Pumpkin

We decided to carve a pumkin today. This was our first pumpkin carving event and I must say it was cool. Here's a before picture of our pumpkin:

This is the kind of concentration you need when carving pumpkins lol:
Tada!!! This is our finished product:


Since I am a fre.ak about burning down the house, I have to go buy batteries for the light that goes inside of it.

Zero, Nada, Zilch

Thats how many good follicles I have. I had my ultrasound today and had a bunch of immature little f&8#$#s. I think the biggest one was around 8mm which is really nothing. I was/am extremely dissapointment. I feel like we are moving backwards instead of forward. I now will take 1.5 meno.pur. for 3 days and go for another ultrasound on tues. I hope by then I have something worthy.

So now I am at home and hiding from the world, I am unsure when I will come out of hiding.

Popp.in the che.r.ry.

I popped my injetable che.rry today. I must say that I did freak out a little bit. We had a little problem with the set up and then all the prepping was done for the actual show. I kinda panicked a little. I was scared because I dint know how much pressure to use. So heres a picture of the actual moment.
L was my cheerleader and according to him, at first I froze and then I almost hyperventilated. So he starts bribing me lol First he offered me ice cream. Then he said books. Because I was a big girl and was able to give myself the injection, I got these two.
I think tomorrow will go smoothly.

A New Step

I finished the clomid today and will start meno.pur tomorrow. To say that I am scared is an understatement. Besides the physical part of giving the shot, I am scared of what this means. To me this is so much more than just taking the clomid. This means that I really am infertile and need help.

I am also scared of the hope that this cycle brings. Although I have tried hard and keep trying to tell myself that this might not work. My heart is filled with hope that this will be our "cure".

And We're Off!

Okay this time we really are off and running. I had my ultra sound today and passed. No cysts! I am starting clomid today for 5 days then men.opur, for 3 days and an ultra sound next sat am. So I am hoping! Hoping that this is a step in the right direction for us

I will try to give myself the shots and hopefully I dont chicken out. Haha

Ready, Set, Go?

So AF showed today and I have an US. scheduled for tomorrow. I am thinking that the cyst is still there because I am feeling pain on my right side which is the same as last month.

Today I have a headache, cramps, my period, and I am just exhausted so I am going to get my heating pad and my pjs and go night night.

Come Out...

Come out come out wherever you are. I am on the white pills of my bcp pack and ready for AF to get here. I am ready to start although I think I will still have that cyst in there. I really hope not because I am going insane standing in the sidelines.

Its funny that I keep checking the tp for any little sign on redness to signal her arrival.

Come out Come out

Come out where ever you are. Is anybody out there?

Kick Me?

I currently have a job in the early childhood education industry, in the management side. I love my job and it doesn't really affect me to be around all the kids. I like it. The one thing missing is that I don't have an early childhood background. I am actually a business major and all my experience is in that area.

So I am taking some courses through the local technical college. This semester I am taking one class. Today the teacher looks around the room and says "So everyone here has or has had children, as in children of your own, except for..." this is when she looks directly at me and say "...you, right?"

Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "childless person over here" right next to the one that says "punch me in the gut"? Do I not look like mother material? Needless to say I didn't say much the rest of the class. I felt like the outsider that I am. No I don't have children, No I cant tell you much about raising children. And that hurts. That hurts a lot because I so want to experience that.

I am not liking being on the sideline this month. I want to join the game!!!

Happiness Challenge

I did The Happiness Challenge this month. My challenge was to play with my camera/photo stuff at least once a week. I think I did pretty good. I really like photography and want to get better at it. I am going to look for a class and continue my challenge for next month along with The Second Challenge

Here are some products of my month.

Barbecue Sauce at Rudys BBQ - Yummy!

The Swamp - Not really swamp but close enough lol
L walking on the boardwalk
Me practicing my portraits. L is my only willing model
Rabbit trying to hide

Cattlemans Restaurant. Cool View!

Chicos Tacos. YUUUMMMYY!!
Our new front door buddy!


The river front

Even giant ugly bugs have friends lol

I need lots and lots of practice lol :)

No Sh!t

We have figured out the answer to our fertility problems:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20959452/wid/11915773?gt1=10412

If L had a deep voice we would have offspring.

Blah!

Some people study the stup.idest things. Come on people! Concentrate on the cure for cancer, the cure for infertility, something I give a rats a.ss. about.

Stalled

Its kinda like, reving up your car to start a race and then your car dying.

We are now on hold for another month. I have a cyst on my right ovary. Blah. So now I am on birth control for a month. Then another check on the cyst.

I am bummed out. I was ready to start. I was mentally prepared and now that preparedness has disappeared.

I feel like a deflated balloon. :(

And, we're off!

Its been a while since I have been so happy for a cycle to start. I am excited about being more proactive toward our ultimate goal.

Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound appointment.

Better but not great

Those were the words out of the nurses mouth. L's sp.er.m analysis came back higher in motility but still a low number of normal heads. His count is fine. His motility increased from 24% to 46%, they still want it to be above 50%. His normal heads is 13%, they really wanted to be above 30%.

So the doc says that all is well to move forward with IUI.

Tomorrow we leave for El Paso. Yay!!!

The Doc & The Plan

Edited because two sets of ears are better than one and L heard some things differently than I did.

We had a good first consult with our new RE, I will call her Dr. ?? (nickname will come to me later). We got a good feeling after meeting with her. I like her because she took the time to tell us our options and explain the pros and cons of the options. She also gave us hope without promising us the world. I think it was a successful appointment.

The clinic is a nice place. There was no one there but us so its very quiet. Like I told my inlaws, this is not a happy place, nobody wants to be there and everyone wishes they were somewhere else.

The one odd/cool thing was that they took our picture for our file. I guess so they can learn our faces or something. Weird.

So now the plan:
*TSH bloodwork - NORMAL
*Semen Analysis -Schedules for 9/13
*Metformin 1500 mg extended release - CHECK
*Provera to induce cycle - CHECK
*Clomid 100mg + Menopur
*Post Coital Test (this is depending on semen analysis results)
*IUI

If there is not enough response with the clomid + injectables then we will convert the cycle to all injectables.

So then the cost:
*My insurance covers diagnostic appointments so it covered this first appointment. L's insurance should cover his sperm analysis. (L's insurance does not cover his SA)
*We got four vials of menopur so that was nice
*Once my cycle starts -
Cycle Mgmt Fees $795
Medication 100-200
IUI 400
-----------
$1295-1395
*The cost for the post coital test is $72

All in all I am feeling good about our chances. I really really hope it works.

On a funny note: The nurse talked to us first, taking our history and such. She then closes the file, folds her hands, and asks "So what would you like us to help you?".( I really wanted to say "I dont know, how about a car loan?") I actually said "To have a baby". Why else would we be sitting on the other side of the desk lady. This isnt a bank or a car dealership.

*Disclaimer about the cost: I am to the point where I dont really care what it costs. I will take out a loan or use a credit card if I have to. I dont care. My new motto on money is "F*&^ It". We will find money somewhere.
**Double Disclaimer: The above statement can change depending on the number of cycles it takes to conceive or throw in the towel.

