put it off because I just dont know where I stand.

I am catholic. I was raised as a nonpracticing catholic though I did all the sacraments. I am also mexican. Catholisism is big in Mexico and so is superstition and lots, lots of saints. So I didnt grow up going to church but L did so when we started dating I figured it was something we should do together because I wanted our children to be raised going to church. I believe in God and I believe in the saints. The thing is that sometimes I get angry with God. I cannot understand the 'why is this happening to me?'. I still pray but sometimes only because I dont want to risk not to. Sort of like kids are unsure of doubting Santa because then they wont get presents. I dont know what to think. Sometimes I feel like my faith is slipping away.

Sometimes I think that God is punishing me for something that I did in the past. But part of me refuses to believe that the God I believe in will hand out this precious gifts to those who do not love or appreciate them.

I am lucky in the fact that my husband has faith. He is unmovable in his faith and sometimes has to carry the faith for both of us.

On another note, I am thinking about sponsoring a child through Children International. Has anyone worked with them before? Please tell me what you think. I emailed a couple of questions to them and I am awaiting the answers before I sign up.

Another note on Hope, tomorrow is my cd21 progestrone bloodwork to see if I ovulated. I am praying that I did. I have been having cramping and even though I try not to hope is creeping into my heart that many there is a baby growing in there. I keep squeezing my boobs to see if they are sore lol So far they arent but then again I have never in my life had sore boobs. lol

If you have made it this far thanks for reading. I know there are a couple people who, probably accidently, click on my blog so leave us a message.

75%

Thats my percent chance of ovulating this month, according to my doctor. I went in for my ultrasound today and it showed a 'nice' or 'decent' (depending on who you ask) size follicle on my left ovary. So I am happy that at least there is some progress. Last go round we didnt get 'nice' we got nothing. I also got the HSG shot and I am praying that it works. I go back for labwork next monday to check for ovulation.

Drop eggie drop!!! lol

A four letter word

Hope. Theres that little four letter word that can hurt so much. I know that if I dont show any progress with the clomid and metformin this cycle that I am going to be terribly disappointed. Much more than any other times. I try to talk myself out of this, but I cant. The funny thing is that I am not even thinking past just maturing some eggs and releasing them. This cycle will be successful if my eggs are bigger than 11mm or if my cd21 progestrone is over 0.8 because I have yet to get past these points.

I know I have talked about moving past the clomid which I truly want to do. It might take longer than planned though. I was originally thinking this would be our last clomid cycle but I found out that my work might be adding infertility coverage to our insurance so I am going to hold out until July/August before moving to the RE again.

Next up a five letter word, Faith....

What Not To Watch...

If you have had a hard time getting pregnant or are infertile, dont go see "Knocked Up". The movie itself was kinda funny but only if you are not the person in the audience that has been trying for over 2 yrs. I thought it would be a good movie to go see so we went yesterday. I probably shouldnt have even though it made me laugh it also made me sad and angry. Even though it made me sad I didnt let it ruin the rest of my day by being gloomy so for that I am proud of myself.


Edited to Add: I feel better knowing I am not the only one that tortures herself. Check out what At This Point... has to say about this movie.

I shouldnt have

So L came back from his trip yesterday and I went to pick him up at the airport. I had some time to kill so I stop at JoAnns Fabrics and looked around. When I left there I was still early so I stopped at another store, Babies R Us. I really shouldnt have. Its like going to a candy store when you cant eat sugar. When I go to this store I see everything I dont have yet I couldnt help it since I passed right by it. I ended up buying this monkey rattle for the munchkin. Another item to be added to the pile that might or might not one day be used by our baby.

Please stop by and send some encouragement and prayers to my friend at The Waiting Womb!!!

Craziness

Nothing but craziness over here. L is out of town on business which means sleepless nights for me. I dont know what happened to me. I used to live alone in college and after college. Now I guess I am so used to my husband that I cant sleep when he is not here.

Today something funny happened. My sister-in-law lives down the street so I went over there for dinner. I had some watermelon here so I invited her and my mother-in-law to take a walk back with me and eat some watermelon. So we come in and a wasp looking thing makes it in the house. I am TERRIFIED of bees, wasps, anybody from that family so we had to get it out or I wouldnt be able to sleep. The stupid thing made it to the upstairs window. I, of course, am hiding in the bathroom while they try to figure out how to get it out. Their idea was to throw bean bags at it lol. That didnt work. So can you see three women screaming and running after every bean bag lol. Finally we called her husband who came over and caught the horsefly. lol

Always a new adventure in this house.

