Fortune

This is what L's fortune cookie said today:

"Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours"

Sad but true, my love. Very True. Hahahaha

New Cycle

I started my cycle on friday. Of course it was the day we were going out of town for a friends wedding, very bad timing. Oh well on to a new cycle. We are taking a break this cycle with a consult visit to my new RE at somepoint this month.

Although I am happy with the progress we have made with the metformin and clomid, it is very hard to face the failure of each cycle. Before when I wasnt ovulating there really was no hope so I wasnt as vulnerable every month. But these last couple of months I have been so excited, so hopeful, so sure it was going to work. This is why am I ready to move on to the RE. Hopefully this will solve a problem.

PS My new ticker is a sign of my current mood. Enough said!

Book Tour

Book: The Kid

Author: Dan Savage

I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter "Grieving Our Infertility" (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that "Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities." If you're part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow "failed" as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?

I do feel that I have "failed" as a woman. I am Hispanic which also plays an important role in my "failure". Nobody in my family has had problems conceiving, I have cousins who were p.g at 15. The typical stereotype is that Hispanics start having children their wedding night. Obviously I am not one of these people. As a child my image of adulthood did not include fertility treatments or struggles. My image was getting married and getting pre.gn.ant the day after that. So yes I feel like I have failed as a woman. I have failed myself, I have failed my husband, I have failed my family. Sometimes this failure weighs more heavily on me than other times.



How did you feel about a gay male explaining the emotions of infertility starting on p. 22? Were you offended or impressed? Do you think he got it right or was he far from the mark? Did you feel that he was correct when he said on p. 26, "I understood what they must have been going through"?

In some ways I think Dan was right in his statement but only talking on the point of view of his experience. I dont think he could really understand the pain of going through each cycle or the hope that is crushed. I dont think a person that hasnt experienced it can really understand the rollercoaster that is infertility and infertility treatments. I also think a g.ay man has more time to adjust to the fact that they will not have a biological child with their partner, while he.ter.o.se.xu.al couples do not get time to process this until they are hit with it in the face.


For a work of non-fiction, the theme of signs and coincidences plays such a large role in The Kid. On page 152, Dan writes about three twists of fate that bring Terry and he and Melissa together: "...the Seattle conception, the likelihood that Melissa spare changed us on Broadway, and the fact that the kid would be born at OHSU." Many other signs present themselves through the book such as the incident with Judy's fortune cookies, and my favorite, the fact that Dan and Terry had their first encounter in a bathroom and that they found themselves in a bathroom together at the moment their son was being born. What role do signs and coincidences play in your life in relation to your infertility and treatment? Do you find that you actively look for signs (good or bad), and how much do you take them to heart?

When we first started trying, every sign was a good sign but now I tend to look for signs that are negative. For example, L and I watch N.asc.ar and each have our favorite drivers, well my driver has been su.cki.ng all season long. I see that as a bad sign. It really has no rhyme or reason but thats it. I am also catholic and mexican which means my house is full of different saints, some turned backwards, some with coins, etc. So while I try to be oblivious to "signs" its in my nature to notice them. I do take signs to heart but I think it is a way to protect my heart from shattering.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Kid? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list in the post above . Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #6 (Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Lastly, the fun part of the book tour is reading everyone else's response too and having them comment on your answers (I mean, without the comments and questions, it's sort of not a book club. It's just people talking to themselves about a book!). So please take a moment to comment on all the other blogs in the book tour.

Dear Husband,

I love you dearly I really do but please try to watch what comes out of your mouth before your say it. I know you dont realize what you say sometimes but sometimes not saying anything is better. Yes I did see the very young girl hanging out by our car at the grocery store. Yes I saw her smoking. I did not however see her pg. belly. Thanks for pointing it out though. For next time, please dont point out pregnant women to me. Yes I see them, I just choose to ignore them sometimes.

Love,
Your Wife

ovulated?

I went on monday for day 21 bloodwork and the results were 10.6. Not as good as last month. They said that it does indicate ovulation so that part is good. The bad part is that the level is very low so if I were to be pregnant I run the risk of losing it, so I started oral progesterone just to be on the safe side.

The nurse told me it would probably make me sleepy but I really didnt know that extend of it. She also told me to just stay on it until I get a period but everything I have read says that you have to get off of it before you can have a period. So I think I will take a pg test next wed/thur and get off it then. If anybody know for sure if you get your cycle while on prometrium please let me know.

Copying

I am copying Ann's post at The Unlucky 20 Percent because this is exactly how I feel and dont want to rewrite it. I am happy to see that I am not alone in this infertility rollercoaster.

Another Year

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 26. Usually I love my birthday but this year I wish it wasnt happening. When we started trying for a baby I thought for sure I would be a mom by the time I reached 25.

Yes I am young and have time on my side but just because I am young doesnt mean that I am less infertile. We have been trying for 2 yrs 5 mos. Most people in this 20s dont take that long. So no I do not want to hear:

• "but you are sooo young"
• "just give it time"
• "just enjoy being young and free"
• "are you sure you want kids?"
• "enjoy being alone with your husband"
• or any other phrase similar to these

Being infertile at a young age is like a double slap in the face, I think. One blow for being infertile and another blow for watching everyone your age pop them out one after the other

Yes world even though I am young my heart aches just like any other

Harry

If you are a Harry Potter fan and are excited about the new movie turn away from the computer and turn on "Harry Potter: Behind the Scenes". Its on now on A&E.

Die Hard

We went to see "Live Free or Die Hard" yesterday. It was pretty good, one of the best movies this year. You gotta love the sarcastic @ss. that is Bru.ce Wi.lli.es. He plays his typical sarcastic, co.cky. role he plays in the other Die Hards. Go see it, its pretty funny.