Oh yeah if anyone knows the best place to get meds please please let me know. Thanks

ETA: Doc said I must start exercising 30 min 5 days a week!!! Ahhh!!!

Kids Yet?

Yup that stu.pid annoying question again. This time it was to L. I told him to be prepared to answer that question because this particular person always asks it. He should learn to listen to his wife more lol. So the conversation went something like this (I only hear his side);

Person: "Hey you have kids yet?"

L: "No"

Person: "Why not?"

L: "Its not that easy, dude"

Person: "What do you mean its not that easy?" (laughing)

L: "We're having problems!" (aggravated)

Person: "I didnt know that"

Well person now you know. Yes we love kids, we want kids more than anything in this world. This is the first time I have actually heard L admit why we dont have kids yet. Its not something we hide or are ashamed of but its also not something we talk about with just anyone. L has been my rock, putting on a positive face in the light of my negativity. It both hurts and makes me feel better that he would say something like that. It hurts that he even has to say it because he is great daddy material and it makes me feel better because I could tell that he does hurt and is sad over our struggle.

So to sum it all up: WE ARE HAVING PROBLEMS

Busy Weekend

We had a pretty busy interesting weekend. Saturday was "us" day and we spend it at Mi.ch@els , and bowling. Neither of us are very good bowlers but it was fun. Here is one of me with the bright pink bowling ball.
Here is one of my lovely gutter ball!!! lol
Then today we had two parties to go to. One of them was luau theme so here we are.
L and I arent big socializers so these two parties have met our quota for the month! lol Just kidding we enjoyed spending time with our friends and family.

Tomorrow is a day of rest! Then next weekend we have a wedding to attend. Then next monday is our first RE appointment. Then we go see my parents in Texas that weekend. Then we go to Ho.us.ton. at the end of the month. This is all aside from working all week and going to school two nights a week. Jeez now I really do need my day of rest!!!

Cruising

We are just cruising over here. If you glance up you can see that I am on cycle day 38. Yup 38 no sign of AF coming, snow white tests. So this is probably another loooong cycle for me that wont end until I go see the RE and get some meds. Obviously my body is still no cooperating or working as it should. Blah

Our RE consult is on Sept 10.

Question: Financially, how do you do it? I havent had my first appointment and I am already worried about the cost. My insurance wont cover it. Somedays I am ready to suck it up and get a loan and somedays I want to wait and save money for it but sh.it happens and the money doesnt keeping adding up. So how do you do it? How do you finance it and how do you not worry about it?

Change

I changed my blogspot address. I just felt like making a change sorry if it confuses anybody (I think theres one person out there besides me that reads this :) )

Its cycle day 30. No sign of AF anywhere. I dont even know if I ovulated this month. I was going to get bloodwork to check but was never able to make it to the doctors office. What are the chances that I ovulated on my own? Ha probably slim to none. Blah. Should I test? Blah. Havent decided.

This picture both makes me happy and sad. I am happy to have this beautiful child in our lives. I am sad that we only get to borrow this one from time to time and dont have one of our own for keeps. I am sad that I have been unable to give L a little one onto which he can give the love he holds in his heart. I pray that we get a little one for keeps soon. I know one way or another L will be a great daddy one day. I will be proud to raise a child to be just like daddy. L is truly one of a kind.

Break Over?

So technically we are taking a break this cycle. I am switching insurance at work and so my RE appointment had to be postponed until that happens in September. I am tired of waitin. I am ready to take the emotional and financial step of going through treatment.

The other day I was trying to explain to someone why sometimes its so hard to be around others with kids when you cant have any. I tried to explain why sometimes you have to hold yourself away from others, especially babies, so that you can bear the pain in your heart. I tried to explain the necessity for some of us to have a child (whether biological or adopted) to carry a piece of us into the future. But someone who doesnt know the struggle of infertility cannot understand these thing. For them it is so easy to say, 'well just learn to deal with it so you can be happy'. Well, my friends, its just not that easy.

"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"

Lyrics from If You're Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins


"Yo no sé nada de ti
Y siento que en tu vida esta la mia
Yo quiero andar contigo y enseñarte cosas que
ni te imaginas, ni te imaginas"

Lyrics from No Se Nada De Ti by Obie Bermudez

Present

Yes, I am still here. I am not blogging much because I dont have much to say. We are taking a break from medicines other than the metformin. I originally had an appointment with a RE on Aug 22 but they called to tell me he wont be coming to the clinic near where I live so I had to choose another doc. I have an appointment on the 27th.

Other than that a heavy season of work started today. I got an A in my summer class. I am now registered for my last class for my MBA starting this month.

Busy, Busy

Fortune

This is what L's fortune cookie said today:

"Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours"

Sad but true, my love. Very True. Hahahaha

New Cycle

I started my cycle on friday. Of course it was the day we were going out of town for a friends wedding, very bad timing. Oh well on to a new cycle. We are taking a break this cycle with a consult visit to my new RE at somepoint this month.

Although I am happy with the progress we have made with the metformin and clomid, it is very hard to face the failure of each cycle. Before when I wasnt ovulating there really was no hope so I wasnt as vulnerable every month. But these last couple of months I have been so excited, so hopeful, so sure it was going to work. This is why am I ready to move on to the RE. Hopefully this will solve a problem.

PS My new ticker is a sign of my current mood. Enough said!

Book Tour

Book: The Kid

Author: Dan Savage

I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter "Grieving Our Infertility" (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that "Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities." If you're part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow "failed" as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?

I do feel that I have "failed" as a woman. I am Hispanic which also plays an important role in my "failure". Nobody in my family has had problems conceiving, I have cousins who were p.g at 15. The typical stereotype is that Hispanics start having children their wedding night. Obviously I am not one of these people. As a child my image of adulthood did not include fertility treatments or struggles. My image was getting married and getting pre.gn.ant the day after that. So yes I feel like I have failed as a woman. I have failed myself, I have failed my husband, I have failed my family. Sometimes this failure weighs more heavily on me than other times.



How did you feel about a gay male explaining the emotions of infertility starting on p. 22? Were you offended or impressed? Do you think he got it right or was he far from the mark? Did you feel that he was correct when he said on p. 26, "I understood what they must have been going through"?

In some ways I think Dan was right in his statement but only talking on the point of view of his experience. I dont think he could really understand the pain of going through each cycle or the hope that is crushed. I dont think a person that hasnt experienced it can really understand the rollercoaster that is infertility and infertility treatments. I also think a g.ay man has more time to adjust to the fact that they will not have a biological child with their partner, while he.ter.o.se.xu.al couples do not get time to process this until they are hit with it in the face.


For a work of non-fiction, the theme of signs and coincidences plays such a large role in The Kid. On page 152, Dan writes about three twists of fate that bring Terry and he and Melissa together: "...the Seattle conception, the likelihood that Melissa spare changed us on Broadway, and the fact that the kid would be born at OHSU." Many other signs present themselves through the book such as the incident with Judy's fortune cookies, and my favorite, the fact that Dan and Terry had their first encounter in a bathroom and that they found themselves in a bathroom together at the moment their son was being born. What role do signs and coincidences play in your life in relation to your infertility and treatment? Do you find that you actively look for signs (good or bad), and how much do you take them to heart?

