Chapter 5

This chapter is all about the fact that "If Everyone Else Can Do This, Why Can't I?". It talks about feeling left out when so many people around you are getting pregnant. The authors break it down into several factors that affect your self esteem when dealing with infertility.

One of these is the thought that getting pregnant is easy. Three years ago thats what I thought too. You hear stories of women that dont know they are pregnant until they give birth or the women that say they only have to think about being pg to actually be pg. Just like everyone going through infertility I always ask myself the question "Why us?". Why can this be as easy for us. A girl at my work is pg, she got pg on her first month, no problems. I came home and told L 'Hey guess what? It really is easy for some people to get pregnant. It really does work like on tv for some people'. Unfortunately not for us. There is also the myth that treatment = success. Isnt this a false one. For us it has been 2 failed IUIs and I know that for some couple out there there have been countless failed cycles. It would be so easy for all of us if treatments yielded 100% success. Although it would still su.ck to have to go through them, we would just do it with a lighter heart because we knew success would be our but we all know thats not the way it works.

The one about cultural myths hit me hard. I am hispanic and L is part italian. Being a childfree household is not the norm in our cultures. These are two cultures that are notorious for having large families. L has 6 aunts/uncles on his mothers side alone with each of these having at least 2 kids each. I have many many aunts/uncles on my side each with at least 2 kids each and these kids also have their own kids. We always grew up with the idea of children because that is what we know and that is what our dreams are.

Another thing the author points out is the changes we make in ourselves and our lifes to prepare for children and then not having those children. This so describes me. When we first got married I was in retail management. Knowing that we would want children one day and this wasnt a family friendly industry I moved to the nonprofit industry and have been there for the past 3 years because 'when we have kids this schedule can be flexible'. The non profit industry is great and I love it but the pay su.cks. So now I am at a cross roads, do I change to a more challenging/better paying job or do I stay at this job that offers great flexibility and lots of time off. For a baby I would gladly give up the first but staying at the second and not having a baby is frustrating.

The chapter also talks about guilt. Am I being punished for something I did in the past? I struggled with this more in the first couple years than I do now. I had the thoughts that maybe God was punishing me for something I had done/not done. Then I got to the realization that the God I believe in wouldnt use babies as rewards. Even with this realization its still hard not to think of the guilt that actions from your past are coming back to haunt you. Doesnt the saying go "what comes around goes around".

Secrecy. With infertility comes this new volume level, most people around infertility start talking in whispers. Nobody wants to talk about it because we dont want the scarlet I that society can put on people. Although I am more vocal about it, its still hard because most people arent comfortable when caught in this kind of conversation. So people need to watch out when asking me the dreaded "when are you having kids" questions because depending on my mood I will give you the standard "we'll see" or "well if you really want to know, we are infertile and have been trying for 3 years and our problems include ....".

The chapter ends with healing your self esteem. It is necessary to focus on your talents. Put infertility in a box so that it doesnt take over your life. Remember your strengths, celebrate the good in your life that your self esteem will slowly recover from these blows of infertility.

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Slow and Steady

I had my ultrasound today and the results are as expected. Each ovary had about 10 follies (2 7s, 4 6s, 4 5s) like always. So now I am to do 1.5 amp of menopur and go back in on wed.

Overall the news was expected. I am always a slow grower and my doctor likes it that way.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Lucky in Love

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Happy Valentines Day to all. L and I went to a nice dinner then came home and cozied up on the couch to watch a movie. I am truly a lucky gal to have a hubby like L.

I love my husband for many reasons but our conversation the other day just reinforced that. L has periods of time where he has alot of traveling to do which we all know that with infertility treatments it gets to be inconvinient. Well we started our cycle last week and the injections last saturday which means that this week we are finishing up was about the safest week to travel and the next two weeks gets kinda dicey. So L was told that he has a mtg in CA. next friday which is right smack in the middle of our probably IUI window. I know he has to do this for his job but it makes me nervous for him not to be around. So I brought up the idea that maybe I could ask the clinic about freezing his sperm. so that if he wasnt here at least we would have the goods lol or that maybe his boss would reimburse us the cost of the cycle and we would try again another month. I really really appreciated his answer to this. He says that 1) he wants to be with me during the IUI because he has been there for all the other ones and just wants to be there and 2) that I have already been enduring the shots and it wouldnt be fair to just cancel the cycle. For that very response I love my husband even more.

