Follow Me

After thinking about it I have moved to wordpress. I wanted to have a place to keep our family and friends informed but also be able to vent about certain things without them reading about it. So I moved to wordpress where I can password protect certain posts. Follow me to:

http://thepromiseofourlove.wordpress.com

You can email me at ls32004 at hotmail dot com for the password.

Thanks for keeping up with me after all these moves.

In the now

This is one of my favorite songs. Mainly because it talks about the love between two people and to take advantage of the time we have right now. Thats what I want to do. I want to take advantage of the time I have with L. I want to live in the now and not in the what if. I know easier said than done but I am going to try to make this my current motto.

These are my favorite parts of the song (doesnt sound as good translated):
"Tu y yo, nos amamos de verdad y hemos hecho de un lugar, un hogar... tu y yo
El mejor tiempo de mi vida han sido estos año que he pasado junto a ti, mi corazón..."

(You and me, we love each other truthfully and have made a place a home...you and me
The best time of my life has been these years I have passed next to you, my heart)

"...Mira que bonita, que puede ser la vida ahorita
aprovechemos que nos brinda la compañia tuya y mia..."

(...Look how beautiful life can be right now
lets take advantage of what our company brings us...)

Moving on

L and I have an appt to talk to Dr S about our next step. We know we want to keep on with treatments but other than that I really dont know what I should be asking. So for those having to move on to IVF:

What questions should I be getting answers to?
Can you recommend any good books on IVF?

CD 1, now what?

As expected I am at full flow today. With that we come to the end of this road, this very bumpy road. There are other roads for us now and we just have to choose which one to take. Like with any journey, we are going to take the time to look at maps and plans to figure out which road is best for us. Although its human nature to look for the road less bumpy, we know that whichever road is picked the bumps will be there.

All that we can hope and pray for is that this next road leads us to our end goal.

Please go over and support Mel while she also deals with the end of a cycle.

Bad Equation?

Cramps + Spotting + -HPT = Another cycle down the drain?

I went ahead and peed on a stick this morning because I had started spotting yesterday. Obviously it was negative. I continue to spot but not enough to count it as AF. I stopped taking the prometrium today so I expect full AF soon.

So now we come to a fork in the road, we can go one way to do IVF or go another way to adopt. We are almost sure that at this point IVF is our choice but for now we are just sitting at the side of the road until we feel completely ready to go forward. Right now I just need to let go of this cycle and begin to move on.

We definitely need some time off to recharge and regroup.

Dear Cramps,

Please go away. I know that you dont necessarily mean to tell me that I am do not have a baby in here but I still dont like you. See I have never had a baby inside so the only cramps I have ever had are tied in with failed cycles. So the minute that you start creeping into me, the heart starts a negative downward spiral. The brain is really trying to tell the heart to stay positive but its not really working. I this point based on the pain you are causing I am almost sure that this cycle is yet again a bust. While this might not be true, I can not get these negative thoughts out of my head. So please please go away now. Thanks.

Sincerely,
The Uterus

CD 32; 9dpIUI #4

Not much going on over here, just trying to get through the next few days to find out the results of this cycle. The good news is that my insurance decided that they would cover some stuff that I had already paid for so the clinic owes me about $500 bucks. Lets see if I actually get the money back from them.

On the non-ttc, we finished our taxes and are actually getting money back!!! Woohoo!!! We have never gotten money back since we have been married so we are excited and were actually dancing around the living room. lol Of course we have already spend the money about 5 times in our heads lol

Quote

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strength. When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Poor Pitiful Me

Welcome to my pity party! You are welcome to join at any time.

Heres why I am throwing this party. I supervise a staff of about 29, 28 women and 1 men. In the past 1.5 yrs that I have been in the position, there has been: 1 birth, 1 almost to be born, 1 three months along, and a just announced today. This is plus the countless pregnancies of the families that we serve. I had never been bothered with it as much as today. When the girl told me about it my response was "congratulations" and her response was "well I guess thats what I get and cant undo it". That response was like a knife in my heart. I would do anything to be in that position and can only hope that one day it will be my turn.

And if that wasnt enough today I also had to deal with this:
(her child running around the halls wildly)
co-worker: "Are you sure you want kids?"
me: outwardly - nod and tight lip smile; inside - "well now that you mention it, no I dont really. I just choose to put myself through the physical, social and financial hell of fertility treatments for the chance of conceiving. I dont know why really since I dont even like kids" Arghhhh

So you can choose to join this party. Open invitation and after the party is over we will all pull up our pants, lifts our chins and face the world.

CD 24; 1dpIUI #4

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act,

but also dream, not only plan, but also believe."