When we first started trying, every sign was a good sign but now I tend to look for signs that are negative. For example, L and I watch N.asc.ar and each have our favorite drivers, well my driver has been su.cki.ng all season long. I see that as a bad sign. It really has no rhyme or reason but thats it. I am also catholic and mexican which means my house is full of different saints, some turned backwards, some with coins, etc. So while I try to be oblivious to "signs" its in my nature to notice them. I do take signs to heart but I think it is a way to protect my heart from shattering.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Kid? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list in the post above . Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #6 (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Lastly, the fun part of the book tour is reading everyone else's response too and having them comment on your answers (I mean, without the comments and questions, it's sort of not a book club. It's just people talking to themselves about a book!). So please take a moment to comment on all the other blogs in the book tour.

Dear Husband,

I love you dearly I really do but please try to watch what comes out of your mouth before your say it. I know you dont realize what you say sometimes but sometimes not saying anything is better. Yes I did see the very young girl hanging out by our car at the grocery store. Yes I saw her smoking. I did not however see her pg. belly. Thanks for pointing it out though. For next time, please dont point out pregnant women to me. Yes I see them, I just choose to ignore them sometimes.

Love,
Your Wife

ovulated?

I went on monday for day 21 bloodwork and the results were 10.6. Not as good as last month. They said that it does indicate ovulation so that part is good. The bad part is that the level is very low so if I were to be pregnant I run the risk of losing it, so I started oral progesterone just to be on the safe side.

The nurse told me it would probably make me sleepy but I really didnt know that extend of it. She also told me to just stay on it until I get a period but everything I have read says that you have to get off of it before you can have a period. So I think I will take a pg test next wed/thur and get off it then. If anybody know for sure if you get your cycle while on prometrium please let me know.

Copying

I am copying Ann's post at The Unlucky 20 Percent because this is exactly how I feel and dont want to rewrite it. I am happy to see that I am not alone in this infertility rollercoaster.

Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 26. Usually I love my birthday but this year I wish it wasnt happening. When we started trying for a baby I thought for sure I would be a mom by the time I reached 25.

Yes I am young and have time on my side but just because I am young doesnt mean that I am less infertile. We have been trying for 2 yrs 5 mos. Most people in this 20s dont take that long. So no I do not want to hear:

• "but you are sooo young"
• "just give it time"
• "just enjoy being young and free"
• "are you sure you want kids?"
• "enjoy being alone with your husband"
• or any other phrase similar to these

Being infertile at a young age is like a double slap in the face, I think. One blow for being infertile and another blow for watching everyone your age pop them out one after the other

Yes world even though I am young my heart aches just like any other

Harry

If you are a Harry Potter fan and are excited about the new movie turn away from the computer and turn on "Harry Potter: Behind the Scenes". Its on now on A&E.

Die Hard

We went to see "Live Free or Die Hard" yesterday. It was pretty good, one of the best movies this year. You gotta love the sarcastic @ss. that is Bru.ce Wi.lli.es. He plays his typical sarcastic, co.cky. role he plays in the other Die Hards. Go see it, its pretty funny.

Other than that we are watching all the Harry Potter movies in preparation for the new movie that comes out next week. Yes we are geeks. lol

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Righty Tighty

I went in for my follicle check today and there was one nice size on the right. So I got the hcg shot to hopefully release it. The nurses are nice and a little superstitious. Last month I had the follicle on the left and got the shot on the left hip and this time its on the right so they gave it to me on the right. I hope it works.

So my question is what is a nice size? I tried to google it but cant come up with a definite answer. The tech said they like to see anything over 2.0 cm (20mm) and mine was 2.9 cm (29mm). I am worried over the fact that it was so big on cd 13 and that it hadnt released on its own. I hope I release it otherwise I will have a nice big cyst to deal with.

Gotta go back next week for progestrone bloodwork.

ETA: I am concerned about the size of my follicles, and the timing of my HCG shot. How big should my lead follicle be before I take my HCG shot?
A lead follicle should be at least 16 mm on an hMG like Pergonal, it should be at least 18 mm on a recombinant FSH like Gonal-F, and should be about 22 mm on Clomid. Occasionally Gonal-F can produce mature eggs in smaller follicles, in which case other measurements such as E2 and progesterone should be used to indicate maturity. (The difference in ideal size is due to the difference in mechanisms by which the medications work. For example, the mechanism by which Clomid works often takes a bit longer because it is indirect. Therefore, the follicle has more time to grow before the egg is actually mature).

2nd Half

Its now the second half of the year 2007. The first half has not brought by much for me, I am hoping the second half brings good news to many of us.

I havent really posted much because I really dont have much to say. Right now I am just waiting. I pee on an opk every evening but they all look the same. Tomorrow I will call the doc to see about an ultrasound since they will be closed on wed and I dont want to wait until fri. This is one of the main reasons I am ready to move to the infertility clinic, they offer more monitoring.

Happy July!!! The best month of the year!!!!!

Prayers

Our thoughts and prayers are with this family during what must be a very difficult and painful time.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,286693,00.html

Our Journey

I thought I would put in writing our journey so far:

Our Problems: I have PCOS, annovulatory cycles (dont make/release egg), no egg=no baby; L has soldiers with weird heads that cant swim.

Our Timeline:
Mar 2004 - married the love of my life
Feb 2005 - chucked birth control pills
July 2005 - no period since going off bcp so off to obgyn
July 2005-Dec 2005 - tried clomid no monitoring no luck
Feb 2006 - visit with RE Dr. L, clomid, no response (didn't like Dr. L too much)
Mar 2006 - opportunity to adopt international presented went
with it full force
May 2006 - trip to Mexico to meet with adoption people
July 2006 - adoption not as easy as made to be, not much hope given
August 2006 - back to new obgyn
Dec 2006 - give up hope on adoption
Jan 2007 - obgyn, clomid, hcg, no response, add metformin
April 2007 - laprascopy
May/June 2007 - obgyn says 3 more clomid cycles
June 2007 - clomid 200 (cd4-8), dexamethrasone (sp?), metformin 1000, hcg, ovulate, BFN

now on another clomid, dexa, hcg, metformin cycle

I was telling L today that if we had probably stuck with Dr. L in 2006 we might have our baby by now. But I know that we werent emotionally ready for that step. I am hoping this cycle is the one but if it is not I am now ready to go back to Dr. L although I will be looking for another doctor in that clinic.

I spent way too much time on the internet surfing blogs and message boards and I kinda feel like an inferior (rookie) infertile since we havent really gone deep into treatments like others out there have. Still, I know my pain is not any less than that of others.

I dont really have much to say since not much is going on. I am on cd 5 and started the clomid yesterday. Other than that I just wait and wait and wait. I want to do more. I want to do more to get pg. I really want to move to the RE since I can get more aggressive treatment there. But I am afraid of what going there means. I am afraid of the treatments that I might need and I am afraid of the cost of these treatments. I am doubtfull that we will conceive without more help like IUI or something. L's soldiers have flat heads and drown because they cant swim.