L is not very vocal about his feeling toward our struggle/failures but these kinds of conversations help me realize that this matters to him as much as it matters to me he just has a different way of dealing with it. While I bit.ch and moan and pout, he just chugs along keeping the positive thoughts for the both of us.

I will take this time to say: L, thanks for being a great husband and the bestest of friends. Love you TIABABAIT.

P.S. I have my first ultrasound tomorrow to check for follicle growth.

Update

As you can see from my ticker, I am now on cycle day 4. We decided to pick up treatment again and see how that goes. So I went for my baseline on friday and as of yesterday I am doing 1 menopur a day for six days and then go in again next friday for bloodwork and ultrasound.

My feeling are mixed about this cycle. On one hand I am happy/relieved to be doing something to help us get pg but on the other hand I am mad that we have to go thru this. I am mad that the price of the medication went up. I am mad that I have to stab myself in the stomach everyday. I am just plain mad sometimes. I figure its okay to be mad and its healthier to voice it and try to get over it than to hold it all in. I know I will get over being mad at some point.

For now, L and I have reservations for Valentines Day and are going to try to enjoy our time together as we go thru yet another month of shots and ultrasounds and blood draws.

Chapters 3 & 4

Chapter 3 in this book talks about the losses of infertility. You can tell that this book is written by people that have actually been through infertility. One is the loss of pregnancy and birth. I want a baby and I also want to be pregnant. I want to experience the first kicks, I want to have time to cherish our relationship as a couple and our excitement over adding a baby. I want all this but feel that this is something I might never get to have. Another one is the loss of belonging. I feel like I really dont belong anywhere. Most of my old friends from college are single and not in a wanting a child phase. Ls cousin, his sister, and us got married within 6 months of each other and all started to talk about having children about a year into our marriages. Well one couple has 2, one couple has 1, and one couple has 0, guess which couple we are?. When they talk about children we dont really have input because we have never experience that. It sucks when we feel like we dont get to go to the zoo because its a "we're taking the kids" trip and we dont have kids. Its not their fault and I dont blame them I just wish we could be part of that club too.

Another important one for me is the loss of being healthy and normal. I have always been a fairly healthy person. Once in my childhood I was sick with stomach issues and I was in the ER as a precaution from a very minor car incident. I have never been hospitalized and never had a broken bone (knock on wood). I very very rarely go to the doctor besides the annual pap. It wasnt until this infertility stuff that I had to have surgery. So now the idea of having as many as 3 dr appts in a week is odd. It makes me feel like a sick weak person. The book also talks about the loss of being in control, the loss of feeling competent and the loss of sexual intimacy. As an women suffering through infertility I can go on and on about each of these losses.

Chapter 4 talks about being an adult without being a parent. Until I read this chapter I didnt realize how true it is. I really dont feel like an adult and people dont really see me as an adult. Even though I have been independent from my parents for a while, I have a job that requires me to supervise people as old as my parents, and I have a masters degree I dont really feel grown up. Part of this is the fact that both L and I are younger (30 and 26 respectively) than most infertility patients and we both look extremely young (think 20). The book also talks about separating from your parents and doing/not doing the things we saw our parents do to our children.

Overall I really liked these chapters and I am really liking the way this book is written. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.

Follow the blog ring to Becoming a Different Person

Unsung Lullabies Chapter 2

Chapter two of this book is all about your reproductive story. The author says that your story starts while you are still a child. I dont really know about that because I wasnt really a child that played with dolls or played house. I didnt really start thinking about children until I met L. I really never thought about children before then so the shock that this wouldnt happen easily for me/us was hard to live with.

I like when the author write "The clash between your lifelong dreams of parenthood and the daily nightmare of infertility is, in part, what makes infertility so devastating." Even though I didnt play house or dolls, I always just knew I would have children. There didnt know of any other choice because everyone I knew of had children. In my family, women didnt/dont have trouble conceiving until now.

It is in fact a daily nightmare that I live because everything around me (job, house, friends, etc) is planned around the fact that I want to add a child to my family. We have a huge house which is ready for a child and I have a family friendly job that doesnt pay very much but the time off with a child would be great. Today we went to an animal park and they were talking about family memberships. Well thats great except I dont have children for that family membership. Even though it is a nightmare, I have to think beyond that and look at the things that make this bearable. I have a great husband, a great family, a great house, and a job I enjoy among other things.