- Anatole France

Cool

I read this story this morning and thought it was kinda cool:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23898180/?GT1=43001

I love this qoute:
“We’re here to extend the message that there is hope,” said Todd Tilton, who appeared with his sister on TODAY on Tuesday.



Welcome to all that have found me at my new address. I have moved blog addresses as much as I have moved home addresses. lol

IUI #4 - Check

We survived IUI #4 today. L's counts were good:

Total - 35 million

Motility - 88%

Grade - 3

Physically it went fine. Doc did not have much trouble inserting the cathether and it really only felt like a pinch. Right now I am feeling some pains and its probably some mild over stimulation. Emotionally, though, it was alot harder. I think knowing that this is our last chance before having to move to IVF kinda got to me. I'm afraid I wont know when to stop. To me fertility treatments are like sitting at a slot maching, the next pull is going to bring you the jackpot. The same with treatments, the next cycle is going to bring us the baby. So we are unable to stop pulling the lever.

As much as I pray that at the end of this cycle we get a positive, I also pray to have the courage and strength to accept whatever next step is planned for us.

Almost There

Today I had my u/s and bw appt today and all went well. I have 2 14 mm follies on the right. My doc wanted me to go in again on wed but I have to go on a business trip tues and wed so we are just going to pray they grow as needed ( 2mm a day) and trigger on wed for a friday IUI. Here is a picture I found on the web of a 17 mm follicle.

Loyalty

Todays PJC theme is patriotic or loyal. I chose this picture for two reasons 1)its 4th of July and we are wearing red, white, and blue and 2)because to me it defines loyalty. We are loyal to ourselves, our relationship, and each other. I know L 'has my back' whenever needed. Whatever the situation might be I can count on him being there.

I also wanted to post a picture of my family for this theme but didnt think they would want their picture on the internet :). I might not say it enough but I love you all and I know you are all there to lend a shoulder or an ear if needed.

The Jungle

A year ago L and I moved into our current home. We moved from a 3 bed/2 bath to a 4 bed/2.5 bath + above garage room. Silly us thought that we would need all this space for the babies we were sure were coming soon. So we took our room, made one the guest room, made one the soon to be nursery, and I took the other as "my" room. I love my room. This is a place for my stuff and my nick nacks. This is the sign that lets everyone know which one is mine (this same sign describes my state of mind lol):

On other news, today I went to my very first digital photography workshop. I got my spify camera about 1.5 yrs ago. I had many excuses to not really put much time into it. First it was I was just too busy with school and work and then I was too tired from dr appts and all that. But underneath it all was the fact that I bougth the camera to take pictures of my baby and in my mind ignoring the camera was a way to ignore the fact that I dont have a baby. Well I have finally taken a step to embracing my camera and therefore accepting the fact that I dont have a child, yet. I'm sure L will get tired of being my model at some point lol. I am glad I went and I am looking forward to taking more classes and really learning photography.

Too Slow

Todays appt was disappointing. The biggest folli is at 10 after almost 2 weeks of injections and my estrogen levels are at 145. I am to continue 1.5 vials and have another appt on monday. Honestly I am not feeling all that great about this cycle. I am supposed to go out of town on business on tues and wed which su.cks because if I still have to do shots I will have to do them around co-workers. I am also tired of shots. I guess I am just having an off day.

Youth

Following Mel's lead, I'm digging deep and going back 26andsome change years (30and some change for L) and posting baby pictures of us. Here is L:
L is a good looking guy and he was an adorable child. He has semi curly hair, which starts showing the longer his hair is so he had the most adorable curly hair. I so love this baby who turned out into a great guy!

And here is me:
I was so chunky I can barely open my eyes!

So here we are, not a care in the world.

Courage

Today's PJC is courageous (brave, gallant, dauntless). According to Webster, courage is defined as "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty".

Being on the path of infertility is an act of courage. If you have ever played slots or gambled at the tables, you know what its like to put your money in jeopardy. So it takes a lot of bravery to put down thousands of dollars on a 20%-40% chance of winning. Beyond the shots, the appts, and the money one has to go through, our hearts are on the chopping block every single month. A tiny piece of my heart is sliced off with every negative test.

To me this picture is the image of courage:

Making the decision to step off this journey, either because you get pg or because you make a conscious effort to, also takes enormous amounts of courage. So my hat's off to all of us on this rough journey.

Baby?

See we all thought that I didnt have a baby but in all reality I do have one, he's about 30 yrs old and I adopted him about 4 yrs ago. Just Kidding! lol. L is sick with what we think is the flu. This is a picture of him on the couch:

Is it bad that for a tiny second one of my thoughts after he told me he wasnt feeling well is "da.mn, what is this going to do to his sperm". It was just for a second though then I concentrated on his health. L doesnt get sick often so when he starts feeling a little bit bad we bring out the meds and off to the doctor he goes. Hey baby, hope you feel better soon! Love you!