We have now been trying for 2 years 4 months. Today the universe is highly unfair and everything su.cks. Blah!

Doing Nothing...

Its saturday, we dont have a thing to do so we are passing away the day just bumming at home. I was playing around the internet and have created M&M characters for L and I. hahaha

Again

Sorry You Are Not A Winner

Please Play Again

Peri0d started today full force. Nice little wake up and face the real world message. I have to call my doctor today and see what he wants me to do. So on we move to play this game again.

Negativo

I caved and took a test this morning. Why it even crossed my mind that I would get something different than what I usually get is beyond me. Of course it was negative. I am somewhere between 11 and 13 dpo. Now I just wait this thing out. Blah

Blogiversary

I cannot believe that its been a year since I started this blog. I originally started it looking for others that had adopted and looking for those that had adopted from Mexico. Well things are way different than I thought they would be. I thought that by now I would have a toddler running around. Now our energies are focused on getting pregnant.

I tried to not let that little ray of hope climb into my heart but I failed. I keep looking for signs of pregnancy. I talk myself out of it because I dont want to be sad if this cycle didnt work. I will still be sad if it doesnt but I wont be devastated because at least I ovulated. I keep wanting to take a test but I am not. I will test if I dont have a period by next wednesday. I will go for bloodwork if I dont start by next thursday. In the meantime all I can do is wait.

Wait and dream.

16.9

For the first time in two and a half years I have ovulated!!! They like to see a level above 15 on a medicated cycle and mine was 16.9. We are extremely happy that we are at least seeing some progress. We hope and pray that we caught this eggie but if we didnt, we will start again next month. I dont really know when I ovulated so I have to go for a blood test late next week if I havent started my period.

Just a sit back and wait deal now.

Blood Su.ckers

Ramblings:

Yup I had my blood su.cked today. I should have the results tomorrow but I have a super busy day at work and might not be able to call the doctor's office for them until wed. haha this is the perfect excuse for being in denial and putting off the could be bad news. I am still cramping alot and dont know what in the world is up with that. At first I thought it might be a cyst in my ovary but its not a sharp pain and its not in one particular place just all around. My whole pelvic area, front and back, is painful. The nagging hope that creeps itself into my heart and brain think that it might be a positive sign. Ahhh the agony of waiting.

L is out of town again this week so I have spend my time by actually doing homework. I got tuesdays assignment done but not thursday. My staff hates when L is out of town because I dont sleep well so I wake up early and I am at work early so I catch alot of people coming in late. And yes 7:05 is late when you are supposed to clock in at 7. And if you do happen to come in at 7:05 make sure that you at least leave at 3:05 lol. Yes I am anal about getting to work on time and staying at work your whole shift. Other than that I think I am a lenient boss and try to work with my staff as much as possible so everyone is happy. The worst part is discipline. I really dont like this part of my job but sometimes its necessary. I do love my job though.

Question: We have been in our new house for a while now and the room that will hopefully one day be the nursery is the only one not set up. In our old house we had the nursey set up because we thought we are adopting and wanted to be prepared. In this house everything is just sitting there in pieces and not organized. So my question is do I set up this room as the nursery now, leave it as is with the door closed until something happens, turn it into a guest room/work room? What do you think?

Enough of my ramblings for now. Adios

Faith

I have been wanting to write my post about faith for a while now. Part of me has put it off because I just dont know where I stand.

I am catholic. I was raised as a nonpracticing catholic though I did all the sacraments. I am also mexican. Catholisism is big in Mexico and so is superstition and lots, lots of saints. So I didnt grow up going to church but L did so when we started dating I figured it was something we should do together because I wanted our children to be raised going to church. I believe in God and I believe in the saints. The thing is that sometimes I get angry with God. I cannot understand the 'why is this happening to me?'. I still pray but sometimes only because I dont want to risk not to. Sort of like kids are unsure of doubting Santa because then they wont get presents. I dont know what to think. Sometimes I feel like my faith is slipping away.

Sometimes I think that God is punishing me for something that I did in the past. But part of me refuses to believe that the God I believe in will hand out this precious gifts to those who do not love or appreciate them.

I am lucky in the fact that my husband has faith. He is unmovable in his faith and sometimes has to carry the faith for both of us.

On another note, I am thinking about sponsoring a child through Children International. Has anyone worked with them before? Please tell me what you think. I emailed a couple of questions to them and I am awaiting the answers before I sign up.

Another note on Hope, tomorrow is my cd21 progestrone bloodwork to see if I ovulated. I am praying that I did. I have been having cramping and even though I try not to hope is creeping into my heart that many there is a baby growing in there. I keep squeezing my boobs to see if they are sore lol So far they arent but then again I have never in my life had sore boobs. lol

If you have made it this far thanks for reading. I know there are a couple people who, probably accidently, click on my blog so leave us a message.

75%

Thats my percent chance of ovulating this month, according to my doctor. I went in for my ultrasound today and it showed a 'nice' or 'decent' (depending on who you ask) size follicle on my left ovary. So I am happy that at least there is some progress. Last go round we didnt get 'nice' we got nothing. I also got the HSG shot and I am praying that it works. I go back for labwork next monday to check for ovulation.

Drop eggie drop!!! lol

A four letter word

Hope. Theres that little four letter word that can hurt so much. I know that if I dont show any progress with the clomid and metformin this cycle that I am going to be terribly disappointed. Much more than any other times. I try to talk myself out of this, but I cant. The funny thing is that I am not even thinking past just maturing some eggs and releasing them. This cycle will be successful if my eggs are bigger than 11mm or if my cd21 progestrone is over 0.8 because I have yet to get past these points.

I know I have talked about moving past the clomid which I truly want to do. It might take longer than planned though. I was originally thinking this would be our last clomid cycle but I found out that my work might be adding infertility coverage to our insurance so I am going to hold out until July/August before moving to the RE again.

Next up a five letter word, Faith....

What Not To Watch...

If you have had a hard time getting pregnant or are infertile, dont go see "Knocked Up". The movie itself was kinda funny but only if you are not the person in the audience that has been trying for over 2 yrs. I thought it would be a good movie to go see so we went yesterday. I probably shouldnt have even though it made me laugh it also made me sad and angry. Even though it made me sad I didnt let it ruin the rest of my day by being gloomy so for that I am proud of myself.


Edited to Add: I feel better knowing I am not the only one that tortures herself. Check out what At This Point... has to say about this movie.

I shouldnt have

So L came back from his trip yesterday and I went to pick him up at the airport. I had some time to kill so I stop at JoAnns Fabrics and looked around. When I left there I was still early so I stopped at another store, Babies R Us. I really shouldnt have. Its like going to a candy store when you cant eat sugar. When I go to this store I see everything I dont have yet I couldnt help it since I passed right by it. I ended up buying this monkey rattle for the munchkin. Another item to be added to the pile that might or might not one day be used by our baby.

