Prayers

Our thoughts and prayers are with this family during what must be a very difficult and painful time.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,286693,00.html

Our Journey

I thought I would put in writing our journey so far:

Our Problems: I have PCOS, annovulatory cycles (dont make/release egg), no egg=no baby; L has soldiers with weird heads that cant swim.

Our Timeline:
Mar 2004 - married the love of my life
Feb 2005 - chucked birth control pills
July 2005 - no period since going off bcp so off to obgyn
July 2005-Dec 2005 - tried clomid no monitoring no luck
Feb 2006 - visit with RE Dr. L, clomid, no response (didn't like Dr. L too much)
Mar 2006 - opportunity to adopt international presented went
with it full force
May 2006 - trip to Mexico to meet with adoption people
July 2006 - adoption not as easy as made to be, not much hope given
August 2006 - back to new obgyn
Dec 2006 - give up hope on adoption
Jan 2007 - obgyn, clomid, hcg, no response, add metformin
April 2007 - laprascopy
May/June 2007 - obgyn says 3 more clomid cycles
June 2007 - clomid 200 (cd4-8), dexamethrasone (sp?), metformin 1000, hcg, ovulate, BFN

now on another clomid, dexa, hcg, metformin cycle

I was telling L today that if we had probably stuck with Dr. L in 2006 we might have our baby by now. But I know that we werent emotionally ready for that step. I am hoping this cycle is the one but if it is not I am now ready to go back to Dr. L although I will be looking for another doctor in that clinic.

I spent way too much time on the internet surfing blogs and message boards and I kinda feel like an inferior (rookie) infertile since we havent really gone deep into treatments like others out there have. Still, I know my pain is not any less than that of others.

I dont really have much to say since not much is going on. I am on cd 5 and started the clomid yesterday. Other than that I just wait and wait and wait. I want to do more. I want to do more to get pg. I really want to move to the RE since I can get more aggressive treatment there. But I am afraid of what going there means. I am afraid of the treatments that I might need and I am afraid of the cost of these treatments. I am doubtfull that we will conceive without more help like IUI or something. L's soldiers have flat heads and drown because they cant swim.

We have now been trying for 2 years 4 months. Today the universe is highly unfair and everything su.cks. Blah!

Doing Nothing...

Its saturday, we dont have a thing to do so we are passing away the day just bumming at home. I was playing around the internet and have created M&M characters for L and I. hahaha

Again

Sorry You Are Not A Winner

Please Play Again

Peri0d started today full force. Nice little wake up and face the real world message. I have to call my doctor today and see what he wants me to do. So on we move to play this game again.

Negativo

I caved and took a test this morning. Why it even crossed my mind that I would get something different than what I usually get is beyond me. Of course it was negative. I am somewhere between 11 and 13 dpo. Now I just wait this thing out. Blah

Blogiversary

I cannot believe that its been a year since I started this blog. I originally started it looking for others that had adopted and looking for those that had adopted from Mexico. Well things are way different than I thought they would be. I thought that by now I would have a toddler running around. Now our energies are focused on getting pregnant.

I tried to not let that little ray of hope climb into my heart but I failed. I keep looking for signs of pregnancy. I talk myself out of it because I dont want to be sad if this cycle didnt work. I will still be sad if it doesnt but I wont be devastated because at least I ovulated. I keep wanting to take a test but I am not. I will test if I dont have a period by next wednesday. I will go for bloodwork if I dont start by next thursday. In the meantime all I can do is wait.

Wait and dream.

16.9

For the first time in two and a half years I have ovulated!!! They like to see a level above 15 on a medicated cycle and mine was 16.9. We are extremely happy that we are at least seeing some progress. We hope and pray that we caught this eggie but if we didnt, we will start again next month. I dont really know when I ovulated so I have to go for a blood test late next week if I havent started my period.

Just a sit back and wait deal now.

Blood Su.ckers

Ramblings:

Yup I had my blood su.cked today. I should have the results tomorrow but I have a super busy day at work and might not be able to call the doctor's office for them until wed. haha this is the perfect excuse for being in denial and putting off the could be bad news. I am still cramping alot and dont know what in the world is up with that. At first I thought it might be a cyst in my ovary but its not a sharp pain and its not in one particular place just all around. My whole pelvic area, front and back, is painful. The nagging hope that creeps itself into my heart and brain think that it might be a positive sign. Ahhh the agony of waiting.

L is out of town again this week so I have spend my time by actually doing homework. I got tuesdays assignment done but not thursday. My staff hates when L is out of town because I dont sleep well so I wake up early and I am at work early so I catch alot of people coming in late. And yes 7:05 is late when you are supposed to clock in at 7. And if you do happen to come in at 7:05 make sure that you at least leave at 3:05 lol. Yes I am anal about getting to work on time and staying at work your whole shift. Other than that I think I am a lenient boss and try to work with my staff as much as possible so everyone is happy. The worst part is discipline. I really dont like this part of my job but sometimes its necessary. I do love my job though.

Question: We have been in our new house for a while now and the room that will hopefully one day be the nursery is the only one not set up. In our old house we had the nursey set up because we thought we are adopting and wanted to be prepared. In this house everything is just sitting there in pieces and not organized. So my question is do I set up this room as the nursery now, leave it as is with the door closed until something happens, turn it into a guest room/work room? What do you think?

Enough of my ramblings for now. Adios

Faith

I have been wanting to write my post about faith for a while now. Part of me has put it off because I just dont know where I stand.

I am catholic. I was raised as a nonpracticing catholic though I did all the sacraments. I am also mexican. Catholisism is big in Mexico and so is superstition and lots, lots of saints. So I didnt grow up going to church but L did so when we started dating I figured it was something we should do together because I wanted our children to be raised going to church. I believe in God and I believe in the saints. The thing is that sometimes I get angry with God. I cannot understand the 'why is this happening to me?'. I still pray but sometimes only because I dont want to risk not to. Sort of like kids are unsure of doubting Santa because then they wont get presents. I dont know what to think. Sometimes I feel like my faith is slipping away.

Sometimes I think that God is punishing me for something that I did in the past. But part of me refuses to believe that the God I believe in will hand out this precious gifts to those who do not love or appreciate them.

I am lucky in the fact that my husband has faith. He is unmovable in his faith and sometimes has to carry the faith for both of us.

On another note, I am thinking about sponsoring a child through Children International. Has anyone worked with them before? Please tell me what you think. I emailed a couple of questions to them and I am awaiting the answers before I sign up.

Another note on Hope, tomorrow is my cd21 progestrone bloodwork to see if I ovulated. I am praying that I did. I have been having cramping and even though I try not to hope is creeping into my heart that many there is a baby growing in there. I keep squeezing my boobs to see if they are sore lol So far they arent but then again I have never in my life had sore boobs. lol

If you have made it this far thanks for reading. I know there are a couple people who, probably accidently, click on my blog so leave us a message.

75%

Thats my percent chance of ovulating this month, according to my doctor. I went in for my ultrasound today and it showed a 'nice' or 'decent' (depending on who you ask) size follicle on my left ovary. So I am happy that at least there is some progress. Last go round we didnt get 'nice' we got nothing. I also got the HSG shot and I am praying that it works. I go back for labwork next monday to check for ovulation.

Drop eggie drop!!! lol

A four letter word

Hope. Theres that little four letter word that can hurt so much. I know that if I dont show any progress with the clomid and metformin this cycle that I am going to be terribly disappointed. Much more than any other times. I try to talk myself out of this, but I cant. The funny thing is that I am not even thinking past just maturing some eggs and releasing them. This cycle will be successful if my eggs are bigger than 11mm or if my cd21 progestrone is over 0.8 because I have yet to get past these points.

I know I have talked about moving past the clomid which I truly want to do. It might take longer than planned though. I was originally thinking this would be our last clomid cycle but I found out that my work might be adding infertility coverage to our insurance so I am going to hold out until July/August before moving to the RE again.

Next up a five letter word, Faith....

What Not To Watch...

If you have had a hard time getting pregnant or are infertile, dont go see "Knocked Up". The movie itself was kinda funny but only if you are not the person in the audience that has been trying for over 2 yrs. I thought it would be a good movie to go see so we went yesterday. I probably shouldnt have even though it made me laugh it also made me sad and angry. Even though it made me sad I didnt let it ruin the rest of my day by being gloomy so for that I am proud of myself.


Edited to Add: I feel better knowing I am not the only one that tortures herself. Check out what At This Point... has to say about this movie.

I shouldnt have

So L came back from his trip yesterday and I went to pick him up at the airport. I had some time to kill so I stop at JoAnns Fabrics and looked around. When I left there I was still early so I stopped at another store, Babies R Us. I really shouldnt have. Its like going to a candy store when you cant eat sugar. When I go to this store I see everything I dont have yet I couldnt help it since I passed right by it. I ended up buying this monkey rattle for the munchkin. Another item to be added to the pile that might or might not one day be used by our baby.

Please stop by and send some encouragement and prayers to my friend at The Waiting Womb!!!

Craziness

Nothing but craziness over here. L is out of town on business which means sleepless nights for me. I dont know what happened to me. I used to live alone in college and after college. Now I guess I am so used to my husband that I cant sleep when he is not here.