And to leave you with a laugh, here is this:

Glass half full?

Are you the type of person that see the glass half full? or half empty?

I try to make a point of seeing the glass half full but then come the days that all I see is the empty space. I am really worried about the timing of this cycle. I went for u/s and bw today and the biggest folli is an 8ish so I am now on 1.5 amps of menopur and go back on friday. I am scheduled to go out of town next tues and wed and all I can hope is that I get the IUI mon or thurs. I guess I can try to get out of my work trip but I already feel like I am not giving enough at my job recently with all these appts. I am trying not to worry too much about it as of now and will just wait for fri.

So what do you think: half full or half empty?

Earthy, Natural, Unsophisticated

Todays photo challenge was Earthy (Natural, Unsophisticated), so here is a picture of my feet last time we went to the beach.

And because I am a smart ass and its part of my personality, here are some unsophisticated funnies:
Tomorrow is my u/s and bw appointment. I really hope that there is some good progress because I am going to have some timing issues. I have to go out of town a week from tuesday for work so I really need to have the IUI on sat or before. Lets hope that all the timing works out.

Also a question for everyone: Where is the weirdest place (location) that you have given yourself your injections?

I try to always do it at home since I knows its clean and I feel comfortable here but on my trip last week my shot time was right before our flight and the time change but for inconvenient times. I ended up giving myself shots in the car (not while it was moving lol) and in a museum's bathroom. I just made sure to disinfect the area and not have the meds touch anything lol. Not the most convenient but I wanted to make sure my shots got done.

Home

We are back home tonight and loving it. There is nothing like coming home after a nice mini vacation. I really enjoyed out trip and now I am going to enjoy my spring break. Tonight I am cooking cupcakes for tomorrows Easter festivities and I also have to put L's basket together.

Although we dont have children yet we still like to take part in all these little "family" activities. We have birthday parties for each other and we get baskets from the Easter Bunny.

On the ttc front, I hope that when I go to u/s and bw on monday I have some nice sized follies because these ovaries are feeling pretty full and uncomfortable.

And now I leave you with one of my favorite pictures of this vacation:

Vacation

This mini vacation was a kind of spur of the moment thing. L had originally planned to have the day off but then was asked to come to this meeting so his boss said I could tag along. But of course first I had to clear it with my doctor and all that good stuff. This is probably the only time I have been happy that I am a slow responder to the stimulation. lol The funny thing is that just the day before the doc had asked me if we wanted to be more aggressive with the medication and after thinking about it I said no; I was happy with my response last month and thats what I wanted to keep doing. Then the trip came up so it all worked out.

Here are a couple pictures of what we saw yesterday:

Love

Four years ago today I married my best friend, my soul mate. We celebrated our love with some of our closests friends and family and today we continue that celebration. L had a business trip in Sea.ttle so I tagged along and we made it an anniversary trip.

Here we are 4 yrs ago:

Here we are today, March 20, 2008:

To my husband: There are no words to express my love for you. You are by far the very best thing that has happened to me and I thank God everyday that I get to share this life with you. I hope that the near future see us extending our love to another being but if not my life is complete because you are with me. I love you TIABABAIT.

Funny

Todays challenge is funny. Here is L being his usually silly self. Gotta love him!

And some people would think that me cooking is hilarious so heres a picture of my, apron and all:

Have a great wednesday everyone!

Freedom

I was doing so good on the post a picture a day thing but this one is now about 12hrs late lol. I wanted to post this yesterday because starting today I am on vacation for a week and a half. So I am free. I am free of work, of worrying about work, of thinking about work.

St. Pattys New Orleans Style

Yesterday we went to a really cool St Pattys Parade. We had tons of fun and it was a neat new experience for me. We'll start with a pic of L and I at the beginning:
This is me with some of my catches. They throws cabbage and other vegetables and of course beads:
Another pic of L and I. We were stylin':
and finally a really cool pic of me:

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Manly

Nothing like a man with power tools. Love you babe!

Butterfly Kisses

Today L had to dj a father daughter dance and I went along so I could earn my dinner. It was cool to see all these little girls and their daddies but it was also hard. My first thought was will we ever get to experience this. Will L ever get to take his little girl to her first dance or his son to a ball game? I felt an incredible sadness that he is not a daddy yet because I know how great of a daddy he will be one day.

The dance ended with 'But,terfly Kis.ses'. I fought back tears and was proud to hold it to just misty eyes. My dad and I danced to the spanish version of this song at my wedding (there were definetely tears then) and I just want for L and I to get to have that same experience with our children.