Please stop by and send some encouragement and prayers to my friend at The Waiting Womb!!!

Craziness

Nothing but craziness over here. L is out of town on business which means sleepless nights for me. I dont know what happened to me. I used to live alone in college and after college. Now I guess I am so used to my husband that I cant sleep when he is not here.

Today something funny happened. My sister-in-law lives down the street so I went over there for dinner. I had some watermelon here so I invited her and my mother-in-law to take a walk back with me and eat some watermelon. So we come in and a wasp looking thing makes it in the house. I am TERRIFIED of bees, wasps, anybody from that family so we had to get it out or I wouldnt be able to sleep. The stupid thing made it to the upstairs window. I, of course, am hiding in the bathroom while they try to figure out how to get it out. Their idea was to throw bean bags at it lol. That didnt work. So can you see three women screaming and running after every bean bag lol. Finally we called her husband who came over and caught the horsefly. lol

Always a new adventure in this house.

Our Garden

L and I worked on out gardens last week. This is a day view:

and a night view:

Its kinda cool to sit out there and listen to the fountain. Very soothing.

Back again?

I'm back again, for how long I do not know. Today is cd 1 after a 60some day cycle. The last couple of weeks have been good and bad. My parents came down to visit and that was nice. Mother's Day happened and that wasnt so nice. I really didnt think I would take it so hard but I did. So that sunday and even that monday were hard. Harder than I expected them to be. Slowly I am getting back to a good place.

I want this cycle to be positive. Any kind of positive will be good. Even just forming some eggs with the clomid would be nice. Releasing such eggs would be nicer. Having a positive pg test would be the nicest.

I am think that this will be our last clomid cycle if none of the above positives happen. I have been hanging on to this treatment because its the cheapest but I think it might be time to move on.

I'm Back!!

I'm back. I have been away from my blog for various reasons. I have been sick, busy with work, busy with finals, and just dont have much to chat about.

On the sickness front, I have come down with bronchitis which just sucks. There are really no other words to descrie it. So 100 bucks later I had a doctors visit, steroid shot, breathing treatment, and 3 prescriptions. I think I am over the worst of it and just have to wait out the rest. (knock on wood)

Work has also been busy. I was on a business trip for a few days and then had to catch up. Work is work. 'nough said.

School is finishing up for the semester. As a matter of fact I should be working on my final projects as I type this. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

On the baby front, there really isnt much going on. I went for my follow-up after surgery appointment. All clear on that. My obgyn gave me the option of 3 more rounds of clomid or going to the fertility clinic. Since I have been on the metformin for 1.5 months now, we hope that the clomid might be more effective this time. If anyone has any experience or advice on this I would really appreciate it.

I will try to get some pics of my new house up soon.

Why?

Why? Why? Why? That what I asked myself, God, and the world today when I read this article. There are tons of women, me included, that would love to be pregnant and have a baby. Why is it that babies are handed out to people that dont want them? and when they are handed to those who dont want them why cant those people be kind enough, mature enough to hand that baby to someone who really does want it?

Blah!!!

The Aftermath...

I am now at home resting from a horrendous surgery experience. The surgery itself and most of the recovery actually went pretty well. I remember a floating feeling and then I woke up in recovery. While in recovery they told me I could leave as soon as I went to the potty. Well time passed and more time passed and I still couldnt go. They did an in and out cathether to get the urine out and suprisingly let me go home at aroun 6:00pm (my procedure was for noon). I was really suprised to be sent home because I had been told that if I didnt pee I would be admitted, but I guess the outpatient department was ready to go home and so they send me home. That was a mistake. I ended up back in the ER at about 8:00pm because I couldnt pee and was in the most excruciating pain I have ever been in my life. It sucked. I couldnt sit, I couldnt move...you get the picture. They put a cathether in and took out some blood from my bladder which freaked us out a bit. I finally ended up coming home with the cathether at around 11:00pm with instructions to call my doctor in the morning. This morning my doctor gave me instructions on how to take the cathether out (which was kinda interesting) and an appointment to see him. I got to the doctors office and I was either going to be able to pee or another cathether would go in. It was kinda funny because there were 2 nurses, L and my mom waiting outside the bathroom to see if I had peed. I managed a little stream which was progress and from then on all has been fine. I do feel like I did 1000 crunches and someone punched me in the stomach. I am on percoset for pain, an antibiodic, and a medicine to make my bladder spams.

Now to the good part. The good part is that the doctor said it all looked good. My tubes were open, my ovaries had some tiny cysts in them which is to be expected with PCOS, and I had a tiny bit of endometriosis that the doctor lasered off. The doctor was very optimistic about it and says that there is no reason we cant get pregnant once I start ovulating.

So for now I am bumming around the house just sleeping and playing on the net. L left for a business trip a little while ago but my mom came to stay with me for the week.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week.

I'm Back

We are finally settling in our new house. The internet is up and running and so is the satellite. This is life lol I am on spring break this week so that is awesome.

Tomorrow I am having my laparoscopy. Wish me luck.

Home Sweet Home

We are finally getting settled into our new house. I am always suprised at the amount of stuff that we have. I absolutely love the new house. We still have alot of unpacking and decorating to do but slowly it is coming together. This week is a short but busy week at work. I have staff meeting, Easter celebrations, and a doctors appointment. Then on friday (which I have off) we will be driving to Houston to have Easter with my siblings. It is rare that the four of us get together so it should be fun.

I will become a better blogger once I have my internet up and running.

3 years ago today...

Three years ago today I married the most amazing man in the world. He is truly my best friend. L and I had a great wedding surrounded by many friends and family. Our marriage is a good marriage. I love my husband. He is my world and I would be lost without him. We love, we argue, we laugh, we cry but above all we respect each other and our differences. We've had a tough year this year but our sorrows have only made our bond stronger.

My only wish this upcoming year together is to have a baby. A baby that we can share this huge love with. A baby that would take us from a family of two to a family of three. But at the same time I have come to realize over the past year that if we are not blessed with children, we will be ok. We will build a happy life just the two of us, a different life but a good life.

So I do believe in fairy tales and fairy tale marriages, the ones in real life just have some bumps along the way . I am blessed that my marriage is one so filled with happiness. I will always thank God that L became a part of my life and I became a part of his.

Love You, Babe!!!!

Prayers

Please say some prayers for my niece Laura who is in the hospital with pneumonia.

We love you wiggleworm!!

Checking In

Yes I am a bad blogger. I have tons of excuses but I'll save them for another day. We are still living with my SIL which is why I dont get on the computer that often. We are closing on our house on March 29, keep your fingers crossed that they dont push us back. The house is coming along beautifully and I cant wait to get in it.

My laprascopy is scheduled in April. I am kinda freaked out about this because I have never been in a hospital or had surgery or ever been under anesthesia. Everyone I talk to says its no big deal. I did schedule during spring break since I have the week off and dont have to take anymore time off work. So while we wait for my surgery, I am on 1000mg of metformin (read about it here). My body is slowing getting used to it but it has not been a smooth process. All I can say is that this better lead to something good. lol

Other than the above work and school keep me pretty busy.