And the chapter also talks about the husbands reproductive story. It is harder on them because of society's lack of view of this issue from their perspective. I know that L hurts too about our situation but he doesnt showed it as I do and that makes me feel like it doesnt affect him, like he doesnt care.

The author also talks about keeping a journal to help through infertility. I guess this blog will work as my journal for now.

ETA: Follow the blog ring to Becoming a Different Person

Intro and Ch 1

I really havent been around for no good reason. I am thinking that when we took a treatment break that I also took a break from thinking about treatment (as much as you can take a break from thinking). I will try to start posting about non treatment things happening around me.

On the trying to conceive end, I am about to finish the progestrone and hopefully we'll gear up for another cycle. The break was good for us and has brought us to a point where we can go into this month as a stronger team because in the end that is what we are. L and I are a team. Like all teams we have our disagreements and fights, but we are a good team, a strong team and I know that whatever happens we will come out of the other end still together. Hopefully with another team member or two.

On to the book. This week we read the intro and ch 1. The book is well written and its not about the medical jargon of infertility. Its more about the psychological jargon about infertility. I like it. One of the lines that hit me is "When we were going thourgh infertility, there was so little support for what we really needed--a deep understanding of why it hurt the way it did, and a reasurrance, whether we had a baby or not, that we would somehow survive this living hell." I think this is so true. People that have never been through infertility will never really understand it. One can only hope that we have people in our lives that can listen without making comments or giving advice because sometimes all you need is a shoulder to lean on.

Overall I like the fact that the book is written by two couples that have been through infertility. I like that in the intro they write an account from the husbands point of view. I am hoping that they write more about the husbands view further into the book because that is one of the areas that I would like to learn more about.

Follow the blog ring to: Becoming a Different Person

Unsung Lullabies

I, along with some other fellow bloggers, am participating in a "book reading". We are all going to read "Unsung Lullabies". Since most of us havent gotten our books yet this post is a starting point on my current situation.

We are currently on a break because we wanted to spend some time with my parents over the holidays and didnt want to deal with medications and the stress of timing and all that. The other reason that we are on a break is because, due to reasons that are to long to explain, my mil, sil, bil, and niece have been living with us for almost 6 months. This has put alot of extra strain on us and on our marriage so we are trying to work through these before picking up treatments again.

On one hand I am frustrated about not currently pursuing treatment but on the other this break from the stress of treatment is good for me and my marriage. This gives us an opportunity to focus on each other and for me to really look at the strength of our relationship. As much as a want a baby, I also want a good strong relationship with my husband. So for me it has been good to get away from the clinic, the shots, the stress, and the let down of our constant disappointments.

So my houseguest are moving out at the end of this month and I think we will probably pick up treatments next month or next cycle.

Part of this book club is to post a link of another readers post so that way we all get to read and comment on each others opinions of the book. So follow the road to: Becoming a Different Person

Need a laugh?

If you need a laugh tonight tune in to Ame.rica.n I.dol. Its hilarious.

No better way to say it

I am sending you to this post by Just One Bean because it encompasses everything that I would want to say and she says it so well:

Tea and empathy

A late start

Wow my first post in 2008 is kinda late in coming.

Around xmas I was having a hard time with stuff at home and needed to get away for a while, so I went to visit my parents right after xmas and stayed for a week. I didnt take my laptop because I just wanted to get away from everything and everyone. L met me over there and we went on vacation with my parents to a small town in new me.xi.co. It was so nice. We slept, ate, relax and played in the snow.

Then we had to come home.

So far 2008 has not been too good to me:
-my work is going through issues, one of which includes not giving my the expected raise upon completion of my master's degree
-no real sign of ovulation so probably will have to have it jumpstarted
-problems with L and stuff which have us on the brink of separation

Needless to say I really hope that things improve from here on out. Where our ttc journey goes depends on some serious talks we need to have about our future together.

Christmas Eve Morning

Another Christmas has come and we are still without a baby. This is our 3rd Christmas trying. I hoped and prayed that this would be our year but that didnt work out for us.

And although we do not have a child, I am grateful for what I do have. We are a family. We are a strong family of two and we will continue doing whatever necessary to accept our future. We hope that this future includes a growing family but if it does not then we will be happy in the joy and strength of our family of two.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Here's a shot of our Christmas tree, pre-presents:

Maybe next year?

