Christmas Eve Morning

Another Christmas has come and we are still without a baby. This is our 3rd Christmas trying. I hoped and prayed that this would be our year but that didnt work out for us.

And although we do not have a child, I am grateful for what I do have. We are a family. We are a strong family of two and we will continue doing whatever necessary to accept our future. We hope that this future includes a growing family but if it does not then we will be happy in the joy and strength of our family of two.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Here's a shot of our Christmas tree, pre-presents:

Maybe next year?

Trying in 2007 has come to an end for us. Today started cycle day 1. I really think we missed ovulation. I always have a 14 day luteal phase. We did the IUI on thursday when I really think I ovulated on wed. (based on ovulation pains and since period started today).

We are skipping this next month because 1)I really dont want to be doing shots and appts during the holidays and 2)We have plans to go visit my parents in Te.xas.

So now I am going to go on and enjoy my holidays. Tomorrow is my last day of work and then I have a much needed two week vacation. Yay!

Spotting

I started spotting so the bleeding will probably come full flow tomorrow.

Blah!

11dpIUI#2

I am at 11dpIUI#2 and got a stark white pg stick staring back at me this morning. I know that its still early but the cramping over the weekend was pretty bad. So although I am not giving up all hope right now I am slowly accepting that thursday will come with cycle day 1.

For now I am going to enjoy the holidays. I promised Larry that I would not be depressed and sad during Christmas time and I refuse to break that promise.

Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

This year I have been really really good. The inlaws (mil, sil, bil, and 22 mo old niece) have lived here the last 6 months and I have yet to kill anyone. I have also gone to work more days than not. I have been nice to my brothers and sister. So with that said, this year I would really love a positive pregnancy test. Really just that one thing.

But just in case I dont get the positive test, here is what I would like to see under the tree:
-mammoth crocs, chocolate, size 8
-camera bag
-some books
-some new clothes
-season one of With.out A T.race
-a watch

Anyway, Santa please remember that the positive pregnancy test is all I really really want this year.

Oh and the positive test can be a joined gift for L and me since he has been good this year too.

If it will help my cause I will leave you some really good treats on Christmas Eve.

Thanks Santa! Keep up the hard work!

Love,
Sandra

P.S. Just as a reminder, I really really would like that positive test!

IUI #2 - Done

We had our IUI this morning. Everything went fine other than the doc had a little bit of trouble with the cervic but nothing too bad. The IUI itself did hurt a lot more than last time. We also had some pretty good counts on L's side.

43.7 million
84% motility
grade 3

This is the first time he has ever had a grade this high. The first analysis 2 yrs ago showed a 2. The IUI last month showed a 2.5 and now its at 3. We are excited about the improvement there.

So now its on to the very long wait of the next two weeks.

Which reindeer are you?

L is out of town and I am bored. So here you are:

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

IUI #2 & Rudeness

We are a go for IUI #2 on thursday. There wasnt much action in my ovaries this cycle which I am kinda bummed about. I have an 18 and a 15 on the left and nothing on the right. I think the right ovary missed the wake up call because it produced nothing. Also L is out on a business trip and should come back tomorrow night. Let s a pray for on time departures/arrivals tomorrow lol

On a non infertility subject. Heres a conversation I overheard today:

Cashier: (After seeing name on credit card) You're Chinese?!
Lady: Yea
Cashier: Really?! Are you mixed?!

Now why in the world would you say something like that to somebody.

I guess this is a sore subject for me because people are always asking me about my ethnicity. I speak both english and spanish with no accents and that always seems to throw people off. Heres a sample conversation:

Person: Where did you learn to speak spanish?
Me: Spanish is my first language
Person: Really?!
Me: Yes. I am Mexican
Person: Mexican?
Me: Yes. Mexican. Both my parents are Mexican so that makes me a Mexican born in the US.
Person: Where did you get the red hair?

This is were I either go on a talk about my genetic tree or end the conversation with a sarcastic remark (the latter happens more often)

So there is my rant for the week

Sluggish?