A Winding Course

So I talked to my doctor today after last weeks negative ovulation results. He's a nice good doctor and I have faith in the course he wants us to take. I like him because he is a no nonsense kinda doctor and doesnt beat around the bush. He suggested getting a laparoscopy done to take an internal look and see if anything is going on in there. I am also to go on glucophage to help with the PCOS stuff. Tomorrow I go for some baseline bloodwork so I can start the glucophage. We will then reevaluate my situation in a few months at which point if I still havent ovulated on my own I will be refered to the RE. I am comfortable with this plan and can only hope and pray that it works.

On some lighter note, I will try and post some DC and house pictures soon.

Greeting from Washington, DC

Greeting from Washington, DC!!! I am attending a conference for most of this week up here. I was suprised to see snow on the ground while the plane landed and more suprised that it is still hanging around. Everyone says how warm it has gotten this week. Its a whopping 40 degrees. Thats not warm for us southeners lol. I will return home tomorrow after which I will have limited access to the internet because we are homeless lol Our new house is moving along rapidly and we hope to get in there in about 3 weeks.

On the baby making front, this was yet another negative cycle for me. Even with the hcg shot I was not able to ovulate. I had the nurse call L because I really didnt want to hear it from her. My doctor is out of town until monday and which point he will call me to discuss the results but we are expecting a referal to the RE. We will not be using our previous RE as I did not like his bedside manner very much. We have decided that we will wait until we are settled in our new home and take off all that stress to start any kind of fertility treatment although I think I might schedule an appointment to talk about our options. We shall see.

Happy V-Day

Happy Valentines Day!!!!

We had a pretty good valentines this year. We went to dinner and it was yummy. Then came home and tried to finish up our packing and moving. Romantic huh? lol

Hope everyone had a great day!!!

Hope?

My appointment went okay today. There is a little sign of life in my ovaries but not much. We decided to go ahead with the HCG shot even though the follicles werent near perfect size. Hopefully at least I will ovulate. I have bloodwork scheduled for next monday.

So now I am asking for prayers. Prayers that this cycle gives us our miracle, prayers that this cycle brings my ovaries back to life...Prayers to deal with whatever the results are.

Bad Blogger

****THIS IS MY 100TH POST! EXCITING!!!****

I have been a bad blogger. I really dont have any excuses other than the usual too much work, too much school, and too much to do. We have been moving our stuff to storage as we are scheduled to sign on the sale of our house on friday. We are going to a hotel for a few weeks until our new house is ready. Hopefully only a month tops.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see how the clomid worked. I was thinking that it probably didnt work since I took 150mg and wasnt feeling any side effects or anything. That is until yesterday when I started cramping and twiches and then today I have the dreaded headache. I am not getting my hopes up that it worked. We shall see.

We have some dinner plans for Valentine's Day that I am excited about. I have wanted to go to this particular restaurant for a while now and we have finally gotten reservations.

I will update tomorrow after my appointment at @ 2:15pm.

2 years ago today...

Two years ago we started trying for a baby. Never, never did it cross my mind that it would take this long.

Sold

Our house sold!!!Yay!!! Our house sold over the weekend so we have been busy trying to find a place to live since our new house wont be ready for at least 6 weeks. We will be homeless starting in mid Feb. So between the packing, moving stuff to storage, changing address on a gagillion things and making sure we are not homeless, keeping up with our new house and of course work and school things are extremely busy around here.

On the baby making front, I started my cycle today so I will be taking Clomid and Dexasomething soon. I will also have an ultrasound on day 14 to see if and how the clomid worked. This will be my last cycle with my current obgyn so either I am pregnant at the end of this month or making an appointment with the specialist. I am thinking if this cycle is a bust we will wait until we are settled in the new house before going to the specialist. We'll see how it turns out.

Have a great one everyone!

One of The Big Debate

Disclaimer: This is my opinion in my blog. You are free to disagree but only in a nice way.

So I go attend night classes to obtain my MBA. This semester I have a marketing class. The professor is good and really gets the class involved. In todays lecture something was said that most didnt pay attention but I did. We were talking about changing demographics and one of the points was that 'more kids are getting raised by others'. ???. Does that mean what I think it means? Yup the ever debatable issue of working mommies. My sister and I have this discussion all the time. I think its a decision that every family must make looking at whats best for them.

I dont think that sending your baby to daycare means that you are letting someone else raise your kids. I think there are some great working mommies out there as well as some great stay at home mommies.

I will more than likely be a working mommy. Munchkin will go to the child care place at my employers central office. It is top notch as I work for a federally funded early childhood education organization lol. I am completely comfortable with their care. I really like my job and would like to be able to continue at it. Now this might change when we acutaly have a child but this is our opinion at the moment.

If anybody wants to chime in on this great debate, in a respectable way, feel free

Can you see it?

I have a pretty long commute to work every morning, about 45 minutes each way. The good thing about it is that its back country roads so not too much traffic. Along the way I see cows and lots of green pasture. Sometimes even some deer. This morning I turn the corner and this is what I see. (Yes I stopped in the middle of the road to take a picture, there was no traffic) Can you see it?

Its A RAINBOW!!!

P.S. I carry my digital camera in my purse just in case I see something cool. hehehe

Just for Fun

This is me:

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Just for the record, this thing does tell the truth about my moods. Hehehe

This is L:

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Just Chilling

Hey everybody, this is L, Sandra and I are just chilling out and enjoying some down time. The new house is coming along. The second floor is framed and they are getting ready to start on the roof trusses.

Take it easy!

L

Weird

Frances over at Unyielding tagged me. I am supposed to write 6 things that are weird about me. Thanks Frances for my first tag! :)

• I am anal about my socks. All my socks are ankle socks and the lines have to fit perfectly over my toes otherwise it drives me nuts
• I am claustrophobic and cant stand being enclosed. This is one of the reasons I have an open door policy at work lol
• Along with the above is that I dont like big crowds very much. This probably comes from not liking to be touched by strangers lol
• I have a fixation with monkeys. I just love them. My guest bathroom is monkey. I have monkey socks, slippers, blankets, almost anything you can think of.
• My toes look like Vienna Sausages. Long and skinny. Very weird
• I could only think of five and even those arent very good lol
• Edited to Add: I thought of another one: I do not like edges of food. For example, I only eat the brownies in the middle of the pan, rarely eat the crust of pizza :)

I am supposed to tag five people. So you gals are it:

• Lisa at In Due Time
• Jody at Just Keep Swimming
• Larissa at The Waiting Womb

Okay I could only think of three lol.

What she said...

Ditto to what Frances says in this post:

http://unyielding.blogspot.com/2007/01/yah-what-she-said.html

House

Here are some pictures of our new house. They are working on the first floor now.

I am freaking out a little because in order to buy the new house we have to sell our current house. Please send us some prayers to help sell our house. Thanks

A Rant

Why cant life be simple? Why are there always decisions to make? Arghhh. I feel like a very selfish person right now. One on hand a want a baby, any which way I can get it. On the other hand I want to be pregnant. I want to feel life grow inside of me. I know in my heart I will love my child the same no matter how it comes to our lives. I dont know what I want.