Today something funny happened. My sister-in-law lives down the street so I went over there for dinner. I had some watermelon here so I invited her and my mother-in-law to take a walk back with me and eat some watermelon. So we come in and a wasp looking thing makes it in the house. I am TERRIFIED of bees, wasps, anybody from that family so we had to get it out or I wouldnt be able to sleep. The stupid thing made it to the upstairs window. I, of course, am hiding in the bathroom while they try to figure out how to get it out. Their idea was to throw bean bags at it lol. That didnt work. So can you see three women screaming and running after every bean bag lol. Finally we called her husband who came over and caught the horsefly. lol

Always a new adventure in this house.

Our Garden

L and I worked on out gardens last week. This is a day view:

and a night view:

Its kinda cool to sit out there and listen to the fountain. Very soothing.

Back again?

I'm back again, for how long I do not know. Today is cd 1 after a 60some day cycle. The last couple of weeks have been good and bad. My parents came down to visit and that was nice. Mother's Day happened and that wasnt so nice. I really didnt think I would take it so hard but I did. So that sunday and even that monday were hard. Harder than I expected them to be. Slowly I am getting back to a good place.

I want this cycle to be positive. Any kind of positive will be good. Even just forming some eggs with the clomid would be nice. Releasing such eggs would be nicer. Having a positive pg test would be the nicest.

I am think that this will be our last clomid cycle if none of the above positives happen. I have been hanging on to this treatment because its the cheapest but I think it might be time to move on.

I'm Back!!

I'm back. I have been away from my blog for various reasons. I have been sick, busy with work, busy with finals, and just dont have much to chat about.

On the sickness front, I have come down with bronchitis which just sucks. There are really no other words to descrie it. So 100 bucks later I had a doctors visit, steroid shot, breathing treatment, and 3 prescriptions. I think I am over the worst of it and just have to wait out the rest. (knock on wood)

Work has also been busy. I was on a business trip for a few days and then had to catch up. Work is work. 'nough said.

School is finishing up for the semester. As a matter of fact I should be working on my final projects as I type this. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

On the baby front, there really isnt much going on. I went for my follow-up after surgery appointment. All clear on that. My obgyn gave me the option of 3 more rounds of clomid or going to the fertility clinic. Since I have been on the metformin for 1.5 months now, we hope that the clomid might be more effective this time. If anyone has any experience or advice on this I would really appreciate it.

I will try to get some pics of my new house up soon.

Why?

Why? Why? Why? That what I asked myself, God, and the world today when I read this article. There are tons of women, me included, that would love to be pregnant and have a baby. Why is it that babies are handed out to people that dont want them? and when they are handed to those who dont want them why cant those people be kind enough, mature enough to hand that baby to someone who really does want it?

Blah!!!

The Aftermath...

I am now at home resting from a horrendous surgery experience. The surgery itself and most of the recovery actually went pretty well. I remember a floating feeling and then I woke up in recovery. While in recovery they told me I could leave as soon as I went to the potty. Well time passed and more time passed and I still couldnt go. They did an in and out cathether to get the urine out and suprisingly let me go home at aroun 6:00pm (my procedure was for noon). I was really suprised to be sent home because I had been told that if I didnt pee I would be admitted, but I guess the outpatient department was ready to go home and so they send me home. That was a mistake. I ended up back in the ER at about 8:00pm because I couldnt pee and was in the most excruciating pain I have ever been in my life. It sucked. I couldnt sit, I couldnt move...you get the picture. They put a cathether in and took out some blood from my bladder which freaked us out a bit. I finally ended up coming home with the cathether at around 11:00pm with instructions to call my doctor in the morning. This morning my doctor gave me instructions on how to take the cathether out (which was kinda interesting) and an appointment to see him. I got to the doctors office and I was either going to be able to pee or another cathether would go in. It was kinda funny because there were 2 nurses, L and my mom waiting outside the bathroom to see if I had peed. I managed a little stream which was progress and from then on all has been fine. I do feel like I did 1000 crunches and someone punched me in the stomach. I am on percoset for pain, an antibiodic, and a medicine to make my bladder spams.

Now to the good part. The good part is that the doctor said it all looked good. My tubes were open, my ovaries had some tiny cysts in them which is to be expected with PCOS, and I had a tiny bit of endometriosis that the doctor lasered off. The doctor was very optimistic about it and says that there is no reason we cant get pregnant once I start ovulating.

So for now I am bumming around the house just sleeping and playing on the net. L left for a business trip a little while ago but my mom came to stay with me for the week.

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week.