I leave you with this picture I found on the net while I go shed my own tears:

On the horse again

We have been cleared for take off. After u/s and bw today, we got the go ahead to start another month. We will continue our same protocol as I was happy with the # of follies and the lining. My shots start tomorrow. I will be taking baby aspirin daily as my doc said that it could possibly help with implantation and it doesnt hurt so we'll be trying it.

So to begin, here's a picture of a needle ready for poking:

(I didnt take this pic but borrowed from net)

Home

Home

"Home is where your memories are,

It’s where your secrets are kept.

Home is where you’re happiest,

Yet home is where you’ve wept.

Home is where your parents live,

It’s where you were raised.

Home is where you’ve been scolded most,

Yet home is where you’re praised.

Home is where you make it,

It’s where you believe the myth,

That home is when you’re happy,

Just to love the ones you’re with.

~Eric Brock

Here is a picture of our home:

Fresh Picture; Fresh Start

Todays challenge was 'fresh'. Here is my fresh. These strawberries cannot be any fresher. They came straight from the field and into my office. Then I took the above strawberries and had this (I also have some prepping in the fridge for some strawberry shortcake):
Yummy!

On another note, today I had my appt with my dr. I kind of already knew that we had two options, continue IUI or go to IVF. She suggested one more IUI with the injectables and if that doesnt work then she would recommend IVF. The one more IUI is because most couples that get pregnant with IUI get pregnant in their 3rd-4th cycle. We have done 3 IUIs but the first one was clomid+inj and she says that one didnt really count. L and I decided to go one more IUI and if this doesnt work then take an extended break and look at IVF later this year.

She left me with these words: "I am still hopeful"

Up Up in the Sky

This is a picture that L took from the plane during one of his trips. Its an awesome view.

Third time is not the charm

So after two stark white tests, cramps, headaches, and now spotting I think that we can put this month away. I am really not understanding why this is not working. My plan is to take another pee test in the morning and if that is still negative call the doctors office to schedule a consultation appointment for wed. I need to know what options we have available and what these options cost. Also if anyone knows anywhere that I can work that offers infertility insurance I would appreciate the information.

I leave you with this picture because having him is the reason that this is bearable; the reason that I can take the constant disappointments, the constant hurt and not be truly depressed or out of my mind.

Soft

My life sized monkey

Scouts

This is a picture of L's old b.oy scou.t shirt. It must be 20 some years old. Isnt it cute?

Men and their toys

This is a picture of L playing with his toys. Gotta love him.

It is what it is 8dpIUI #3

This picture is a reflection of my mood today. I have been having cramps since yesterday. Depending on how you look at it, these can be good or bad. My mood keeps going from positive to negative and back again.

I just want to fast forward to next wednesday. I have done my pleading and begging with God already but I will ask for one more thing.

God, please give me the strength to accept the results of this cycle, whether positive or negative, and to find a way to cope with the results. Just for the record, we really really rather have the positive.

Thanks,

Sandra

Supplements

My progestrone came in a little low today. My doc likes 2000 and mine was 1989 so now I have added prometrium twice a day to my regiment of medication which includes:

• Metformin 3 pills pm
• Amoxicillin (for UTI) 1 pill am and 1 pill pm
• Prometrium 1 pill am and 1 pill pm
• Prenatal 1 pill pm

This is for someone who hardly ever takes tylenol for headaches and never takes anything for common colds. Blah.

I am also in one of my pessimist moods. I am having cramps and therefore go into a 'this cycle is doomed' mindset. Or maybe its just cycle hormones getting the best of me. Either way I am now in bed and going to sleep this mood off.

Peace

Hope, 6dpIUI #3

To me this is hope. This is an u/s picture of IUI #3. The white looking stuff (where the arrow is pointing) is L's swimmers shooting out of the catether. As she was pushing in the goods, the doc says "go, boys go".

Here's to praying, hoping, begging, pleading that the next u/s picture shows a real live baby.

Double Meaning?

On Saturday, our part of the state is having an election for Congress. One of the candidates send out a brochure and this is what was on one of the pages:

I think its hilarious. One one hand I get the whole too much taxes message his trying to explain but on the other hand (a totally non political hand) I had a mental image that this is what our baby will look like one day. Because no matter if we get pg or adopt or whatever, this child has a good hold on our money even before its conceived. I can only assume it will get worse once we actually have him/her in our arms. :)

Filthy (Dirty, Foul, Unclean)

The theme for todays Photo Journal Challenge is Filthy or basically anything in that family. I thought and thought about what I wanted to post. I even had some other pictures ready but then I came across this one. I think it is hilarious and is kind of a reflection of my sense of humor. Oh and it includes my most favorite animals (monkeys). I borrowed the cartoon from here.