Trying in 2007 has come to an end for us. Today started cycle day 1. I really think we missed ovulation. I always have a 14 day luteal phase. We did the IUI on thursday when I really think I ovulated on wed. (based on ovulation pains and since period started today).

We are skipping this next month because 1)I really dont want to be doing shots and appts during the holidays and 2)We have plans to go visit my parents in Te.xas.

So now I am going to go on and enjoy my holidays. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then I have a much needed two week vacation. Yay!

Spotting

I started spotting so the bleeding will probably come full flow tomorrow.

Blah!

11dpIUI#2

I am at 11dpIUI#2 and got a stark white pg stick staring back at me this morning. I know that its still early but the cramping over the weekend was pretty bad. So although I am not giving up all hope right now I am slowly accepting that thursday will come with cycle day 1.

For now I am going to enjoy the holidays. I promised Larry that I would not be depressed and sad during Christmas time and I refuse to break that promise.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

This year I have been really really good. The inlaws (mil, sil, bil, and 22 mo old niece) have lived here the last 6 months and I have yet to kill anyone. I have also gone to work more days than not. I have been nice to my brothers and sister. So with that said, this year I would really love a positive pregnancy test. Really just that one thing.

But just in case I dont get the positive test, here is what I would like to see under the tree:
-mammoth crocs, chocolate, size 8
-camera bag
-some books
-some new clothes
-season one of With.out A T.race
-a watch

Anyway, Santa please remember that the positive pregnancy test is all I really really want this year.

Oh and the positive test can be a joined gift for L and me since he has been good this year too.

If it will help my cause I will leave you some really good treats on Christmas Eve.

Thanks Santa! Keep up the hard work!

Love,
Sandra

P.S. Just as a reminder, I really really would like that positive test!

IUI #2 - Done

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went fine other than the doc had a little bit of trouble with the cervic but nothing too bad. The IUI itself did hurt a lot more than last time. We also had some pretty good counts on L's side.

43.7 million
84% motility
grade 3

This is the first time he has ever had a grade this high. The first analysis 2 yrs ago showed a 2. The IUI last month showed a 2.5 and now its at 3. We are excited about the improvement there.

So now its on to the very long wait of the next two weeks.

Which reindeer are you?

L is out of town and I am bored. So here you are:

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

IUI #2 & Rudeness

We are a go for IUI #2 on thursday. There wasnt much action in my ovaries this cycle which I am kinda bummed about. I have an 18 and a 15 on the left and nothing on the right. I think the right ovary missed the wake up call because it produced nothing. Also L is out on a business trip and should come back tomorrow night. Let s a pray for on time departures/arrivals tomorrow lol

On a non infertility subject. Heres a conversation I overheard today:

Cashier: (After seeing name on credit card) You're Chinese?!
Lady: Yea
Cashier: Really?! Are you mixed?!

Now why in the world would you say something like that to somebody.

I guess this is a sore subject for me because people are always asking me about my ethnicity. I speak both english and spanish with no accents and that always seems to throw people off. Heres a sample conversation:

Person: Where did you learn to speak spanish?
Me: Spanish is my first language
Person: Really?!
Me: Yes. I am Mexican
Person: Mexican?
Me: Yes. Mexican. Both my parents are Mexican so that makes me a Mexican born in the US.
Person: Where did you get the red hair?

This is were I either go on a talk about my genetic tree or end the conversation with a sarcastic remark (the latter happens more often)

So there is my rant for the week

Sluggish?

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and I wasnt very pleased with what we have. There was very little growth. Basically they are still too small to worth remembering. I was kinda upset about this but when the nurse called me back she said my doctor wasnt worried because my estrogen went up nicely. I was kept on the same dose and go back on monday. And of course this next week is probably when the IUI needs to happen and it also happens to be an extremely busy work week for both of us. We shall see.

So today we spend the day with the Wiggle (our niece). We went shopping at To.ys R. Us and the mall and then we went to Chu.ck E Chee.se, it was crazy. She was really good and other than peeing through the diapers and the pants we had a good day. Tomorrow we are taking her to the park. The funny thing about all this is since we dont have children we arent used to going out and about with one. We had the Wiggle ready heading out the door without a diaperbag or sippy cup or anything. We have alot to learn when hopefully soon the time comes for a child of our own.