Over the past few weeks, we have heard some news that have dimmed our hopes on an adoption from Mexico. I knew from the beginning that adopting from there was hard but now I am thinking its almost impossible. It hurts my heart from having to walk away from it but I am starting to understand that my hope there is fruitless. We have not walked away completly. At this moment we have decided to stay on the list and keep hoping until our US paperwork expires. If there is no adoption by then we will very sadly walk away.

We have also decided to seek fertility treatments. I have one more round with my Ob/Gyn and if that doesnt work then we are going to an RE. The selfish part is that I am willing to do whatever it takes for this to work. I never thought I would get to this point but I have. L and I have decided that we will have a health/fertility loan if there gets a time we need it. Our insurance doesnt cover fertility so its all on us.

I finish my rant by saying that life is rather hectic and busy besides this baby business. Work is busy, I start school next week (only 2 classes left after this semester), and I am still going to the gym.

Oh yeah if anyone knows any good books about infertility and such please let me know.

Feel free to leave a message and make me feel special.

Exercise?

I joined the gym a couple days ago and today was the first day I got to go. Hmm...right now about all I can move are my fingers lol its is so depressing but I hope my motivation continues. I am just not happy with the way I look and want to lose 15-20lbs. I am excited to finally get to this. I also hope it helps baby wise. Thats what I think about while panting on the treadmill hahaha :)

Ok gotta go try to move my muscles lol

New Year

A new year, a new beginning. Here are some of my favorite quotes (the ones in blue are my favorite for this year).

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break.
-- Thomas Fuller

Don't lose hope. When it gets darkest the stars come out.
-- Unknown

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.
-- Pope John XXIII

Everything that is done in the world is done by hope.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr

Dreams do not vanish, so long as people do not abandon them.
-- Unknown

Por muy larga que sea la tormenta, el sol siempre vuelve a brillar entre las nubes.
-- Khalil Gibran

El que la sigue la consigue.
-- Refrán

Nunca desistas de un sueño. Sólo trata de ver las señales que te lleven a él.
-- Paulo Coelho

La huella de un sueño no es menos real que la de una pisada.
-- George Duby

LUCKY '07!!!!

A look back and a look ahead...

As we are getting ready to step into 2007, I want to look back at 2006. There are many many things that happened this year in our lives. We started off the year on a bad foot with bad news at the RE at that point we decided not to pursue fertility treatments. We started paperwork for adoption from Mexico, thinking for a baby by Christmas, unfortunately the process was/is slower than we ever imagined it would be. So the worst thing this year is that there was no baby for us in 2006.

After all this I must say 2006 also had lots of positives. L and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary. Throughtout this whole process of becoming a family of more than two, our relationship has grown stronger. I am forever grateful to have L in my life. I also changed jobs. I love what I do now and hope to grow better at it in the coming year. My sister-in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that is a spoiled rotten and a huge part of our lives.

Here's are our dreams for 2007:

• becoming a family of more than 2 (I keep saying more than 2 just in case God gives us more than one baby this year)
• celebrating our 3rd anniversary
• big celebration for L's 30th birthday
• moving into our new home

I hope and pray that all your dreams come true!!! Lucky '07!!!

Tourists

L and I decided to spend the day as tourists. So into the city we went. We went to the aquarium and the IMAX and the World War II museum. We had an awesome time and made some new friends.


You cant be a tourist in New Orleans without buying beads so here are mine. These are cool Texas A&M beads.
Overall it was a great relaxing day!!!

Relaxing Time

Larry, from now on to be called L, and I are both home this week. I am on holiday break and L took the week off. We are enjoying our time off together relaxing and hanging out. We spend this morning sleeping then the afternoon playing with Laura. I am so super glad and grateful that my sister in law lets us be a huge part of Laura's life. We spoil her rotten :-D. This evening we all took her out to Christmas in the Oaks. Its a hugh display of lights at one of the parks in the city. We go every year. Tonight it was super cold so this is me in my winter gear and photo backpack and hot chocolate.
This is L and me in front of the ponseita (?) tree.
Since some of you might want to know how cold it was I will tell you. It was a freezing 50 degrees lol I know for some of you reading in the north thats long sleeve shirt weather but for us southeners its a pull out your jackets and hats that are worn only a couple times a year lol

Christmas Traditions

We had a great Christmas Day today! We opened our Santa gifts bright and early as we were going to Larry's family later that morning. I must have been really good this year because I got some cool stuff. I got a couple lenses for my camera as well as a new backpack for my camera. Its super cool. In our house we also get to open one gift on Christmas Eve, its a tradition that Larry's mom did when he was a kid so we continue it at our house. The gift is always pj's. So that when you wake up on Christmas morning you have nice pjs in the pictures. These are our pjs this year. I got polar bears and Larry got superman.


This is one of my favorite gifts. Its a snowglobe with a mama and baby monkey. It is so super cool and I absolutely love it!!! Thanks Granny!!!!

An Epiphany

Its the eve of christmas eve today. Christmas is my favorite time of year, I love it. This year has been a little harder. I really thought that this year we would be celebrating with a baby. So as the Christmas cards come in from all of our friends and family, its hard to see their beautiful babies. My heart just aches thinking that that may never be us. So I was getting a little depressed and didnt like it. I am making an effort to be cheerful this holiday season and enjoy it to the fullest. Its not that my heart doesnt ache, its just that while before I tried to ignore it now I am learning to live despite the ache. I think I am doing pretty good.

So I had an epiphany. I had it a couple days ago but have been mulling it over. I have been moping and sad because I had hoped that we would be celebrating Christmas as a family. Obviously we dont have a baby so I kept thinking I was getting the shaft but in reality I am celebrating Christmas as a family. I have come to realize that Larry and I are a family. We are a family of two. We will continue to pray, hope and wish that soon we will be a family of at least three but we will also live our lives very happily as a family of two.

We have also decided that because of the instability and disorganization of the adoption process in Mexico, in 2007 we will be saving our money for infertility treatments. We will continue to monitor our case in Mexico but I am really seeing a long long long wait for that. We have a long way to save but we work hard and we will see what happens.

So in the spirit of Christmas I spend the afternoon in the kitchen coming up with these. I must say they are yuuuummmy!!! (Can you see where I tasted one of each?!)

Almond Chocolate Cookies

Banana Oatmeal Cookies Chocolate Strawberry Thumbprint Cookies

Merry Christmas!!!

Yet another negative

Yep another negative ovulation blood test. It sucks. I really dont understand why my body is not working. The adoption wait is also not going very well. If anyone know anything about the Mexican government is that its extremely complicated. You basically have to know someone somewhere to get anything done. I thought we had that but at this point I am not really sure.

I am trying not to get too sad and depressed over this especially this close to Christmas but it is becoming really hard. I really thought we would have a baby by this point. If I could just know what is in the future for us I could make my peace with it but I guess that would make life too simple.

For now I will cry for a while and then live my life with my wonderful husband and keep hoping. It is also getting harder and harder for me to have faith and to keep praying.

Merry Christmas!

Snow!!!!!!!

We saw snow!!! Okay more like a couple snow flakes but in El Paso thats a big deal. Its super cold here and I am hoping for a few more snowflakes.

Going Away

No not away from the blog but away for the weekend. We are going to go see my parents in Texas. I am so very very excited. We get to go to my favorite restaurants and see my old hangouts lol. I am taking an extra suitcase to bring back some goodies.

Adios!!!!

A new friend

This is our new friend. He hangs out and looks pretty in our front yard. His nose lights up, its cool!

From our home to yours!!!!!!!

Christmas Tree

We put up our Christmas tree a couple of days ago. I make sure to turn on the lights every night to enjoy it.

It is actually cold in Louisiana today so we turned on a fire. We get to use our first place maybe 2 or 3 times a year. As I type, I am sitting on the couch, watching tv with the fire going. Great way to spend the evening.

"It's beginning to look a lot like ChristmasEv'rywhere you go; Take a look in the five-and-ten, glistening once again With candy canes and silver lanes aglow...."

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas!!!!

One of our Christmas traditions is to pick out a new ornament that represents something especial to us for the year. Last year we did a new home one and so on. This year we chose this one. It is hilarious, we love it. First of all we are geeks. As I type we are laying in bed watching tv and playing on our laptops. We have been known to play games online against each other while sitting on the couch lol. Secondly the two characters on the screen sing and are absolutely hilarious. We turned heads at Hallmark because we were laughing to hard. If you are in Hallmark check it out.

This one we got for the munchkin. Its a very cute winnie the pooh.
These are my new monkey christmas pj pants. They are super comfy and I love them.
Our Thanksgiving was pretty good. We spend it with Larry's family. We had tons and tons of food. We had a good time. I did have a rough moment because there were a couple of babies there and my heart ached for a baby of my own. Luckly for me, my husband is pretty smart and figured out my moment of sadness. He held me while I cried for a little bit and then we went on with our day. Just for the record, they are two of the cutest baby girls ever. It wasnt jealousy or a 'why them?' moment. It was more of a 'why not me too?' moment. Anyway I got over it.

I had a great week off and look forward to putting up our tree this weekend!!

Oh yeah by the way GIG 'EM AGGIES!!!!!!!! SAW 'EM OFF!!!!

AGGIES 12

TEXAS 07

Special Gift

Aunt Linda gave us this very special Santa. First of all, he is Mexican. Aunt Linda bought it in Tijuana, Mexico many years ago. Secondly, its about 30 some odd years old. He has been very well taken care of at Aunt Linda & Uncle Mike's house, now he has a very special place in our home. It was passed down to us and we will make sure to take good care of him. We know he comes with alot of love.

Thanks Aunt Linda!!!!

Happy Turkey Day!!!

Vacation

Ah...sweet vacation. I am on vacation this week and enjoying every minute of it. So far I have had lunch with some people from my old job, been shopping, had my hair cut, slept, and watched movies. At this moment I am watching Pride & Prejudice for the second time. Tomorrow my sister-in-law and I are taking the baby to see Santa. Exciting stuff!

I am also waiting for the realtor to come and see about our house. We are probably going to put it on the market this week. Wish us luck. There is not much progress on our new house yet but I am sure they will be moving quickly on it soon.

On the other hand, I am a little sad on the baby department. I had hoped that we would be celebrating Christmas as a family of 3. Oh well, I am sure Larry and I will enjoy what will hopefully be our last Christmas just the two of us.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Good Mail Day

This was in our mailbox the other day. We are now approved by the United States of America to adopt a foreign born child. It only took us 6 months to get it lol Now we just need to find the kiddo. At least we are moving forward, slowly but surely

Negative

As I thought, the test was negative. It really wasnt a big suprise. Now I started provera to induce a cycle then I call back when that happens.

A Song for Munchkin

This is a song from us to munchkin (Its from Aladdin):

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess (or prince) , now when did
you last let your heart decide

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways, and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I’m in a whole new world
With you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you.

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath- it gets better
I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red letter

I'll chase them anywhere, there's time to spare, let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Ver 2
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment gets better

To Tes or Not To Test

Yup that is the question. If you look at the ladder above it shows that I am on day 57+ of my cycle. The last two cycles have been 42 days or so long each and we were hoping that I was getting more regular. I dont think I am pregnant as I feel fine and have no signs of sickness or tiredness. Yet that tiny ray of excitement is creeping up. So I can keep my ray and live in denial or I can just go ahead and take the test to make sure its negative and call the doctor. I've been putting it off but I guess I better deal with it. We will probably go to the store tomorrow to get a test then get the guts up to try it. Even though I expect it to be negative, my heart still aches when I actually know for sure it is.

Anyway I will probably call the doctor sometime next week. He will give me something to start my cycle then I will do Clomid and some other medicine and see how that goes.

Pity Party

I am throwing a pity party for myself today. I am lonely. Larry is gone yet again. This will be the 3rd week in a 4 week period. Before that it was another few weeks. I hate coming home to an empty house. I hate sleeping in an empty bed. Basically I just hate being alone at night. It doesnt help that I am afraid of the dark. It also doesnt seem to help that there is no end in sight.

I love my husband more than anything and maybe that is what makes it harder. My dad was always working and when Larry and I were talking marriage this is one of the things that I was very firm on. I was not going to get married just to be alone and yet this is what seems to be happening. We have talked circles around this issue and there is not much we can do. It is part of his job and I just have to learn to live with it. He doesnt like it any more than I do. He hates being away but what are we to do. It wasnt supposed to be part of his job. He left a job that had him traveling more and took a pay cut yet it seems that it didnt make a difference.

Also sometimes I think that maybe this is why God hasnt given us a child. Maybe its because this isnt the life that we would want for that child. We want the life were daddy is home to play and be soccer coach, not the life where we wait for his plane to come in.

Just needed to vent

Almost ready to start

As previously posted, we are building a new house. This is where it will sit.

I love this picture. Its really cool. This is the stake that marks our property line.

The neighborhood we are moving into is very family friendly. There are alot of kids and the neighborhood is safe. The house is also kid friendly and very spacious for all those things that babies bring with them.

Now all we need is a baby or a couple babies. Hopefully we wont have a big empty house for too long. I really really hope its not too much longer.

Want what you dont have?

Do people always want what they dont have? I think so at least some people do. It is insane the amount of times I have heard "just enjoy your life without children". Does this mean that when you have children your life sucks? I dont know since I dont have one. But it makes me mad that this same words are spoken by someone who is holding their little one in their arms or just finished telling me about some great thing their kid did.

Yes I am only 25 years old, but I have done what I want to do without a baby and now I am ready for a new stage of my life. Some people are not ready for this stage until they are 30 or 33 or 22 or 23, the fact is that I am. I am ready to be a family of more than two, I am ready to have my life revolve around the life of my baby. So dont tell me 'just relax' or 'maybe its fate' or any of that bull because I just dont want to hear it. As a matter of fact I dont really want to talk about it with anyone at this point. I just want my baby