Do I even need to explain this?

For days, I had been thinking about what picture I wanted to post for the Photo Journal Challenge. I had planned a sweet picture of L and I or maybe a more goofy picture of L but then something happened and I decided this picture better represented my current events.

Do I even need to explain what this means?

So after a frantic run to the nearest Ready.Med. clinic I am now on 10 days of antibiodics. Great start to the weekend.

1dpIUI#3 The voices in my head

They voices in my head are going to drive me insane. At first I thought that I had ovulated yesterday pm but now I am wondering if I ovulated at all because today I am having pain on my right side (where the follicles were/are). But then I am also cramping all across, from right to left, although most of the cramping is on the right.

Then I think that maybe I ovulated one or two follicles yesterday and maybe another today. Is that even possible? Or maybe its just all the little ones I had causing the pain.

Arghh, I wish these voices would shut up!!!!

IUI #3 - Check

We had IUI #3 done this morning and it was an experience. lol

I dropped off L stuff at 830ish and was told to come back at 10ish with a full bladder. Well if any one has ever drank with me you know that with one cup in, four come out. Being the dutiful patient that I am (lol), I drank a bottle of water 15 min before the appt By the time we get there I have to pee, try to hold it but couldnt and went to pee. By 10:15 we were in the room and I start getting full again and need to pee. When the doc came in, I told her I needed to pee or I would probably pee on her so she told me to empty half of it, this is around 10:30. Go back to the room and strap in for the IUI. Turns out doc has trouble getting the catether ithru the cervix so off we go to try to do it under ultrasound. By this time of course I have to pee again (I dont think they really believed me since I had probably peed like 3 or 4 times since I got there at 10), the u/s tech is like 'lets see if you have anything in your bladder'. She just barley puts the ultrasound on my belly and of course the bladder is full (at this point I hear 'wow you have great bladder control, your bladder is super full).

Finally after a few minutes of trying under u/s, the doc gets the cather in and we get to watch the sperm blast off. It was super cool. Doc is like "swim boys swim" lol. The u/s tech is really cool so she prints me off a picture of the 'blast off'.

L and I went to lunch and then I came home to do nthing but lay around and watch tv. . Doc said everything looked "excellent". So to summarize:

• 3 nice follicles
• 55 million post wash count
• 87% post wash motility
• grade 3 - post wash (4 being the best)

All we can do now is pray that "the 3rd time is the charm".

Random Stuff

For some reason, I have become a bad blogger. I dont really know why other than I am probably just being lazy. So I am now going to borrow these ideas from other bloggers in an effort to spark my blogging:

• A gratitute journal that I got from HERE. I will try to do this once a week.
• The Photo Journal Challenge that I got from HERE. This is all about posting a photo a day. This can be an internet picture or an actual picture of whatever suits your mood.

On other news. We are going in for our IUI tomorrow. At my last us on monday I had 3 nice size follicles and a 'great' looking lining. Wish us luck.

Question: What do you call the person that does ultrasounds? I call her an ultrasonographer but I am sure thats a word I invented. lol

CD 17 Late Update

This is just a quick update on yesterday's us and bw. This has really been a slow cycle. I had a 16.5 and a 12 on the right and nothing worth telling about on the left. The lining looked great at 9.5 which is really good for me. Doc ordered 2 more days of 1.5 menopur and ganirelix and I have to go in again tomorrow.

I really hope I'm ready tomorrow because I am running out of shoot em up spots on the belly and would hate to have to start on the thigh.

Coming Out!?

Today I did my first out of the house shot. I had a meeting at work that lasted until 5 and then I had made plans to go out to dinner with some coworkers after that. So this morning I packed up all my equipment and headed of to work (I was so freaked about it that I took everything I needed for the shot but forgot my purse lol). After the meeting I set everything out and took the plunge.

Now I feel like I took a further step into being infertile, I ventured out of my house during shot time. And I can truly say 'I did shots at work' hahaha.

Too Slow or Too Impatient? CD 14

I am wondering if I am just stimulating too slow or if I am just too impatient. So far after 11 days of menopur (6 days of 1 amp, 5 days of 1.5 amps), my biggest follie is a 10. I have alot of little ones but none that have really taken off. I am not very happy with these results.

Now I will do 3 more days of 1.5 amps, then start adding ganorelix on friday and another us and bw on saturday. I hate saturday appointments because we have to drive the 45 min to the clinic and then a long wait because everyone gets told to go at 8am. oh well

My doctor says that I need to be patient and that slow is not bad we dont want to overstimulate blah blah blah. But I say I am to one jabbing needles in my stomach and each vial of menopur cost me more money so I just want something to show for this.

Support Group

Today I decided that I would attend the monthly support group meeting at my clinic. I wavered between going and not going 1)because I am not a very social person and prefer smaller groups and 2) because I didnt want to be in a place were everyone was sad and crying and stuff like that (this is my first ever support group). I ended up deciding to go since L was taking his mom out to dinner as a belated v-day thing. I actually really liked it. I would really call it more of a 'workshop' type deal. They have a guest speaker each time. This time was the clinics embryologist and her talk was really cool. She talked about a day in the life of an embryologist and other stuff. There werent many people there, only about 6 (1 couple), so it was a small group. As the embryologist was talking, some of the people would share tidbit about their journey and stuff. It was so weird because she was saying that she kinda knows from experience and looking at an embryo if it has a pretty good chance of a positive pregnancy and then one of ladies said 'well do you remember about 1pm yesterday, how did that one look, because thats when I had my transfer'. The speaker thought for a little bit and said 'yeah I remember'. All she really said was 'well it thawed and made it to transfer so I would think positive'.

As much as I liked this embryologist I told her I hoped I didnt see her after today and she told me the same. lol

On my way home, I was talking to L on the phone and he said 'well maybe I'll go with you next month' and then said 'but hopefully we wont even be there any more'. Amen to that!

Chapter 5

This chapter is all about the fact that "If Everyone Else Can Do This, Why Can't I?". It talks about feeling left out when so many people around you are getting pregnant. The authors break it down into several factors that affect your self esteem when dealing with infertility.

One of these is the thought that getting pregnant is easy. Three years ago thats what I thought too. You hear stories of women that dont know they are pregnant until they give birth or the women that say they only have to think about being pg to actually be pg. Just like everyone going through infertility I always ask myself the question "Why us?". Why can this be as easy for us. A girl at my work is pg, she got pg on her first month, no problems. I came home and told L 'Hey guess what? It really is easy for some people to get pregnant. It really does work like on tv for some people'. Unfortunately not for us. There is also the myth that treatment = success. Isnt this a false one. For us it has been 2 failed IUIs and I know that for some couple out there there have been countless failed cycles. It would be so easy for all of us if treatments yielded 100% success. Although it would still su.ck to have to go through them, we would just do it with a lighter heart because we knew success would be our but we all know thats not the way it works.

The one about cultural myths hit me hard. I am hispanic and L is part italian. Being a childfree household is not the norm in our cultures. These are two cultures that are notorious for having large families. L has 6 aunts/uncles on his mothers side alone with each of these having at least 2 kids each. I have many many aunts/uncles on my side each with at least 2 kids each and these kids also have their own kids. We always grew up with the idea of children because that is what we know and that is what our dreams are.

Another thing the author points out is the changes we make in ourselves and our lifes to prepare for children and then not having those children. This so describes me. When we first got married I was in retail management. Knowing that we would want children one day and this wasnt a family friendly industry I moved to the nonprofit industry and have been there for the past 3 years because 'when we have kids this schedule can be flexible'. The non profit industry is great and I love it but the pay su.cks. So now I am at a cross roads, do I change to a more challenging/better paying job or do I stay at this job that offers great flexibility and lots of time off. For a baby I would gladly give up the first but staying at the second and not having a baby is frustrating.

The chapter also talks about guilt. Am I being punished for something I did in the past? I struggled with this more in the first couple years than I do now. I had the thoughts that maybe God was punishing me for something I had done/not done. Then I got to the realization that the God I believe in wouldnt use babies as rewards. Even with this realization its still hard not to think of the guilt that actions from your past are coming back to haunt you. Doesnt the saying go "what comes around goes around".

Secrecy. With infertility comes this new volume level, most people around infertility start talking in whispers. Nobody wants to talk about it because we dont want the scarlet I that society can put on people. Although I am more vocal about it, its still hard because most people arent comfortable when caught in this kind of conversation. So people need to watch out when asking me the dreaded "when are you having kids" questions because depending on my mood I will give you the standard "we'll see" or "well if you really want to know, we are infertile and have been trying for 3 years and our problems include ....".

The chapter ends with healing your self esteem. It is necessary to focus on your talents. Put infertility in a box so that it doesnt take over your life. Remember your strengths, celebrate the good in your life that your self esteem will slowly recover from these blows of infertility.

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Slow and Steady

I had my ultrasound today and the results are as expected. Each ovary had about 10 follies (2 7s, 4 6s, 4 5s) like always. So now I am to do 1.5 amp of menopur and go back in on wed.

Overall the news was expected. I am always a slow grower and my doctor likes it that way.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Lucky in Love

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Happy Valentines Day to all. L and I went to a nice dinner then came home and cozied up on the couch to watch a movie. I am truly a lucky gal to have a hubby like L.

I love my husband for many reasons but our conversation the other day just reinforced that. L has periods of time where he has alot of traveling to do which we all know that with infertility treatments it gets to be inconvinient. Well we started our cycle last week and the injections last saturday which means that this week we are finishing up was about the safest week to travel and the next two weeks gets kinda dicey. So L was told that he has a mtg in CA. next friday which is right smack in the middle of our probably IUI window. I know he has to do this for his job but it makes me nervous for him not to be around. So I brought up the idea that maybe I could ask the clinic about freezing his sperm. so that if he wasnt here at least we would have the goods lol or that maybe his boss would reimburse us the cost of the cycle and we would try again another month. I really really appreciated his answer to this. He says that 1) he wants to be with me during the IUI because he has been there for all the other ones and just wants to be there and 2) that I have already been enduring the shots and it wouldnt be fair to just cancel the cycle. For that very response I love my husband even more.

L is not very vocal about his feeling toward our struggle/failures but these kinds of conversations help me realize that this matters to him as much as it matters to me he just has a different way of dealing with it. While I bit.ch and moan and pout, he just chugs along keeping the positive thoughts for the both of us.

I will take this time to say: L, thanks for being a great husband and the bestest of friends. Love you TIABABAIT.

P.S. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow to check for follicle growth.

Update

As you can see from my ticker, I am now on cycle day 4. We decided to pick up treatment again and see how that goes. So I went for my baseline on friday and as of yesterday I am doing 1 menopur a day for six days and then go in again next friday for bloodwork and ultrasound.

My feeling are mixed about this cycle. On one hand I am happy/relieved to be doing something to help us get pg but on the other hand I am mad that we have to go thru this. I am mad that the price of the medication went up. I am mad that I have to stab myself in the stomach everyday. I am just plain mad sometimes. I figure its okay to be mad and its healthier to voice it and try to get over it than to hold it all in. I know I will get over being mad at some point.

For now, L and I have reservations for Valentines Day and are going to try to enjoy our time together as we go thru yet another month of shots and ultrasounds and blood draws.

Chapters 3 & 4

Chapter 3 in this book talks about the losses of infertility. You can tell that this book is written by people that have actually been through infertility. One is the loss of pregnancy and birth. I want a baby and I also want to be pregnant. I want to experience the first kicks, I want to have time to cherish our relationship as a couple and our excitement over adding a baby. I want all this but feel that this is something I might never get to have. Another one is the loss of belonging. I feel like I really dont belong anywhere. Most of my old friends from college are single and not in a wanting a child phase. Ls cousin, his sister, and us got married within 6 months of each other and all started to talk about having children about a year into our marriages. Well one couple has 2, one couple has 1, and one couple has 0, guess which couple we are?. When they talk about children we dont really have input because we have never experience that. It sucks when we feel like we dont get to go to the zoo because its a "we're taking the kids" trip and we dont have kids. Its not their fault and I dont blame them I just wish we could be part of that club too.

Another important one for me is the loss of being healthy and normal. I have always been a fairly healthy person. Once in my childhood I was sick with stomach issues and I was in the ER as a precaution from a very minor car incident. I have never been hospitalized and never had a broken bone (knock on wood). I very very rarely go to the doctor besides the annual pap. It wasnt until this infertility stuff that I had to have surgery. So now the idea of having as many as 3 dr appts in a week is odd. It makes me feel like a sick weak person. The book also talks about the loss of being in control, the loss of feeling competent and the loss of sexual intimacy. As an women suffering through infertility I can go on and on about each of these losses.

Chapter 4 talks about being an adult without being a parent. Until I read this chapter I didnt realize how true it is. I really dont feel like an adult and people dont really see me as an adult. Even though I have been independent from my parents for a while, I have a job that requires me to supervise people as old as my parents, and I have a masters degree I dont really feel grown up. Part of this is the fact that both L and I are younger (30 and 26 respectively) than most infertility patients and we both look extremely young (think 20). The book also talks about separating from your parents and doing/not doing the things we saw our parents do to our children.

Overall I really liked these chapters and I am really liking the way this book is written. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.

Follow the blog ring to Becoming a Different Person

Unsung Lullabies Chapter 2

Chapter two of this book is all about your reproductive story. The author says that your story starts while you are still a child. I dont really know about that because I wasnt really a child that played with dolls or played house. I didnt really start thinking about children until I met L. I really never thought about children before then so the shock that this wouldnt happen easily for me/us was hard to live with.

I like when the author write "The clash between your lifelong dreams of parenthood and the daily nightmare of infertility is, in part, what makes infertility so devastating." Even though I didnt play house or dolls, I always just knew I would have children. There didnt know of any other choice because everyone I knew of had children. In my family, women didnt/dont have trouble conceiving until now.

It is in fact a daily nightmare that I live because everything around me (job, house, friends, etc) is planned around the fact that I want to add a child to my family. We have a huge house which is ready for a child and I have a family friendly job that doesnt pay very much but the time off with a child would be great. Today we went to an animal park and they were talking about family memberships. Well thats great except I dont have children for that family membership. Even though it is a nightmare, I have to think beyond that and look at the things that make this bearable. I have a great husband, a great family, a great house, and a job I enjoy among other things.

And the chapter also talks about the husbands reproductive story. It is harder on them because of society's lack of view of this issue from their perspective. I know that L hurts too about our situation but he doesnt showed it as I do and that makes me feel like it doesnt affect him, like he doesnt care.

The author also talks about keeping a journal to help through infertility. I guess this blog will work as my journal for now.

ETA: Follow the blog ring to Becoming a Different Person

Intro and Ch 1

I really havent been around for no good reason. I am thinking that when we took a treatment break that I also took a break from thinking about treatment (as much as you can take a break from thinking). I will try to start posting about non treatment things happening around me.

On the trying to conceive end, I am about to finish the progestrone and hopefully we'll gear up for another cycle. The break was good for us and has brought us to a point where we can go into this month as a stronger team because in the end that is what we are. L and I are a team. Like all teams we have our disagreements and fights, but we are a good team, a strong team and I know that whatever happens we will come out of the other end still together. Hopefully with another team member or two.

On to the book. This week we read the intro and ch 1. The book is well written and its not about the medical jargon of infertility. Its more about the psychological jargon about infertility. I like it. One of the lines that hit me is "When we were going thourgh infertility, there was so little support for what we really needed--a deep understanding of why it hurt the way it did, and a reasurrance, whether we had a baby or not, that we would somehow survive this living hell." I think this is so true. People that have never been through infertility will never really understand it. One can only hope that we have people in our lives that can listen without making comments or giving advice because sometimes all you need is a shoulder to lean on.

Overall I like the fact that the book is written by two couples that have been through infertility. I like that in the intro they write an account from the husbands point of view. I am hoping that they write more about the husbands view further into the book because that is one of the areas that I would like to learn more about.

Follow the blog ring to: Becoming a Different Person

Unsung Lullabies

I, along with some other fellow bloggers, am participating in a "book reading". We are all going to read "Unsung Lullabies". Since most of us havent gotten our books yet this post is a starting point on my current situation.

We are currently on a break because we wanted to spend some time with my parents over the holidays and didnt want to deal with medications and the stress of timing and all that. The other reason that we are on a break is because, due to reasons that are to long to explain, my mil, sil, bil, and niece have been living with us for almost 6 months. This has put alot of extra strain on us and on our marriage so we are trying to work through these before picking up treatments again.

On one hand I am frustrated about not currently pursuing treatment but on the other this break from the stress of treatment is good for me and my marriage. This gives us an opportunity to focus on each other and for me to really look at the strength of our relationship. As much as a want a baby, I also want a good strong relationship with my husband. So for me it has been good to get away from the clinic, the shots, the stress, and the let down of our constant disappointments.

So my houseguest are moving out at the end of this month and I think we will probably pick up treatments next month or next cycle.

Part of this book club is to post a link of another readers post so that way we all get to read and comment on each others opinions of the book. So follow the road to: Becoming a Different Person

Need a laugh?

If you need a laugh tonight tune in to Ame.rica.n I.dol. Its hilarious.

No better way to say it

I am sending you to this post by Just One Bean because it encompasses everything that I would want to say and she says it so well:

Tea and empathy

A late start

Wow my first post in 2008 is kinda late in coming.

Around xmas I was having a hard time with stuff at home and needed to get away for a while, so I went to visit my parents right after xmas and stayed for a week. I didnt take my laptop because I just wanted to get away from everything and everyone. L met me over there and we went on vacation with my parents to a small town in new me.xi.co. It was so nice. We slept, ate, relax and played in the snow.

Then we had to come home.

So far 2008 has not been too good to me:
-my work is going through issues, one of which includes not giving my the expected raise upon completion of my master's degree
-no real sign of ovulation so probably will have to have it jumpstarted
-problems with L and stuff which have us on the brink of separation

Needless to say I really hope that things improve from here on out. Where our ttc journey goes depends on some serious talks we need to have about our future together.