Our Garden

L and I worked on out gardens last week. This is a day view:

and a night view:

Its kinda cool to sit out there and listen to the fountain. Very soothing.

Back again?

I'm back again, for how long I do not know. Today is cd 1 after a 60some day cycle. The last couple of weeks have been good and bad. My parents came down to visit and that was nice. Mother's Day happened and that wasnt so nice. I really didnt think I would take it so hard but I did. So that sunday and even that monday were hard. Harder than I expected them to be. Slowly I am getting back to a good place.

I want this cycle to be positive. Any kind of positive will be good. Even just forming some eggs with the clomid would be nice. Releasing such eggs would be nicer. Having a positive pg test would be the nicest.

I am think that this will be our last clomid cycle if none of the above positives happen. I have been hanging on to this treatment because its the cheapest but I think it might be time to move on.

I'm Back!!

I'm back. I have been away from my blog for various reasons. I have been sick, busy with work, busy with finals, and just dont have much to chat about.

On the sickness front, I have come down with bronchitis which just sucks. There are really no other words to descrie it. So 100 bucks later I had a doctors visit, steroid shot, breathing treatment, and 3 prescriptions. I think I am over the worst of it and just have to wait out the rest. (knock on wood)

Work has also been busy. I was on a business trip for a few days and then had to catch up. Work is work. 'nough said.

School is finishing up for the semester. As a matter of fact I should be working on my final projects as I type this. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

On the baby front, there really isnt much going on. I went for my follow-up after surgery appointment. All clear on that. My obgyn gave me the option of 3 more rounds of clomid or going to the fertility clinic. Since I have been on the metformin for 1.5 months now, we hope that the clomid might be more effective this time. If anyone has any experience or advice on this I would really appreciate it.

I will try to get some pics of my new house up soon.

Why?

Why? Why? Why? That what I asked myself, God, and the world today when I read this article. There are tons of women, me included, that would love to be pregnant and have a baby. Why is it that babies are handed out to people that dont want them? and when they are handed to those who dont want them why cant those people be kind enough, mature enough to hand that baby to someone who really does want it?

Blah!!!

The Aftermath...

I am now at home resting from a horrendous surgery experience. The surgery itself and most of the recovery actually went pretty well. I remember a floating feeling and then I woke up in recovery. While in recovery they told me I could leave as soon as I went to the potty. Well time passed and more time passed and I still couldnt go. They did an in and out cathether to get the urine out and suprisingly let me go home at aroun 6:00pm (my procedure was for noon). I was really suprised to be sent home because I had been told that if I didnt pee I would be admitted, but I guess the outpatient department was ready to go home and so they send me home. That was a mistake. I ended up back in the ER at about 8:00pm because I couldnt pee and was in the most excruciating pain I have ever been in my life. It sucked. I couldnt sit, I couldnt move...you get the picture. They put a cathether in and took out some blood from my bladder which freaked us out a bit. I finally ended up coming home with the cathether at around 11:00pm with instructions to call my doctor in the morning. This morning my doctor gave me instructions on how to take the cathether out (which was kinda interesting) and an appointment to see him. I got to the doctors office and I was either going to be able to pee or another cathether would go in. It was kinda funny because there were 2 nurses, L and my mom waiting outside the bathroom to see if I had peed. I managed a little stream which was progress and from then on all has been fine. I do feel like I did 1000 crunches and someone punched me in the stomach. I am on percoset for pain, an antibiodic, and a medicine to make my bladder spams.

Now to the good part. The good part is that the doctor said it all looked good. My tubes were open, my ovaries had some tiny cysts in them which is to be expected with PCOS, and I had a tiny bit of endometriosis that the doctor lasered off. The doctor was very optimistic about it and says that there is no reason we cant get pregnant once I start ovulating.

So for now I am bumming around the house just sleeping and playing on the net. L left for a business trip a little while ago but my mom came to stay with me for the week.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week.

I'm Back

We are finally settling in our new house. The internet is up and running and so is the satellite. This is life lol I am on spring break this week so that is awesome.

Tomorrow I am having my laparoscopy. Wish me luck.

Home Sweet Home

We are finally getting settled into our new house. I am always suprised at the amount of stuff that we have. I absolutely love the new house. We still have alot of unpacking and decorating to do but slowly it is coming together. This week is a short but busy week at work. I have staff meeting, Easter celebrations, and a doctors appointment. Then on friday (which I have off) we will be driving to Houston to have Easter with my siblings. It is rare that the four of us get together so it should be fun.

I will become a better blogger once I have my internet up and running.

3 years ago today...