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday and I wasnt very pleased with what we have. There was very little growth. Basically they are still too small to worth remembering. I was kinda upset about this but when the nurse called me back she said my doctor wasnt worried because my estrogen went up nicely. I was kept on the same dose and go back on monday. And of course this next week is probably when the IUI needs to happen and it also happens to be an extremely busy work week for both of us. We shall see.

So today we spend the day with the Wiggle (our niece). We went shopping at To.ys R. Us and the mall and then we went to Chu.ck E Chee.se, it was crazy. She was really good and other than peeing through the diapers and the pants we had a good day. Tomorrow we are taking her to the park. The funny thing about all this is since we dont have children we arent used to going out and about with one. We had the Wiggle ready heading out the door without a diaperbag or sippy cup or anything. We have alot to learn when hopefully soon the time comes for a child of our own.

All I want for Christmas

is this stu.pid trampoline

and this stupi.d name puzzle

Which my niece is going to love love (especially the trampoline)

I originally ordered in on 11/13 (you know to have it hear with plenty of time). So why have I been on the phone with this stu.pid company the past two days because they keep cancelling my order without informing my. Arghhh

Oh yeah and today for the first time ever I must have hit a vein with my injection because there was blood on the syringe that I didnt notice till the shot was over. So I had to call my doctor to make sure I wasnt going to be dead by morning because I injected Menopur into my vein/vessel. And L is out of town and not here to calm me down. Arghh

Now I am going to fix my dinner and then have a hot chocolate and then this horrible day will be over.

I'm not usually slow

I am not normally a slow person. I eat fast, I read fast, I walk fast but for some reason a cannot stimulate my ovaries fast. I had an ultrasound today after 6 days of menopur and I have nothing. A couple of 7, 8, and 9s. Nothing remarkable. I expected a faster response since I was doing a straight injectable. I got this same result with clomid + 3 days of injectables.

So its 1.5 vials of menopur for the next 3 days and another ultrasound on friday.

The mood swings in this house are extreme. I cant get out of one mood before diving into another one. I refuse to allow this moods to ruin my holidays. I dont believe in fighting them so I give in for a few minutes and then move on. Christmas is my favorite time of year and I will be happy about it.

A non-infertile day

There are days that I just 'forget' that I am infertile, about the medications, about everything. Yesterday was one of those days. We woke up late first of all. Then we decided to go out and about to see what was left of the sales. Not much left but we did get to eat at one of my favorite wings and cheese fries restaurants. Then we decide to get groceries. There was no one at the W store and it was great. Walking thru the store I came up on this:
A giant three foot monkey. Of course I had to bring him home. I love it. Its huge. It made my day.
So then its our tradition to put up our Christmas tree and up it went. Its a little lopsided but I still like it. We have a cool mickey mouse train around it this year.

Here is L and I posing with our tree:
All in all we had a great day.

And I forgot to give myself my shot on time. The nurse told me to do it between 4-6pm. So I have been doing that faithfully. Yesterday I got so caught up watching the Aggies beat the Longhorns (Whoop!!!) that by the time I looked up it was 6:30. Last month I probably would have worried and worried about being half an hour late but yesterday I calmly went upstairs, did the shot and didnt give it a second thought.

On the horse again

I started the injections for our second IUI cycle today. I never thought I would get used to giving myself shots but now L and I have our routine down pat. I feel like I am back to square one. At the beginning of every cycle I worry that I might not respond to the medication, then I worry that I might not ovulate; will the worries never end?

Being that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, heres what I am thankful for:

• My husband. He is the one that holds me up when I have my emotional breakdowns. He is the one that puts up with my moods, my outburst, and my hormones. He is the one that has a positive outlook on things. He is the shoulder I cry on. He is the one that carries the faith for us. He is my cheerleader when it comes time for shots. He makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. I am one lucky woman to have a husband and a best friend like him. Love ya!
• My family. My parents and my siblings. Their silent support is what pillows the falls. Although we dont talk about it much I know they are there if I need to talk. I know they are there if I need to cry. Love you all!
• My In-laws. Right now we are going through a rough patch but they can be counted on to drop everything and come to your aid. I just hope that after this stressfull period end they will still like me even though I am not that nice of a person.
• My job. I have a good job that I enjoy and like going to everyday. It helps that it pays the bills and gives me the time off I need that infertility treatments require.
• My home. Its a nice and beautiful house. Although right now it is experiencing stress and sadness its strenght is in the laughter and happiness that can always be found there. The memories build in this home will go on forever.
• End of School. I am thankful that in 2 weeks I will have completed my MBA. Even though it doesnt make me any smarter I am happy to be achieving this goal.
• My DSLR camera. I love it and is my way of reliving a lot of stress. I hope to be able to dedicate it more time soon.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!

Surprise

No not a good happy surprise. A nasty surprise. I woke up this morning to full blown AF. Luckly I was expecting it and was prepared.

So on to another cycle. I am going to call the REs office when they open today.

I already dislike mondays, blah!

Holding on

Today I am holding on, by a very thin string, to my sanity. I took a HPT this am and of course it was negative. Even expecting it, it still hurt. So now I am just waiting for another cycle to start which should be monday or tuesday. The good thing is that I am off next week and can have my emotional breakdown without having to worry about it happening at work.

Losing Hope?

I am not holding out much more hope for this cycle. I am sitting at work with some period type cramping. And I also feel the beginning of a pimple, which I always get when I am going to start my cycle. I guess I am just not feeling like this was the cycle.

Or maybe I am telling myself this as a defense mechanism? Arghh

Progesterone check

Today I had my progesterone blood draw.

Want to see: 2,000
Mine was: 6,338
(I didnt ask what they measure in).

The doctor was happy with it so I guess I am too. Anyone know what it actually means?

Doc and I talked about next cycle just in case this one doesnt work. We will do an all injectable rather than clomid + inj. She did say she was "hopefull" for this cycle. Does that count for anything?

Blogativism

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am joining the My Story Project

L and I met in 2003 and were married in 2004. I was on bcp and all was dandy. When our first anniversary was approaching we decided that we were ready for a baby. Having children was always something we were going to do. We knew how many we wanted and everyting. Not thinking there would be any problems, we didnt worry. I had always had regular cycles and none of that PMS pain or symptoms everyone hears about. After 6 months of no cycle, we headed to the obgyn #1. Induced cycle, sure that everything would regulate. Two months later on to obgyn #2 who prescribed clomid, no ovulation. We were devasted.

Six months later we were on to RE #1. At this point we were truly unprepared for the cost of treatment so after one failed ovulation induction cycle in Feb 2006. In May 2006 we thought we were on a path to international adoption, unfortunately that didnt work out and we lost $5000. Aug 2006 on to obgyn #3 again prescribed clomid, actually ovulated but no pregnancy. With a diagnosis of PCOS we moved on.

Now we are with RE #2. We have just finished our first cycle of injectibles with IUI. At the obgyn my insurance paid. At this office my insurance does not pay. The added stress of having to figure out payment for these treatments does not help our chances. At one point I said that I would do whatever it took but the reality is that we still need to eat and still need to pay the mortgage.

Just as the results of a cycle are not guaranteed neither are the costs. You might need more days of stims or different drugs. Its a sad day when you have to make cycle choices based on the cost of drugs. If these treatments are successful then the money will have been well spend but if they are not it will be like devastating. Our number of cycles will depend on how we are able to finance it. Although people often say 'the money will come from somewhere', we are the ones responsible for actually finding such money. Remember I didnt choose to have this. This isnt vanity treatment, this is treatment for our dream and our future.

Tarot Card

I am not used to being at home so I am kinda bored and borrowing things from other peoples blogs lol. I borrowed this from here :)

You Are The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets. Your fortune: Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

IUI #1

I'm back at home after the IUI this morning. It went well, I think. I dropped of the stuff this morning at 9am, spend an hour at Barnes.nNobles, picked up L from work, drove to the clinic, had a 1030 appt for the IUI, was done by 11, went to lunch, dropped L off and am now at home doing nothing.

Ls numbers were okay, I think
15.2 million
85% motility
2.5 grade
(this is post wash)

I think the timing was good. I was having some major stabbing pain this morning that has tapered to major aching so hopefully these were ovulation pains. The doc seems to think so.

So now we wait. Two very long weeks.

I want to remain positive but not get my hopes too high.