Happiness Challenge

I did The Happiness Challenge this month. My challenge was to play with my camera/photo stuff at least once a week. I think I did pretty good. I really like photography and want to get better at it. I am going to look for a class and continue my challenge for next month along with The Second Challenge

Here are some products of my month.

Barbecue Sauce at Rudys BBQ - Yummy!

The Swamp - Not really swamp but close enough lol
L walking on the boardwalk
Me practicing my portraits. L is my only willing model
Rabbit trying to hide

Cattlemans Restaurant. Cool View!

Chicos Tacos. YUUUMMMYY!!
Our new front door buddy!


The river front

Even giant ugly bugs have friends lol

I need lots and lots of practice lol :)

No Sh!t

We have figured out the answer to our fertility problems:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20959452/wid/11915773?gt1=10412

If L had a deep voice we would have offspring.

Blah!

Some people study the stup.idest things. Come on people! Concentrate on the cure for cancer, the cure for infertility, something I give a rats a.ss. about.

Stalled

Its kinda like, reving up your car to start a race and then your car dying.

We are now on hold for another month. I have a cyst on my right ovary. Blah. So now I am on birth control for a month. Then another check on the cyst.

I am bummed out. I was ready to start. I was mentally prepared and now that preparedness has disappeared.

I feel like a deflated balloon. :(

And, we're off!

Its been a while since I have been so happy for a cycle to start. I am excited about being more proactive toward our ultimate goal.

Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound appointment.

Better but not great

Those were the words out of the nurses mouth. L's sp.er.m analysis came back higher in motility but still a low number of normal heads. His count is fine. His motility increased from 24% to 46%, they still want it to be above 50%. His normal heads is 13%, they really wanted to be above 30%.

So the doc says that all is well to move forward with IUI.

Tomorrow we leave for El Paso. Yay!!!

The Doc & The Plan

Edited because two sets of ears are better than one and L heard some things differently than I did.

We had a good first consult with our new RE, I will call her Dr. ?? (nickname will come to me later). We got a good feeling after meeting with her. I like her because she took the time to tell us our options and explain the pros and cons of the options. She also gave us hope without promising us the world. I think it was a successful appointment.

The clinic is a nice place. There was no one there but us so its very quiet. Like I told my inlaws, this is not a happy place, nobody wants to be there and everyone wishes they were somewhere else.

The one odd/cool thing was that they took our picture for our file. I guess so they can learn our faces or something. Weird.

So now the plan:
*TSH bloodwork - NORMAL
*Semen Analysis -Schedules for 9/13
*Metformin 1500 mg extended release - CHECK
*Provera to induce cycle - CHECK
*Clomid 100mg + Menopur
*Post Coital Test (this is depending on semen analysis results)
*IUI

If there is not enough response with the clomid + injectables then we will convert the cycle to all injectables.

So then the cost:
*My insurance covers diagnostic appointments so it covered this first appointment. L's insurance should cover his sperm analysis. (L's insurance does not cover his SA)
*We got four vials of menopur so that was nice
*Once my cycle starts -
Cycle Mgmt Fees $795
Medication 100-200
IUI 400
-----------
$1295-1395
*The cost for the post coital test is $72

All in all I am feeling good about our chances. I really really hope it works.

On a funny note: The nurse talked to us first, taking our history and such. She then closes the file, folds her hands, and asks "So what would you like us to help you?".( I really wanted to say "I dont know, how about a car loan?") I actually said "To have a baby". Why else would we be sitting on the other side of the desk lady. This isnt a bank or a car dealership.

*Disclaimer about the cost: I am to the point where I dont really care what it costs. I will take out a loan or use a credit card if I have to. I dont care. My new motto on money is "F*&^ It". We will find money somewhere.
**Double Disclaimer: The above statement can change depending on the number of cycles it takes to conceive or throw in the towel.

Oh yeah if anyone knows the best place to get meds please please let me know. Thanks

ETA: Doc said I must start exercising 30 min 5 days a week!!! Ahhh!!!

Kids Yet?

Yup that stu.pid annoying question again. This time it was to L. I told him to be prepared to answer that question because this particular person always asks it. He should learn to listen to his wife more lol. So the conversation went something like this (I only hear his side);

Person: "Hey you have kids yet?"

L: "No"

Person: "Why not?"

L: "Its not that easy, dude"

Person: "What do you mean its not that easy?" (laughing)

L: "We're having problems!" (aggravated)

Person: "I didnt know that"

Well person now you know. Yes we love kids, we want kids more than anything in this world. This is the first time I have actually heard L admit why we dont have kids yet. Its not something we hide or are ashamed of but its also not something we talk about with just anyone. L has been my rock, putting on a positive face in the light of my negativity. It both hurts and makes me feel better that he would say something like that. It hurts that he even has to say it because he is great daddy material and it makes me feel better because I could tell that he does hurt and is sad over our struggle.

So to sum it all up: WE ARE HAVING PROBLEMS

Busy Weekend

We had a pretty busy interesting weekend. Saturday was "us" day and we spend it at Mi.ch@els , and bowling. Neither of us are very good bowlers but it was fun. Here is one of me with the bright pink bowling ball.
Here is one of my lovely gutter ball!!! lol
Then today we had two parties to go to. One of them was luau theme so here we are.
L and I arent big socializers so these two parties have met our quota for the month! lol Just kidding we enjoyed spending time with our friends and family.

Tomorrow is a day of rest! Then next weekend we have a wedding to attend. Then next monday is our first RE appointment. Then we go see my parents in Texas that weekend. Then we go to Ho.us.ton. at the end of the month. This is all aside from working all week and going to school two nights a week. Jeez now I really do need my day of rest!!!

Cruising

We are just cruising over here. If you glance up you can see that I am on cycle day 38. Yup 38 no sign of AF coming, snow white tests. So this is probably another loooong cycle for me that wont end until I go see the RE and get some meds. Obviously my body is still no cooperating or working as it should. Blah

Our RE consult is on Sept 10.

Question: Financially, how do you do it? I havent had my first appointment and I am already worried about the cost. My insurance wont cover it. Somedays I am ready to suck it up and get a loan and somedays I want to wait and save money for it but sh.it happens and the money doesnt keeping adding up. So how do you do it? How do you finance it and how do you not worry about it?

Change

I changed my blogspot address. I just felt like making a change sorry if it confuses anybody (I think theres one person out there besides me that reads this :) )

Its cycle day 30. No sign of AF anywhere. I dont even know if I ovulated this month. I was going to get bloodwork to check but was never able to make it to the doctors office. What are the chances that I ovulated on my own? Ha probably slim to none. Blah. Should I test? Blah. Havent decided.

This picture both makes me happy and sad. I am happy to have this beautiful child in our lives. I am sad that we only get to borrow this one from time to time and dont have one of our own for keeps. I am sad that I have been unable to give L a little one onto which he can give the love he holds in his heart. I pray that we get a little one for keeps soon. I know one way or another L will be a great daddy one day. I will be proud to raise a child to be just like daddy. L is truly one of a kind.

Break Over?

So technically we are taking a break this cycle. I am switching insurance at work and so my RE appointment had to be postponed until that happens in September. I am tired of waitin. I am ready to take the emotional and financial step of going through treatment.

The other day I was trying to explain to someone why sometimes its so hard to be around others with kids when you cant have any. I tried to explain why sometimes you have to hold yourself away from others, especially babies, so that you can bear the pain in your heart. I tried to explain the necessity for some of us to have a child (whether biological or adopted) to carry a piece of us into the future. But someone who doesnt know the struggle of infertility cannot understand these thing. For them it is so easy to say, 'well just learn to deal with it so you can be happy'. Well, my friends, its just not that easy.

"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"

Lyrics from If You're Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins


"Yo no sé nada de ti
Y siento que en tu vida esta la mia
Yo quiero andar contigo y enseñarte cosas que
ni te imaginas, ni te imaginas"

Lyrics from No Se Nada De Ti by Obie Bermudez

Present

Yes, I am still here. I am not blogging much because I dont have much to say. We are taking a break from medicines other than the metformin. I originally had an appointment with a RE on Aug 22 but they called to tell me he wont be coming to the clinic near where I live so I had to choose another doc. I have an appointment on the 27th.

Other than that a heavy season of work started today. I got an A in my summer class. I am now registered for my last class for my MBA starting this month.

Busy, Busy

Fortune

This is what L's fortune cookie said today:

"Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours"

Sad but true, my love. Very True. Hahahaha

New Cycle

I started my cycle on friday. Of course it was the day we were going out of town for a friends wedding, very bad timing. Oh well on to a new cycle. We are taking a break this cycle with a consult visit to my new RE at somepoint this month.

Although I am happy with the progress we have made with the metformin and clomid, it is very hard to face the failure of each cycle. Before when I wasnt ovulating there really was no hope so I wasnt as vulnerable every month. But these last couple of months I have been so excited, so hopeful, so sure it was going to work. This is why am I ready to move on to the RE. Hopefully this will solve a problem.

PS My new ticker is a sign of my current mood. Enough said!

Book Tour

Book: The Kid

Author: Dan Savage

I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter "Grieving Our Infertility" (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that "Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities." If you're part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow "failed" as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?

I do feel that I have "failed" as a woman. I am Hispanic which also plays an important role in my "failure". Nobody in my family has had problems conceiving, I have cousins who were p.g at 15. The typical stereotype is that Hispanics start having children their wedding night. Obviously I am not one of these people. As a child my image of adulthood did not include fertility treatments or struggles. My image was getting married and getting pre.gn.ant the day after that. So yes I feel like I have failed as a woman. I have failed myself, I have failed my husband, I have failed my family. Sometimes this failure weighs more heavily on me than other times.



How did you feel about a gay male explaining the emotions of infertility starting on p. 22? Were you offended or impressed? Do you think he got it right or was he far from the mark? Did you feel that he was correct when he said on p. 26, "I understood what they must have been going through"?

In some ways I think Dan was right in his statement but only talking on the point of view of his experience. I dont think he could really understand the pain of going through each cycle or the hope that is crushed. I dont think a person that hasnt experienced it can really understand the rollercoaster that is infertility and infertility treatments. I also think a g.ay man has more time to adjust to the fact that they will not have a biological child with their partner, while he.ter.o.se.xu.al couples do not get time to process this until they are hit with it in the face.


For a work of non-fiction, the theme of signs and coincidences plays such a large role in The Kid. On page 152, Dan writes about three twists of fate that bring Terry and he and Melissa together: "...the Seattle conception, the likelihood that Melissa spare changed us on Broadway, and the fact that the kid would be born at OHSU." Many other signs present themselves through the book such as the incident with Judy's fortune cookies, and my favorite, the fact that Dan and Terry had their first encounter in a bathroom and that they found themselves in a bathroom together at the moment their son was being born. What role do signs and coincidences play in your life in relation to your infertility and treatment? Do you find that you actively look for signs (good or bad), and how much do you take them to heart?

When we first started trying, every sign was a good sign but now I tend to look for signs that are negative. For example, L and I watch N.asc.ar and each have our favorite drivers, well my driver has been su.cki.ng all season long. I see that as a bad sign. It really has no rhyme or reason but thats it. I am also catholic and mexican which means my house is full of different saints, some turned backwards, some with coins, etc. So while I try to be oblivious to "signs" its in my nature to notice them. I do take signs to heart but I think it is a way to protect my heart from shattering.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Kid? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list in the post above . Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #6 (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Lastly, the fun part of the book tour is reading everyone else's response too and having them comment on your answers (I mean, without the comments and questions, it's sort of not a book club. It's just people talking to themselves about a book!). So please take a moment to comment on all the other blogs in the book tour.

Dear Husband,

I love you dearly I really do but please try to watch what comes out of your mouth before your say it. I know you dont realize what you say sometimes but sometimes not saying anything is better. Yes I did see the very young girl hanging out by our car at the grocery store. Yes I saw her smoking. I did not however see her pg. belly. Thanks for pointing it out though. For next time, please dont point out pregnant women to me. Yes I see them, I just choose to ignore them sometimes.

Love,
Your Wife

ovulated?

I went on monday for day 21 bloodwork and the results were 10.6. Not as good as last month. They said that it does indicate ovulation so that part is good. The bad part is that the level is very low so if I were to be pregnant I run the risk of losing it, so I started oral progesterone just to be on the safe side.

The nurse told me it would probably make me sleepy but I really didnt know that extend of it. She also told me to just stay on it until I get a period but everything I have read says that you have to get off of it before you can have a period. So I think I will take a pg test next wed/thur and get off it then. If anybody know for sure if you get your cycle while on prometrium please let me know.

Copying

I am copying Ann's post at The Unlucky 20 Percent because this is exactly how I feel and dont want to rewrite it. I am happy to see that I am not alone in this infertility rollercoaster.