Moving on

L and I have an appt to talk to Dr S about our next step. We know we want to keep on with treatments but other than that I really dont know what I should be asking. So for those having to move on to IVF:

What questions should I be getting answers to?
Can you recommend any good books on IVF?

CD 1, now what?

As expected I am at full flow today. With that we come to the end of this road, this very bumpy road. There are other roads for us now and we just have to choose which one to take. Like with any journey, we are going to take the time to look at maps and plans to figure out which road is best for us. Although its human nature to look for the road less bumpy, we know that whichever road is picked the bumps will be there.

All that we can hope and pray for is that this next road leads us to our end goal.

Please go over and support Mel while she also deals with the end of a cycle.

Bad Equation?

Cramps + Spotting + -HPT = Another cycle down the drain?

I went ahead and peed on a stick this morning because I had started spotting yesterday. Obviously it was negative. I continue to spot but not enough to count it as AF. I stopped taking the prometrium today so I expect full AF soon.

So now we come to a fork in the road, we can go one way to do IVF or go another way to adopt. We are almost sure that at this point IVF is our choice but for now we are just sitting at the side of the road until we feel completely ready to go forward. Right now I just need to let go of this cycle and begin to move on.

We definitely need some time off to recharge and regroup.

Dear Cramps,

Please go away. I know that you dont necessarily mean to tell me that I am do not have a baby in here but I still dont like you. See I have never had a baby inside so the only cramps I have ever had are tied in with failed cycles. So the minute that you start creeping into me, the heart starts a negative downward spiral. The brain is really trying to tell the heart to stay positive but its not really working. I this point based on the pain you are causing I am almost sure that this cycle is yet again a bust. While this might not be true, I can not get these negative thoughts out of my head. So please please go away now. Thanks.

Sincerely,
The Uterus

CD 32; 9dpIUI #4

Not much going on over here, just trying to get through the next few days to find out the results of this cycle. The good news is that my insurance decided that they would cover some stuff that I had already paid for so the clinic owes me about $500 bucks. Lets see if I actually get the money back from them.

On the non-ttc, we finished our taxes and are actually getting money back!!! Woohoo!!! We have never gotten money back since we have been married so we are excited and were actually dancing around the living room. lol Of course we have already spend the money about 5 times in our heads lol

Quote

"Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strength. When you go through hardship and decide not to surrender, that is strength."

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Poor Pitiful Me

Welcome to my pity party! You are welcome to join at any time.

Heres why I am throwing this party. I supervise a staff of about 29, 28 women and 1 men. In the past 1.5 yrs that I have been in the position, there has been: 1 birth, 1 almost to be born, 1 three months along, and a just announced today. This is plus the countless pregnancies of the families that we serve. I had never been bothered with it as much as today. When the girl told me about it my response was "congratulations" and her response was "well I guess thats what I get and cant undo it". That response was like a knife in my heart. I would do anything to be in that position and can only hope that one day it will be my turn.

And if that wasnt enough today I also had to deal with this:
(her child running around the halls wildly)
co-worker: "Are you sure you want kids?"
me: outwardly - nod and tight lip smile; inside - "well now that you mention it, no I dont really. I just choose to put myself through the physical, social and financial hell of fertility treatments for the chance of conceiving. I dont know why really since I dont even like kids" Arghhhh

So you can choose to join this party. Open invitation and after the party is over we will all pull up our pants, lifts our chins and face the world.

CD 24; 1dpIUI #4

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act,

but also dream, not only plan, but also believe."

- Anatole France

Cool

I read this story this morning and thought it was kinda cool:

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23898180/?GT1=43001

I love this qoute:
“We’re here to extend the message that there is hope,” said Todd Tilton, who appeared with his sister on TODAY on Tuesday.



Welcome to all that have found me at my new address. I have moved blog addresses as much as I have moved home addresses. lol

IUI #4 - Check

We survived IUI #4 today. L's counts were good:

Total - 35 million

Motility - 88%

Grade - 3

Physically it went fine. Doc did not have much trouble inserting the cathether and it really only felt like a pinch. Right now I am feeling some pains and its probably some mild over stimulation. Emotionally, though, it was alot harder. I think knowing that this is our last chance before having to move to IVF kinda got to me. I'm afraid I wont know when to stop. To me fertility treatments are like sitting at a slot maching, the next pull is going to bring you the jackpot. The same with treatments, the next cycle is going to bring us the baby. So we are unable to stop pulling the lever.

As much as I pray that at the end of this cycle we get a positive, I also pray to have the courage and strength to accept whatever next step is planned for us.

Almost There

Today I had my u/s and bw appt today and all went well. I have 2 14 mm follies on the right. My doc wanted me to go in again on wed but I have to go on a business trip tues and wed so we are just going to pray they grow as needed ( 2mm a day) and trigger on wed for a friday IUI. Here is a picture I found on the web of a 17 mm follicle.

Loyalty

Todays PJC theme is patriotic or loyal. I chose this picture for two reasons 1)its 4th of July and we are wearing red, white, and blue and 2)because to me it defines loyalty. We are loyal to ourselves, our relationship, and each other. I know L 'has my back' whenever needed. Whatever the situation might be I can count on him being there.