Three years ago today I married the most amazing man in the world. He is truly my best friend. L and I had a great wedding surrounded by many friends and family. Our marriage is a good marriage. I love my husband. He is my world and I would be lost without him. We love, we argue, we laugh, we cry but above all we respect each other and our differences. We've had a tough year this year but our sorrows have only made our bond stronger.

My only wish this upcoming year together is to have a baby. A baby that we can share this huge love with. A baby that would take us from a family of two to a family of three. But at the same time I have come to realize over the past year that if we are not blessed with children, we will be ok. We will build a happy life just the two of us, a different life but a good life.

So I do believe in fairy tales and fairy tale marriages, the ones in real life just have some bumps along the way . I am blessed that my marriage is one so filled with happiness. I will always thank God that L became a part of my life and I became a part of his.

Love You, Babe!!!!

Prayers

Please say some prayers for my niece Laura who is in the hospital with pneumonia.

We love you wiggleworm!!

Checking In

Yes I am a bad blogger. I have tons of excuses but I'll save them for another day. We are still living with my SIL which is why I dont get on the computer that often. We are closing on our house on March 29, keep your fingers crossed that they dont push us back. The house is coming along beautifully and I cant wait to get in it.

My laprascopy is scheduled in April. I am kinda freaked out about this because I have never been in a hospital or had surgery or ever been under anesthesia. Everyone I talk to says its no big deal. I did schedule during spring break since I have the week off and dont have to take anymore time off work. So while we wait for my surgery, I am on 1000mg of metformin (read about it here). My body is slowing getting used to it but it has not been a smooth process. All I can say is that this better lead to something good. lol

Other than the above work and school keep me pretty busy.

A Winding Course

So I talked to my doctor today after last weeks negative ovulation results. He's a nice good doctor and I have faith in the course he wants us to take. I like him because he is a no nonsense kinda doctor and doesnt beat around the bush. He suggested getting a laparoscopy done to take an internal look and see if anything is going on in there. I am also to go on glucophage to help with the PCOS stuff. Tomorrow I go for some baseline bloodwork so I can start the glucophage. We will then reevaluate my situation in a few months at which point if I still havent ovulated on my own I will be refered to the RE. I am comfortable with this plan and can only hope and pray that it works.

On some lighter note, I will try and post some DC and house pictures soon.

Greeting from Washington, DC

Greeting from Washington, DC!!! I am attending a conference for most of this week up here. I was suprised to see snow on the ground while the plane landed and more suprised that it is still hanging around. Everyone says how warm it has gotten this week. Its a whopping 40 degrees. Thats not warm for us southeners lol. I will return home tomorrow after which I will have limited access to the internet because we are homeless lol Our new house is moving along rapidly and we hope to get in there in about 3 weeks.

On the baby making front, this was yet another negative cycle for me. Even with the hcg shot I was not able to ovulate. I had the nurse call L because I really didnt want to hear it from her. My doctor is out of town until monday and which point he will call me to discuss the results but we are expecting a referal to the RE. We will not be using our previous RE as I did not like his bedside manner very much. We have decided that we will wait until we are settled in our new home and take off all that stress to start any kind of fertility treatment although I think I might schedule an appointment to talk about our options. We shall see.

Happy V-Day

Happy Valentines Day!!!!

We had a pretty good valentines this year. We went to dinner and it was yummy. Then came home and tried to finish up our packing and moving. Romantic huh? lol

Hope everyone had a great day!!!

Hope?

My appointment went okay today. There is a little sign of life in my ovaries but not much. We decided to go ahead with the HCG shot even though the follicles werent near perfect size. Hopefully at least I will ovulate. I have bloodwork scheduled for next monday.

So now I am asking for prayers. Prayers that this cycle gives us our miracle, prayers that this cycle brings my ovaries back to life...Prayers to deal with whatever the results are.

Bad Blogger

****THIS IS MY 100TH POST! EXCITING!!!****

I have been a bad blogger. I really dont have any excuses other than the usual too much work, too much school, and too much to do. We have been moving our stuff to storage as we are scheduled to sign on the sale of our house on friday. We are going to a hotel for a few weeks until our new house is ready. Hopefully only a month tops.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see how the clomid worked. I was thinking that it probably didnt work since I took 150mg and wasnt feeling any side effects or anything. That is until yesterday when I started cramping and twiches and then today I have the dreaded headache. I am not getting my hopes up that it worked. We shall see.

We have some dinner plans for Valentine's Day that I am excited about. I have wanted to go to this particular restaurant for a while now and we have finally gotten reservations.

I will update tomorrow after my appointment at @ 2:15pm.

2 years ago today...

Two years ago we started trying for a baby. Never, never did it cross my mind that it would take this long.