Other than that we are watching all the Harry Potter movies in preparation for the new movie that comes out next week. Yes we are geeks. lol

Happy Independence Day!!!!

Righty Tighty

I went in for my follicle check today and there was one nice size on the right. So I got the hcg shot to hopefully release it. The nurses are nice and a little superstitious. Last month I had the follicle on the left and got the shot on the left hip and this time its on the right so they gave it to me on the right. I hope it works.

So my question is what is a nice size? I tried to google it but cant come up with a definite answer. The tech said they like to see anything over 2.0 cm (20mm) and mine was 2.9 cm (29mm). I am worried over the fact that it was so big on cd 13 and that it hadnt released on its own. I hope I release it otherwise I will have a nice big cyst to deal with.

Gotta go back next week for progestrone bloodwork.

ETA: I am concerned about the size of my follicles, and the timing of my HCG shot. How big should my lead follicle be before I take my HCG shot?
A lead follicle should be at least 16 mm on an hMG like Pergonal, it should be at least 18 mm on a recombinant FSH like Gonal-F, and should be about 22 mm on Clomid. Occasionally Gonal-F can produce mature eggs in smaller follicles, in which case other measurements such as E2 and progesterone should be used to indicate maturity. (The difference in ideal size is due to the difference in mechanisms by which the medications work. For example, the mechanism by which Clomid works often takes a bit longer because it is indirect. Therefore, the follicle has more time to grow before the egg is actually mature).

2nd Half

Its now the second half of the year 2007. The first half has not brought by much for me, I am hoping the second half brings good news to many of us.

I havent really posted much because I really dont have much to say. Right now I am just waiting. I pee on an opk every evening but they all look the same. Tomorrow I will call the doc to see about an ultrasound since they will be closed on wed and I dont want to wait until fri. This is one of the main reasons I am ready to move to the infertility clinic, they offer more monitoring.

Happy July!!! The best month of the year!!!!!

Prayers

Our thoughts and prayers are with this family during what must be a very difficult and painful time.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,286693,00.html

Our Journey

I thought I would put in writing our journey so far:

Our Problems: I have PCOS, annovulatory cycles (dont make/release egg), no egg=no baby; L has soldiers with weird heads that cant swim.

Our Timeline:
Mar 2004 - married the love of my life
Feb 2005 - chucked birth control pills
July 2005 - no period since going off bcp so off to obgyn
July 2005-Dec 2005 - tried clomid no monitoring no luck
Feb 2006 - visit with RE Dr. L, clomid, no response (didn't like Dr. L too much)
Mar 2006 - opportunity to adopt international presented went
with it full force
May 2006 - trip to Mexico to meet with adoption people
July 2006 - adoption not as easy as made to be, not much hope given
August 2006 - back to new obgyn
Dec 2006 - give up hope on adoption
Jan 2007 - obgyn, clomid, hcg, no response, add metformin
April 2007 - laprascopy
May/June 2007 - obgyn says 3 more clomid cycles
June 2007 - clomid 200 (cd4-8), dexamethrasone (sp?), metformin 1000, hcg, ovulate, BFN

now on another clomid, dexa, hcg, metformin cycle

I was telling L today that if we had probably stuck with Dr. L in 2006 we might have our baby by now. But I know that we werent emotionally ready for that step. I am hoping this cycle is the one but if it is not I am now ready to go back to Dr. L although I will be looking for another doctor in that clinic.

I spent way too much time on the internet surfing blogs and message boards and I kinda feel like an inferior (rookie) infertile since we havent really gone deep into treatments like others out there have. Still, I know my pain is not any less than that of others.

I dont really have much to say since not much is going on. I am on cd 5 and started the clomid yesterday. Other than that I just wait and wait and wait. I want to do more. I want to do more to get pg. I really want to move to the RE since I can get more aggressive treatment there. But I am afraid of what going there means. I am afraid of the treatments that I might need and I am afraid of the cost of these treatments. I am doubtfull that we will conceive without more help like IUI or something. L's soldiers have flat heads and drown because they cant swim.

We have now been trying for 2 years 4 months. Today the universe is highly unfair and everything su.cks. Blah!

Doing Nothing...

Its saturday, we dont have a thing to do so we are passing away the day just bumming at home. I was playing around the internet and have created M&M characters for L and I. hahaha

Again

Sorry You Are Not A Winner

Please Play Again

Peri0d started today full force. Nice little wake up and face the real world message. I have to call my doctor today and see what he wants me to do. So on we move to play this game again.

Negativo

I caved and took a test this morning. Why it even crossed my mind that I would get something different than what I usually get is beyond me. Of course it was negative. I am somewhere between 11 and 13 dpo. Now I just wait this thing out. Blah

Blogiversary

I cannot believe that its been a year since I started this blog. I originally started it looking for others that had adopted and looking for those that had adopted from Mexico. Well things are way different than I thought they would be. I thought that by now I would have a toddler running around. Now our energies are focused on getting pregnant.

I tried to not let that little ray of hope climb into my heart but I failed. I keep looking for signs of pregnancy. I talk myself out of it because I dont want to be sad if this cycle didnt work. I will still be sad if it doesnt but I wont be devastated because at least I ovulated. I keep wanting to take a test but I am not. I will test if I dont have a period by next wednesday. I will go for bloodwork if I dont start by next thursday. In the meantime all I can do is wait.

Wait and dream.

16.9

For the first time in two and a half years I have ovulated!!! They like to see a level above 15 on a medicated cycle and mine was 16.9. We are extremely happy that we are at least seeing some progress. We hope and pray that we caught this eggie but if we didnt, we will start again next month. I dont really know when I ovulated so I have to go for a blood test late next week if I havent started my period.

Just a sit back and wait deal now.