I also wanted to post a picture of my family for this theme but didnt think they would want their picture on the internet :). I might not say it enough but I love you all and I know you are all there to lend a shoulder or an ear if needed.

The Jungle

A year ago L and I moved into our current home. We moved from a 3 bed/2 bath to a 4 bed/2.5 bath + above garage room. Silly us thought that we would need all this space for the babies we were sure were coming soon. So we took our room, made one the guest room, made one the soon to be nursery, and I took the other as "my" room. I love my room. This is a place for my stuff and my nick nacks. This is the sign that lets everyone know which one is mine (this same sign describes my state of mind lol):

On other news, today I went to my very first digital photography workshop. I got my spify camera about 1.5 yrs ago. I had many excuses to not really put much time into it. First it was I was just too busy with school and work and then I was too tired from dr appts and all that. But underneath it all was the fact that I bougth the camera to take pictures of my baby and in my mind ignoring the camera was a way to ignore the fact that I dont have a baby. Well I have finally taken a step to embracing my camera and therefore accepting the fact that I dont have a child, yet. I'm sure L will get tired of being my model at some point lol. I am glad I went and I am looking forward to taking more classes and really learning photography.

Too Slow

Todays appt was disappointing. The biggest folli is at 10 after almost 2 weeks of injections and my estrogen levels are at 145. I am to continue 1.5 vials and have another appt on monday. Honestly I am not feeling all that great about this cycle. I am supposed to go out of town on business on tues and wed which su.cks because if I still have to do shots I will have to do them around co-workers. I am also tired of shots. I guess I am just having an off day.

Youth

Following Mel's lead, I'm digging deep and going back 26andsome change years (30and some change for L) and posting baby pictures of us. Here is L:
L is a good looking guy and he was an adorable child. He has semi curly hair, which starts showing the longer his hair is so he had the most adorable curly hair. I so love this baby who turned out into a great guy!

And here is me:
I was so chunky I can barely open my eyes!

So here we are, not a care in the world.

Courage

Today's PJC is courageous (brave, gallant, dauntless). According to Webster, courage is defined as "mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty".

Being on the path of infertility is an act of courage. If you have ever played slots or gambled at the tables, you know what its like to put your money in jeopardy. So it takes a lot of bravery to put down thousands of dollars on a 20%-40% chance of winning. Beyond the shots, the appts, and the money one has to go through, our hearts are on the chopping block every single month. A tiny piece of my heart is sliced off with every negative test.

To me this picture is the image of courage:

Making the decision to step off this journey, either because you get pg or because you make a conscious effort to, also takes enormous amounts of courage. So my hat's off to all of us on this rough journey.

Baby?

See we all thought that I didnt have a baby but in all reality I do have one, he's about 30 yrs old and I adopted him about 4 yrs ago. Just Kidding! lol. L is sick with what we think is the flu. This is a picture of him on the couch:

Is it bad that for a tiny second one of my thoughts after he told me he wasnt feeling well is "da.mn, what is this going to do to his sperm". It was just for a second though then I concentrated on his health. L doesnt get sick often so when he starts feeling a little bit bad we bring out the meds and off to the doctor he goes. Hey baby, hope you feel better soon! Love you!

And to leave you with a laugh, here is this:

Glass half full?

Are you the type of person that see the glass half full? or half empty?

I try to make a point of seeing the glass half full but then come the days that all I see is the empty space. I am really worried about the timing of this cycle. I went for u/s and bw today and the biggest folli is an 8ish so I am now on 1.5 amps of menopur and go back on friday. I am scheduled to go out of town next tues and wed and all I can hope is that I get the IUI mon or thurs. I guess I can try to get out of my work trip but I already feel like I am not giving enough at my job recently with all these appts. I am trying not to worry too much about it as of now and will just wait for fri.

So what do you think: half full or half empty?

Earthy, Natural, Unsophisticated

Todays photo challenge was Earthy (Natural, Unsophisticated), so here is a picture of my feet last time we went to the beach.

And because I am a smart ass and its part of my personality, here are some unsophisticated funnies:
Tomorrow is my u/s and bw appointment. I really hope that there is some good progress because I am going to have some timing issues. I have to go out of town a week from tuesday for work so I really need to have the IUI on sat or before. Lets hope that all the timing works out.

Also a question for everyone: Where is the weirdest place (location) that you have given yourself your injections?

I try to always do it at home since I knows its clean and I feel comfortable here but on my trip last week my shot time was right before our flight and the time change but for inconvenient times. I ended up giving myself shots in the car (not while it was moving lol) and in a museum's bathroom. I just made sure to disinfect the area and not have the meds touch anything lol. Not the most convenient but I wanted to make sure my shots got done.

Home

We are back home tonight and loving it. There is nothing like coming home after a nice mini vacation. I really enjoyed out trip and now I am going to enjoy my spring break. Tonight I am cooking cupcakes for tomorrows Easter festivities and I also have to put L's basket together.

Although we dont have children yet we still like to take part in all these little "family" activities. We have birthday parties for each other and we get baskets from the Easter Bunny.

On the ttc front, I hope that when I go to u/s and bw on monday I have some nice sized follies because these ovaries are feeling pretty full and uncomfortable.

And now I leave you with one of my favorite pictures of this vacation: